|Back to the Past|
"I HAVEN'T SMOKED IN FIVE DAYS!"
|Written by||Alpha-Lonewolf and HungryGrox|
|Other episodes by the author|
After being frozen in a glacier for reasons unknown, Wolf and Grox set off to survive in a post-apocalyptic, wartorn future where the world has been destroyed by chemical, antimatter and nuclear warfare. The two go out on a adventure to find a time machine or whatever to get back home.
(A glacier is seen and cracks start appearing on the ice. Wolf breaks the ice and climbs up)
Wolf: Oh God! I'm alive!
(HungryGrox cracks the ice and starts breaking it)
Wolf: Hey Grox, you alive?
HungryGrox: (Sarcastically) No shit, what could've made you think that?
Wolf: What day is it?
HungryGrox: Does it look like I know?
Wolf: (Looks at watch) Watch is frozen...
HungryGrox: Same with my electronic calendar
Wolf: Well let's find the lodge
(Wolf tries to find his way back to the lodge while HungryGrox follows)
Wolf: Is it me or does this place look a little deserted and run down?
HungryGrox: (Looks around and sees dust everywhere and the sky looking really weird and speaking sarcastically) No, what could possibly have made you think that?
(Both go inside the lodge to see it's old and abandoned)
Wolf: What the fuck?
HungryGrox: (Looks around) What the hell is going on here?
Wolf: (Looks at an old paper) This paper says 2050!
HungryGrox: (Looks at the paper closely) This paper is old. Like, really old.
Wolf: We need to find someone.
HungryGrox: I'll just examine this paper for a while
Wolf: And I'll look for a vehicle (Looks at an old shack) Whoa shit
HungryGrox: (Walks up to Wolf) What?
(Wolf finds a really old snowmobile)
Wolf: It needs a little... a lot of work
HungryGrox: (Throws away paper) I got it Wolf!
HungryGrox: Looking at the paper closely and comparing it to texts written in 1000 BC, I have found out we are in the 60th century! Wait...
Wolf: WHAT!?! You mean everyone we know is gone!?
HungryGrox: Pretty much, yeah.
Wolf: (Drops against a wall) What the fuck!? There has to be someone, someone with a long life.
HungryGrox: Really? Someone with a long life?
Wolf: Think we can fix these snowmobiles?
HungryGrox: Well... (looks around) there is no fuel
Wolf: They look like they're solar powered
HungryGrox: (Looks up in the sky) Well, solar power is pretty much gone
Wolf: Can't you use your robot body to power them?
HungryGrox: My robot body is nuclear powered, and the radioactive compounds have decayed away. I can't waste that energy
HungryGrox: Maybe we can use those batteries (points at batteries behind Wolf)
Wolf: Can you tell if they have any juice in them?
HungryGrox: I think so...
(Hungrygrox picks up the batteries and pupils turn blue and then back to dark green)
HungryGrox: Yes there is some left in them
Wolf: And for how long will they work?
HungryGrox: Should be able to get back to civilization.
(Wolf places the batteries in)
Wolf: Here's hoping (turns on the snowmobile) YES!
HungryGrox: Wolf, I forgot to tell you it's a global ice age now. And we both will die of hypothermia in a couple of minutes. So we need to get going.
HungryGrox: Do you want to drive the snowmobile or should I do it?
Wolf: (Gets on the snowmobile) I'll drive I know my way around the wild
(HungryGrox also gets on the snowmobile)
HungryGrox: Alright let's go!
(Wolf begins driving off and hours pass)
Wolf: There should be a town around here from what I remember from the past
HungryGrox: (Shivers) How are you not freezing?
Wolf: I'm used to wilderness cold weather
(They find a nearly gone ruin of a town)
Wolf: It looks like a bomb dropped here
HungryGrox: Uh... (picks up radiation detector laying on the ground)
Wolf: Let me guess nuclear war and climate change
HungryGrox: No, there is no radiation and this does not look the impact of a "normal" bomb
Wolf: Well years may have covered it up
HungryGrox: That's not true, if years have covered it up there would be no ice age...
(Movement is seen in the ruins)
Wolf: What was that?
