|Season 2, Episode 12|
MMXIV: The Musical
Words are Forever
(A light snaps on revealing Derek sitting in a chair, with a book in hand.)
Derek: Oh, hello there. You should know my name by now. I regret to inform you that the fabric of space and time has been utterly wiped from the face of the universe. It wasn't your fault, it was mine. Here, let me explain.
(The scene fades to a view of the Milky Way Galaxy, then a caveman village.)
Derek: You see, back in the earliest moments of what you humans call life, I was a caveman. A neanderthal living among the rest of my mentally challenged brethren. Although, I wasn't...handicapped, if you want to put it bluntly. My mother always told me, "GOTHAK MLOOK TYR TYRU QUI QUI!", which was Caveman for "Always live on the bright side." I kept her advice dear to my heart. My dad on the other hand, was an old, but bright and thoughtful inventor. He was the one who invented the wheel! After he made such a revolutionary contribution to society, I decided to put my dad's work to good use. Using the wheel, and human energy, I managed to make a Caveman Conservation System. I was the first, and sadly only, person to use my revolutionary technology. I was the only one who cared.
(Cut to Caveman Derek, frozen in a block of ice, in another dimension.)
Derek: In that moment...I lay there. Not dead, but not exactly alive. Where was I? What did this to me? Why are my hands suddenly clean shaven? As I looked back on my science, I didn't just make a Conservation System. No no, I made a Human Life Preservation System. You would age, but at an incredibly slowed rate.
(A figure appears in the distance, far away from Derek.)
Derek: Because of my lacking intelligence, I wasn't able to figure out who broke me out of my ice capsule, until a terrible pain struck my head. It felt like 500 atomic bombs exploded simultaneously in a constant barrage of explosions and deadly destruction! Only I would know what an atomic bomb felt like back then. After the pain, my eyes lit up, and I exploded with energy more powerful than a split atom!
(Derek opens his eyes to realize the beauty around him...)
Derek: It was surprising to me...in this moment, I had created life. Not the life back in my home planet, but life in a dimension, previously unknown to the rest of the human race. I stepped on the fertile soil that I had created for my own self, and basked in the glory of my creation. I never knew my mind, so empty, could think of a greater outcome than this. Well, I thought that, until I met the woman of my dreams. Her hair, long. Her eyes, brown, Her legs, well toned!
(Cut back to Derek in the lit room.)
Derek: What, did you think I was going to mention her breasts? No, pervert.
Derek: They were pretty hot.
(Cut back to the story...)
Derek: The only woman I knew was my mother...so my standards of the perfect woman were...less than low. But after seeing this magnificent beauty standing before me...I couldn't help myself. I went straight in for the kiss. She was fully on board! Finally, a chance to know what relationships are like. We made a home out of the trees I had planted with my mind, and started a beautiful family. Of course there were no doctors around, so I had to remove the baby with only my bare hands. I had to cut the umbilical cord with a sharpish stick. Man, times were rough.
Derek: We were fortunate enough to have two babies, a smart and bright baby boy, and a delightful and beautiful baby girl. Of course we had to give them a name, so we named the boy Issac Dreminweiser, and the girl Christy Oboes Bi Dreminweiser. We were such a happy family. Until the day we started to realize...who's going to live on this planet? I tried to make people with my mind, but nothing worked. We decided that the only way to populate was to make our children have sex with each other, when they were 18, of course. We kept on making babies, and our children kept making babies until the day when the planet's population was...around 1,000 people. 500 boys, 500 girls. 2 sentient gods who will live forever, watching over this planet. We named this beautiful planet Earth.
(Back to Derek in the lit room.)
Derek: So there you have it. I am your God, and my wife, Suzan LeeBeel, is your Goddess. Issac and Oboes are related, so is everyone else on this planet. Today, my children are grown up, and chosen to be part in an amazing crime fighting league, which I am included in. Suzanleebeel, a descendant of my wife's side, has become friends with a young, peppy man known only as Blue.
Derek: I hope you've enjoyed what I have just told you about my magnificent past. And, sorry if the last episode was I little anticlimactic. That's just the way I run things.
(The light flashes a few times, then burns out, fading in to the Dick Sticks logo.)