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Season 3, Episode 5
29. 2% (3)u
Air date 6/26/14
Written by IONIXMUSIC
Directed by IONIXMUSIC
Episode guide
Previous
LEZ II: The Overbearing
Next
The Everyman
Red's mission is simple; get milk and go home. But can Red go 5 minutes without fucking something up?

Characters

  • Red
  • Blue
  • Pink
  • Storage Guards

Transcript

(Red is shopping at the grocery store.)

Red: Goddammit, why can't Blue get his own freakin' milk?!

(He walks over to the dairy section, and gets to the milk section.)

Red: Alright, so he said he wanted the...skim milk...no...the whole milk!

(Pink sees Red struggling, and storms over.)

Pink: Seriously, Red? He likes the 2% milk.

(She hands him the milk, and walks away.)

Red: What a bitch.

(He notices the expiration date.)

Red: Hmm, June 25. Wait a minute. Today is June 25! Goddammit, wrong milk!

(He throws the milk on the ground and it explodes into a milky mess. Red begins to crawl into the shelves of the freezers, and falls into the storage area.)

Red: Aw yeah! Now we're getting warmer!

(Red jumps around like a ninja, before actually getting to the milk.)

Red: Heh, oh yeah. The milk.

(Suddenly, a storage guard shows up.)

Storage Guard: Hey! What're you doin' here?!

Red: Yo man, chill. I'm just here to snag some milk.

Storage Guard: Get the hell outta my storage room!

(Red grabs a broom and dustpan.)

Red: Haha! Now you got trouble!

(He jumpkicks the guard, and smacks the guard in the face with the broom.)

Storage Guard: YOU PIECE OF SHIT! REENFORCEMENTS!

(Tons of guards pile into the storage room, and start tackling Red.)

Red: Augh!

Storage Guard: We got you now!

Red: No...You...

(He explodes out of the dogpile with his eye lasers.)

Red: DON'T!

(Red snags some milk out of the employee kitchen and hops back out.)

Storage Guard: Goddammit! Why did you guys let him get away?!

Storage Guard 2: Yo, fuck you! You had 'em in a headlock!

Storage Guard: Bitch, get over here!

(They start fighting, while Red is rushing home, with the cops on his tail. Blue is sitting down and watching TV until he hears the sirens.)

Blue: Ugh...I told Red NOT to steal the milk this time but no! He had to not listen to me for the umpteenth time...

(Suddenly, Red crashes through the door, milk in hand, with cop car wreckage behind him.)

Red: Hey Blue! I got the 2 percent!

Blue: ...Thanks. Why did you shoplift it?

Red: I forgot my wallet!

Blue: Again.

Red: Yep, again.

Blue: Did you check the expiration date?

Red: It said July 20.

(Blue looks at the carton.)

Blue: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! It says July 20, 2011!

(Red looks up in shock, as it cuts to Red shoplifting even more cartons.)

END.

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