(HungryGrox pulls out SPAS-12 but realizes there is no ammo and Wolf pulls out knives)
Wolf: Anyone there?!
HungryGrox: What if they don't speak English?
Wolf: Well it would make them respond in some way
HungryGrox: Let me try, ¿Estás hablando en español? (Do you speak Spanish?) Parlez-vous français? (Do you speak French?) Alright, I can't think of another language to try.
Wolf: Let me try something (quickly pounces on the intruder and pulls them out)
Kid: No don't hurt me!
HungryGrox: Let him go, Wolf
(Wolf let's go of the kid)
Kid: What do you want?
Wolf: First of all, what happened around here?
(HungryGrox walks around the ruins and examines)
(HungryGrox comes back)
HungryGrox: What with what?
Wolf: What about now?
Kid: No more war now, everything is gone.
Wolf: And what are you doing out here, all alone?
Kid: Looking for food
HungryGrox: Are there more people?
Kid: Just my family, are you men eaters?
Wolf: Great, there are cannibals about
HungryGrox: How unexpected. We are not cannibals
Kid: Can I see your hands?
Wolf: To see if our hands shake
HungryGrox: Alright fine (shows and holds out hands)
Wolf: (Hold out hands still) See? Not a cannibal
Kid: My family is over here (leading the way)
(HungryGrox looks down and sees black and blue dust)
HungryGrox: Hey kid, do you know what this black and blue dust is?
Kid: My mom told me not to touch it
HungryGrox: So it's dangerous?
Wolf: Must be
(The three find the kid's family)
Father: Who are these men?!
HungryGrox: (Whispers to Wolf) Should we tell them our story?
Wolf: (Whispers back) No, I just want to find out what happened. Look we got some amnesia so what has happened during the past thousand years?
Father: Every nation turned on each other and started a war that ruined civilization
Mother: After the high bombs hit the weather began to change for each season and increase their effects
Wolf: So this is winter?
HungryGrox: The only bombs capable of doing that would be... antimatter bombs
Wolf: Well it was the rise of future tech back then
HungryGrox: (Looks around) There is like, nothing around here
Mother: That was the end of the tech age after the war. The bombs somehow also caused a super EMP that destroyed mostly every machine that lasted for a thousand years.
HungryGrox: So my headphones and me are the only tech things around here?
(The parents are surprised)
Father: how did you preserve that!?
Wolf: We found it deep underground.
HungryGrox: Yeah, we found it deep underground.
Mother: So then the stories are true of hidden tech
Wolf: Wait what?!
HungryGrox: So we have a chance of going back in time! I shouldn't have said that, right?
Wolf: He means we have a plan to undo the past if we can find a time machine.
HungryGrox: Yeah, that's what I meant
Father: Do you think there is a time machine hidden somewhere?
HungryGrox: There has to be
Wolf: But the question is where to look first
Kid: The Ghost Wastelands
Wolf: The what lands?
Hungrygrox: What is this "Ghost Wastelands"?
Mother: It is a wasteland infested with mutants and strange illusions
Wolf: Sounds like that Fallout 3 game
Father: The what?
HungryGrox: So where is this Ghost Wastelands?
Father: A five day walk west from here
HungryGrox: And that snowmobile has no more energy
Mother: There's a ash storm heading this way soon you can't leave today
Wolf: An ash storm? Great...
HungryGrox: Is that the black and blue ash? In that ash storm?
Mother: I think they call that ash "antimatter decay"
Wolf: Is it dangerous?
Father: It makes skin melt and boil. So yeah, it's dangerous.
Wolf: What about clothing? Will it melt that too or burn it?
Mother: It will turn clothes into dust
Wolf: Is there anything to block it off? Something it doesn't affect?
Father: Not as we know, we will just have to stay inside the basements of the ruins.
Wolf: Well I guess we're stuck here till the storm blows over
(HungryGrox picks up some dust and puts it in a plastic bag)
Wolf: Well it seems like it doesn't affect plastic
HungryGrox: I got an idea
Wolf: I hope you got a lot of plastic
HungryGrox: That's the problem
Wolf: Damn (Pulls out a molotov, it's empty but the glass remains) Awesome! (Scoops ash in the bottle) Ash grenades!
Father: Where did you get that glass from?
Wolf: A gift of mine
HungryGrox: (Whispers to Wolf) Can you pull out plastic?
Wolf: Uh... what's a weapon that's made out of plastic?
HungryGrox: Oh, you can only pull out weapons... what about toy guns?
Wolf: That's when I was a kid
Wolf: Ah! I know! (Pulls out airpump rifle) It can kill only at close range and made of plastic
HungryGrox: Cool, could you pull out 80 more?
Wolf: Okay (starts pulling out rifles)
Father: How is he doing that!?
HungryGrox: He has... um...
Wolf: It's another high tech item we found
(HungryGrox takes the rifles and crushes them)
Wolf: (Put's ash grenade in pocket) Ok (pulls out more) good, now I have a inventory of ash grenades
(HungryGrox lights the crushed rifles on fire and throws antimatter dust into the fire)
Mother: Who are you two?
HungryGrox: Wolf, we have to tell them
Wolf: Ugh fine you tell them
HungryGrox: Alright, we are, from a time long ago. From the digital age as some called it. We are from the year 2013. We apparently got into a avalanche and got frozen in time. And we woke up about an hour ago.
(Parents sit stunned)
HungryGrox: So... he (points at Wolf) has some powers and I am just a robot
Wolf: We're just two blasts from the past lost in time
Father: I believe you two have been sent here to stop this whole apocalypse
Wolf: Oh great a a deity fanatic
HungryGrox: We were not actually going to undo this war with the time machine. We were just going back to our time.
Mother: You must have come here with a purpose
Wolf: Look, all I want to do is go home and bone a fuck load of chicks and get drunk
HungryGrox: And eat some food that is not 50% antimatter
(Family looks discouraged)
Wolf: Fine look if I ever live that long I'll keep it in mind
Father: Thank you
Wolf: Ugh... don't get all sappy on me
HungryGrox: (Turns the crushed, burning rifles into plastic clothes) Alright, we are set (Puts on the plastic clothes) Let's go Wolf
(Wolf puts on plastic clothes and leaves outside. They both see an on coming ash storm colored blue)
Wolf: Wow, that's weird
HungryGrox: Well, we have five days left. And how long can you stay without food or water?
Wolf: We might have to resort to mutated creatures
HungryGrox: (Corrects Wolf) You might have to resort to mutated creatures. Robots do not need to eat...
Wolf: Oh yeah, BEAR GRYLLS!!!
HungryGrox: But my battery is running low
Wolf: Maybe we'll get lucky and find some raiders, they might have useful stuff to steal.
HungryGrox: I hope they have batteries...
Wolf: Maybe they will lead us to a stronghold that may have a generator
HungryGrox: That's like a 1% chance it will happen. But sure
Wolf: In fact why don't you have a mini generator inside you instead of green hippie device?
HungryGrox: I don't know how to make a mini generator
Wolf: Ugh impossible
(Later at night and Wolf sets up a fire)
Wolf: What kind of abominations do you think lurk in the dark?
HungryGrox: Maybe some sort of tentacle monste- wait. Antimatter doesn't mutate!
Wolf: Who knows they might have grown accustomed to eating thing that have bits of blue ash on it and mutated them to adapt
HungryGrox: I guess you're right... (sits down close to the fire)
Wolf: Do you think we'll have to take shifts?
(Then a mutated lion jump at them)
HungryGrox: WELL FUCK
Wolf: HOLY FUCK WHERE THE HELL ARE WE? (Throws a ash grenade at the lion)
(The lion gets set on fire and turn into dust)
Wolf: Why are there lions out here? Isn't this the U.S.?
HungryGrox: There is something called a zoo, they must have broken free or something
Wolf: I didn't think they would survive after whatever happened
HungryGrox: Well, antimatter seems to be really fucked up
Wolf: Hopefully that's a lone lion and not a pride
HungryGrox: I also hope so, now get some sleep. I'll stay up
Wolf: What are the shift hours you need to preserve your energy too
HungryGrox: I'll stay up for 4 hours, then I'll wake you up
Wolf: Sounds good
HungryGrox: Could I have ten of those ash grenades?
(Wolf hands over a bag full of ash grenades)
Wolf: Night (goes to sleep)
HungryGrox: (Pulls out unloaded desert eagle and fiddles around with it)
(Wolf hears a strange sound)
Wolf: You don't happen to have ear plugs?
HungryGrox: I guess you can take my headphones, you pretty much wont hear anything
Wolf: Won't that disable your legs?
HungryGrox: Oh wait, I forgot about that. Well I think I have some... wait a sec (Pulls out ear plugs) Alright I got some
(HungryGrox gives the ear plugs to Wolf)
Wolf: Night and don't let the abominated creature of darkness that will rip you to nuts and bolts bite (goes to sleep)
HungryGrox: Uh... goodnight...
(Next morning HungryGrox lays on the ground, out of power)
Wolf: (Wakes up) Oh great (tries to pick him up) looks like I'm gonna have to do the walking (Wolf begins to walk and carries Grox on his back) You're going to have to pay me back for this, I hope you can still hear me in that tin can head of yours, because I'm not gonna let you get away with this without compensation.
(Wolf walks on for a few hours until they hit the edge of the wilderness and face a barren wasteland of ash and rock)
Wolf: Talk about a dead zone (looks up) and not a break in the sky for miles, damn it. (Walks on for a while) You know it's not that bad, I can see what's coming at me for miles so no surprises will hap-
(Wolf almost falls in what appears to by a sink hole of blue ash and manages to catch the edge of the hole)
Wolf: Holy fuck nuggets!!
(Struggles to hold on the edge and on Grox at the same time)
Wolf: Fuck I need to work out more after we get back! (Starts to swing and uses the momentum to help throw grox over onto the surface and lifts out the hole next) I take it back about being no surprises. (Pulls out a Bo staff and uses it to look for holes) Talk about walking blind. (A few more hours of walking pass until Wolf reaches a hill) Great, another reaper...
(Wolf begins to climb up the hill with Grox on his back, just when Wolf is about to clear the top he hears voices and lays low taking Grox of his back)
Wolf: Wonder what this is (Peaks over to see people in light armor clothing like gangs) That must be raiders, what luck. You stay here and don't move a muscle emo bot.
(Wolf takes out a sack of ash grenades and a sling shot and then quickly shoots the unsuspected Raiders until one female raider is left)
Female Raider: You'll pay for that!
(She quickly tries to pull out a junky gun but Wolf takes out a police baton and throws it straight at the gun disarming her and tackling her down)
Female Raider: Get off me you little bitch!
Wolf: (Pulls a sharp wooden stake to her throat) Watch who your calling bitch you bitch!
Female Raider: (Scared) please don't kill me!
Wolf: Well I see you want to live. (Lifts her up) Lead me to your hide out and I'll see about letting you go!
Female Raider: Ok! Ok!
(Wolf picks HungryGrox back up and follows the raider)
Wolf: Don't think about running off, I have a load of blue ash grenades and I am an expert shot with a sling shot.
(The Raider leads Wolf and HungryGrox to the hide out)
Wolf: How many are in there?
Female Raider: (Panics) Twelve, only twelve!
Wolf: Good (shoves her down and places a stake in the ground and ties it to a ash grenade making a trip wire trap) If you move this grenade turns you to one with the ash, got it?!
(Raider nods as Wolf heads into the hide out and begins to take out each raider one by one until he reaches the leader)
Wolf: Tell me one thing before I decide. Do you have a generator in here?
Leader: Yes but you will not live long enou...
(Wolf quickly thrusts a stake through the side of the leaders temple)
Wolf: Yeah yeah try to stall long enough to set off a trap or reach for a gun, I've seen it all (brings in Grox and the Raider and ties her up while trying to hook up Grox to the generator and finally manages to plug Grox in and start charging him). (Speaking to the raider) So how long has it been since you've take a bath?
Female Raider: There is no water dumb ass!
Wolf: I beg to differ (pulls out ice sickles) wait for them to melt
Raider: How did you...?
Wolf: It's just my thing
(The raider cleans herself while Wolf checks on grox charging himself)
Wolf: Well while we're waiting, how about I pass judgement on you?
Raider: Wait! You said you'll let me go!
Wolf: No, I said I'll see about letting you go
Raider: Oh God I don't want to die!
Wolf: Not to worry, I think you'll enjoy this
(Wolf starts fucking the Raider while waiting for Grox to wake up)
HungryGrox: (Wakes up) Ugh... I feel like shit... (looks at Wolf and the raider) what... the... fuck?
Wolf: Oh hey, just passing the time 'til you got up
HungryGrox: Where the hell are we?!
Wolf: We're in a raider hideout... oh wait a minute!
(Wolf finishes off the raider unloading in her)
Raider: Oh my God I'm Pregnant!
Wolf: Ok are you full on energy yet Grox?
HungryGrox: In a few minutes I will have 10% charge, which will be enough for a month.
Wolf: That's enough, let's go
(HungryGrox unplugs himself and stands up)
Raider: Wait what about me?
Wolf: Don't worry you'll be fine here
HungryGrox: Wolf, you should get some food while you are here
Wolf: Good idea, (checks food supplies) Hmm mutated animals how expected... (fills up a sack with food) ok let's go
HungryGrox: (Looks at the raider) Should we leave her?
Wolf: It doesn't matter when we go back in time she probably won't exist
HungryGrox: I guess you're right
Wolf: That's why I'm not worried about impregnation her, besides I wanted to know what the feeling felt like
HungryGrox: Maybe it will be like the terminator or something, where your child goes back in time and is someone you know
Wolf: (Heads outside) Not if we change time, who knows this is probably a reason due to our absence, the world going to shit
HungryGrox: Right... (follows Wolf)
Wolf: Remember we are only here because we got caught in an avalanche
HungryGrox: Was that how we got here?
Wolf: Don't you remember? Stuck in ice? Waking up here?
HungryGrox: Uh... nope
Wolf: Oh yeah better watch your step there are ash sink holes everywhere (starts using Bo Staff to search for Sink holes)
HungryGrox: Uh... okay... (walks behind Wolf to avoid sink holes)
(They continue walking for three days)
Wolf: Hmm... I wonder if there are any settlements around here
HungryGrox: Would be good if there were any
Wolf: Just think of all the women I can get pregnant, well beside the old ones and kids
HungryGrox: Wolf, please don't waste time on that
Wolf: What, we aren't on a time clock
HungryGrox: I want to get back to the past pretty quickly
Wolf: Shit why are you in such a hurry, no hot women here to bone?
HungryGrox: Well... I really don't know. Oh, I remember, I HAVEN'T SMOKED IN FIVE DAYS!
Wolf: Hey, do you know if your tech vision sensors still works?
HungryGrox: Don't know, I can try
Wolf: Go for it!
HungryGrox: (Pupils turn purple) Alright it works
Wolf: Can you see any large mass of life grouped together?
HungryGrox: (Looks around) No... (Looks in the distance) I see some life 5 miles in the direction we were walking
Wolf: Let's go then! (Quickly walks while avoiding sink holes)
(Hours later they stand before a settlement shielded by a layer of rocks and dirt to keep out the ash)
Wolf: Wow, very resourceful
HungryGrox: Should we raid this settlement?
Wolf: After I have sex with every mid aged woman, let's just play it cool 'til then
HungryGrox: But having sex with everyone was my thing.
Wolf: (Knocks on the door) But you can't get them pregnant, it was a real pleasurable moment
HungryGrox: (Sighs) Alright go ahead...
(Door opens with men with spears)
Wolf: Wow these guys really went back
Head Guard: What is your business here?
HungryGrox: We are just two people traveling around
Wolf: And we wish to enjoy ourselves here
Head Guard: Why should we let you in?
HungryGrox: Why should you not?
Wolf: (Pulls out ash grenades) I'll give you guys blue ash grenades for protection
Head Guard: Where did you get those?!
HungryGrox: It's a thing he can do
Wolf: Now, are you gonna ask the stupid questions or take the offer???
(Guard takes the grenades)
Head Guard: You may come in
Wolf: Thank you Cro-Magnon
(Wolf and HungryGrox enter inside seeing small huts and settlers walking about)
HungryGrox: I am gonna stock up on some supplies while we are here
Wolf: I'm gonna browse the stock of sweet pussy here
HungryGrox: Right... (walks off)
Wolf: (Looks around at the women) sheesh all dirty I think I can fix that too (pulls out ice sickles five at a time) man I'm glad I started using ice sickles as weapons. (Pulls out enough to make enough water to give everyone a wash) People I give you the bath!!
(People begin to line up with buckets and wash themselves clean)
Wolf: Worked like a charm (spends time observing the women and then looks for Grox)
(HungryGrox sits on street and drinks beer)
Wolf: Where did you get that?
HungryGrox: Not telling you
Wolf: What you pissed it out? Ha!
HungryGrox: No, of course not
Wolf: I'm joking, calm down
HungryGrox: I know that...
Wolf: So found what you need?
HungryGrox: (Shows backpack to Wolf) Got plenty of alcoholic beverages in here
Wolf: Awesome and I got a good look at the selection of hot chicks to fuck
HungryGrox: Cool, but I am not really gonna fuck any future chicks
Wolf: Good, because I am
HungryGrox: You said that because you know I can get laid with pretty much anyone
Wolf: No, I said that cuz I know you can't cum in them and that means more fun for me as I just gave these people a wash meaning the hot bitches
HungryGrox: Hey that's not true. It's just that there... nevermind
(Wolf waits till night and to sneak in and nerve pinch every woman he has sex with by the time morning comes)
Wolf: (Pulls up pants after coming out the last hut) Whew what a night. Never knew I could cum in so many bitches in one night
HungryGrox: Whatever, let's just get going (throws bottle of beer on the ground)
(The both come out of the settlement and later on arrives at the Ghost Wasteland)
Wolf: Will you look at that
(The wasteland is completely flat and barren and far in the distance is a mound)
HungryGrox: (Pulls out wine bottle from backpack) Well, what are we waiting for?
Wolf: Wait don't you watch movies? Something always lies in wait in a place like this
HungryGrox: No, I don't watch movies
Wolf: Well you should, watch (throws a rock in the wasteland and nothing happens) well sometimes it happens
HungryGrox: (Walks into the wasteland) I want to get back to our time
Wolf: What's the first thing you're going to do?
HungryGrox: I... I don't know. Possibly going to smoke some crack. And you?
Wolf: I'm gonna kiss Fox just to mess with her, kick Lad in his big fat scottish ass, throw Foully in a bucket of soap, and then Slap Fifi's ass and make her cry
HungryGrox: Sounds cool...
Wolf: Yeah, I'm twisted when I'm deprived
(Suddenly a tyrannosaurus pops out of nowhere)
Wolf: OH HOLY FUCKING DINO BALLS!!!
HungryGrox: HOLY SHIT
(wolf tries to throw an ash grenade at the T-rex, but it only goes through it)
Wolf: What is this, a ghost?!
HungryGrox: NO WONDER THIS IS CALLED GHOST WASTELANDS! Wait, it's just a ghost
Wolf: Yeah ghosts don't affect robots, BUT THEY AFFECT ME!!!
HungryGrox: It's just a illusion created by our minds (walks right through the t-rex)
Wolf: You mean a hologram?
HungryGrox: Pretty much, yeah.
(Wolf follows HungryGrox)
Wolf: Don't I feel stupid now
HungryGrox: (Drinks the wine) Alright we should be getting close, only two days more walk...
Wolf: Hey, how many beers do you have?
(HungryGrox stops and pulls out bottle of beer and gives to Wolf)
Wolf: Give me, say seven
HungryGrox: I have like 9 left, but ok (gives Wolf 7 more beers)
Wolf: (Wolf drinks them all down and tosses Grox a chain) Hold on
HungryGrox: What's this chain for?
Wolf: Just hold on tight
(Wolf faces away from the distant mound and crouches before lighting a match and burping out a jet of beer breath and ignites it into a jet and they both go speeding towards the Mound)
HungryGrox: WHAT THE HELL?!
(After five minutes the jet went out and Wolf and Grox where half a day close)
Wolf: Whoo! I wonder what would have happened if I had one more drink?
HungryGrox: Your stomach would melt and your heart would explode, that's what would have happened
Wolf: May be right (suddenly feels weak) Oh I don't feel so good (burps out one last flame and collapses)
HungryGrox: Damn... (picks Wolf up and begins walking)
(HungryGrox walks for 8 hours until night comes, puts down Wolf, throws some sticks in a pile and ignites them)
HungryGrox: (Six hours pass and HungryGrox has been poking Wolf with a stick for that time) Well this is boring...
Wolf: (Suddenly wakes up) CRAP CAKES FOR BREAKFAST!!!
HungryGrox: (Stops poking Wolf with the stick) Oh, you're awake
Wolf: What happened?
HungryGrox: Nothing really, only 14 hours have passed and it's like 2AM or something
Wolf: You can tell?
HungryGrox: I just count every second of my life.
Wolf: Robots... so how far are we from that mound
HungryGrox: We are just a few hours from reaching it. Should we start walking so we can reach it by sunrise?
Wolf: The sooner the better
HungryGrox: How long has it been since you've eaten something?
Wolf: You're right (pulls out sack of meat)
HungryGrox: Just tell me when you want to go (starts smoking)
Wolf: (Swallows down meat) If there are any side effects I'll deal with them later
HungryGrox: Right... (begins walking)
(Both reach the small mound with a small hole in it)
Wolf: Doesn't it feel like we have to fight a boss battle here?
HungryGrox: This is the future, there are no bosses
(A giant mutated snake attacks)
HungryGrox: I was wrong
(Wolf tries to throw ash grenades but doesn't work)
HungryGrox: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SNAKE?!
Wolf: It slithered on the ground so much it must have built an immunity
HungryGrox: Can't we just kill it with knives?
Wolf: Hopefully it's scales aren't like titanium, hmm maybe this will help (runs towards the end of the tail) try to get me ass shit!
(The snake whips Wolf in the head which begins to raise his adrenaline and anger)
HungryGrox: Yeah, kill it Wolf
Wolf: (Angry) One more time (rushes at the tail again and punches it hard. The snake retaliates by smacking Wolf again, then Wolf goes into Primal Rage Mode)
HungryGrox: (Begins walking off to avoid being seen by Wolf) I am just gonna wait over here...
(Wolf roars out as he jumps on the snake and slams it down shaking the ground and making a crater in the ground. Wolf sinks his hands through the snakes skin to jump and dive bomb the snakes head into the ground and then rips off a large strip of the skin and grabs onto the spine while engulfing himself in flames to pull the spine out completely)
HungryGrox: (Walks up to Wolf) What... the... fuck?
Wolf: (A bit dazed) Ugh did I win?
HungryGrox: Ugh... (looks around) yeah sure
Wolf: Where's the snake?
HungryGrox: You killed it, I think. You were in that primal rage thing or whatever
Wolf: Cool, so that hole in the mound is safe to enter?
HungryGrox: I suppose so, but you gotta teach me how to do that
Wolf: Do what?
HungryGrox: You know, that primal rage mode or whatever it's called
Wolf: Do you have anger issues and a raging spirit?
HungryGrox: Just anger issues
Wolf: Well you need to be an angry person who enjoys killing as much as a sex predator enjoys sex with a perfectly sexy hot woman.
HungryGrox: I don't really enjoy killing anymore because I am not a sadistic pile of shit like you
Wolf: Now lets go find a time machine.
HungryGrox: Let's hope we find one...
(Both go inside to look for a time machine)
Wolf: You'd think that this place would have more than just monster illusions and giant mutated snakes.
HungryGrox: If anything like that comes, I really will not give a shit
Mysterious voice: Ho ho ho!
Wolf: Santa Clause?
HungryGrox: Whatever the voice is I am just going to ignore it
Very Old Raccoon: It has been a rong time my friends
Wolf: What the?
HungryGrox: So you were right about someone with a really long life
Very Old Raccoon: And what brings you to here so far from home and so young?
Wolf: Long story
HungryGrox: No, I'll ask you, how did you live this long?
Raccoon: Some have gained mutations from the nukes. mine was rong rife.
HungryGrox: But they were not nukes, it's called Antimatter bomb
Raccoon: And who was the one who rived though the war?
Wolf: He's got a point
HungryGrox: Yeah whatever, fuck you (looks around)
Wolf: Look we need to find a time machine
Raccoon: Reary? How convenient.
HungryGrox: Do you know where it is?
Raccoon: So you wish to traver back to save this future?
Wolf: That's half right
HungryGrox: Actually, just save ourselves
Raccoon: You know you can save many rives and become great heroes
Wolf: Other than the lives I've taken?
HungryGrox: We are not doing that
Raccoon: You wir become regends for everyone to know...
HungryGrox: Ever heard of a "paradox"?
Wolf: Who the fuck cares! Look we'll give you some ash grenades just show us the time machine!
Raccoon: It's in the other room.
(They both walk into another room and they see the same time machine Red and Blue used)
HungryGrox: What are we waiting for?
Wolf: Are you sure Chinese items can last for this long?
HungryGrox: Nope (gets in the time machine)
Wolf: Hopefully it doesn't fuck up and randomly send us through different times
HungryGrox: You just had to say that, right?
Wolf: Yep, just think of it as a real fun time to really fuck up time.
HungryGrox: Just get in...
Wolf: (Gets in) Ok here's hoping
(Wolf turns the switch and they both appear during the bomb drops)
Wolf: HOLY SHIT!!!
HungryGrox: TURN IT AGAIN!
(Wolf turns the switch again and they appear in a brothel)
Wolf: Oh fucking sexy asses (stares at half naked women)
HungryGrox: Control yourself (turns the switch)
Wolf: Such a party foul
(They appear in 1942 Germany)
Wolf: Whoa too far back
HungryGrox: You don't say? (Gets shot in the arm) Ouch
Wolf: Can we stay for a little bit?
Wolf: (Pulls out 1940's weapons) Awesome!
HungryGrox: No, we will fuck up the future (turns the switch again)
Wolf: (Weapons disappear) Ah shit
(They appear in Star Wars)
Wolf: How the fuck?! I thought this was a movie!
HungryGrox: I think we came into a galaxy far away, a time long ago
(Storm troopers raise their weapons)
Storm trooper: You halt!
(HungryGrox slowly moves his hand towards the switch)
Wolf: (Points behind the storm troopers) Look it Darth Vader! (stormtrooper look) Now!
(HungryGrox fastly turns the switch)
Wolf: What's next, Star Trek? Hope it's not Elmo's World next (shudders)
(They appear back in the mound)
HungryGrox: (Sarcastically) Well this worked...
Wolf: You just can't trust Chinese merchandise.
HungryGrox: (Looks below switch) Wolf, we did it wrong. You can write the year here
Wolf: Hmm does it have to be specific?
HungryGrox: I think... (puts in 2013) could you define specific?
Wolf: Year, month, day and time
HungryGrox: Oh (looks closer) yes. Wait, when did we freeze in that avalanche?
Wolf: Um I don't know, friday?
HungryGrox: Could you remember the date?
Wolf: I think it was January 16th at 5pm
HungryGrox: Really? Well let's go with that (puts in 2013-01-16-17:00 in the time machine)
(Wolf turns the switch once more)
Wolf: Oh yeah that's where we were but how did... (sees dead ninjas)
Wolf: Oh we had a high price on our heads for some reason that I forgot about.
HungryGrox: Well let's just head home I want to drink something
(Red and Blue appear in a time machine that smashes a ninja sneaking up on Grox and Wolf)
Red: Are we there yet?
Blue: Oh Wolf, Grox. are we in 2010?
Wolf: Ugh... no 2013
Blue: Damn it!
Red: I want to go home and shit on my bed!
Red: Doesn't everybody?
HungryGrox: (Stares at Red) I think you're the only one...
(Everyone is silent for a while)
Red: Oh so that's why our beds smell like shit.
Blue: YOU SHIT IN MY BED TOO!?!?!
Red: Gotta go!
(Red and Blue disappear)