I love having a birthday.
|Set in||Night Time|
|Location||Ball Busters & Blue and Pink's House|
|Other episodes by the author|
Autotune and The Alcohol
Another Day, Another Flame War
Simon lies about his birthday in order to get a chance to hook up with Red's girlfriend Stacy. Alice helps a stalker get her man.
- Mild Violence
- Strong Sexual Content
- Adult Content
- Adult Language
On A Saturday
(Opens with Simon sipping a beer in his office, while the opening to Saturday Night is being played in the background)
Simon: Ahhh! Tonight is gonna be my bitch.
(Simon walks downstairs and approaches Thomas, Molly, Alice, Michael, and Emma)
Simon: I wanna have sex.
Thomas: (Disinterested Expression) Well, I'm sure none of us wanna have sex with you.
Simon: (Approaches Thomas) You know for a college student, I thought you'd be smarter.
Thomas: Really, didn't you get kicked of college?
(Simon and Thomas stare at each other for a few more seconds)
Molly: (Awkwardly) So, what's the schedule tonight?
Emma: I invited Red and Stacy over for some drinks, hopefully everyone will be fin...
(Red and Stacy just barge into the club)
Red: What's up bitches!
(Simon suddenly stares at Stacy and gazes at her looks)
Stacy: Sup Boys and Girls.
Emma: Hey bitch, I heard you were fired at work, wait, what job did you have again?
Stacy:It was some shitty job at Maulmart, I was filling in for my ex-boyfriend Blue.
Red: That was until I came crashing in with a tank and was about to fire at this bitch who came out to the store with this sword, so I fired at her many times, but she got away, Stacy took the blame and was fired.
Stacy: Did it for my babe here, and hopefully tonight I can repay the favor, if you know what I mean.
(Alice tries not to laugh but giggles, then everyone stares at Alice at the bar)
Alice: Oh, I'm sorry, it's just unrealistic to see how you two manage to keep a steady relationship.
(Stacy and Red both have a confused look on they're faces)
Stacy: Who the fuck is this bitch?
Alice: Whatever. (Alice walks out of the club through the rear door)
(Simon suddenly snaps out of his trance)
Simon: Hey, you guys we're gonna celebrate tonight.
Molly: What are we celebrating?
Simon: It's my birthday!
(Thomas and Molly look confused, while Michael decides to just go with it, and Red and Stacy look surprised)
Red: Dude, you never told me it was your birthday.
Simon: Well, it always happens at this time of the year.
Thomas: But you're birthday is… (Gets his mouth muffled by Michael)
Michael: (Whispers) Thomas, you don't wanna interrupt Simon when he's trying to score.
Thomas: (Whispers) This is wrong, why would he lie just to have sex with Stacy.
Michael: (Whispers) I've known Simon for a long time, and I know that when he thinks about something, he'll do everything to fulfill his every desire towards it, and that includes sexually.
Thomas: (Whispers) That's disgusting.
Red: Alright, so how old are you turning?
Simon: Does it matter, I'm still young enough to have seven inches, if you know what I mean? (Nudges at Stacy)
(Stacy laughs, and Molly goes to the bar where Thomas and Michael are)
Molly: What kind of crap is Simon pulling off?
Michael: Simon wants to bang Stacy, but since she's with Red, he'll pretend it's his birthday, get the two drunk, and then hopefully find a way to get Red out of the picture, unless he's got an even more twisted plan.
Thomas: And I'm guessing you'll know what will happen next.
Molly: This is wrong, we should stop this.
Michael: No way, he's the boss, plus whenever Simon is sad, he takes it out with anger on the rest of us.
(Flashbacks to Simon throwing Thomas's sandwich on the floor and crushing it, then Simon throwing beer on Alice's face, and finally Simon kicking Michael in the crotch)
Michael: The last time that happened I had to get my balls surgically fixed, he can get that angry.
Molly: Fine, but I don't feel comfortable with this, but as long as Monday morning doesn't turn into an apocalypse.
(Alice is shown sitting on a bench waiting for the bus, when Charlotte pops up and is sniffing the side of the bench)
Alice: Charlotte, I known you love anything that starts with a B, but this is too far.
Charlotte: No, I last saw Blue sitting here this afternoon.
Alice: Still, you can't be serious.
Charlotte: (Suddenly grabs Alice) Listen, I know his friend Red just walked in your club, and he was gonna kill me earlier with a tank. So in some way you owe me.
Alice: That doesn't make any sense.
Charlotte: (Choking Alice) Help me!!!
(Then Charlotte let's go of Alice)
Alice: Alright, I've got nothing else to do. So I'm sure I can help you in you're crazy obsession with Blue.<
Charlotte: Great, then maybe in the future we'll be sisters.
Alice: Excuse me?
Charlotte: Cause aren't you and Blue brother and sister?
Alice: No, why does everyone think that?
(Cuts to Red and Stacy in a booth drunk, while Simon is at the bar with Thomas and Molly)
Simon: This is perfect, now I can get birthday sex, and it's not even my birthday.
Molly: What about Red?
Thomas: Wait, where's Michael?
(Cuts to Michael calling Red outside the club, back inside Red's phone rings)
Red: (On the Phone) This is Red, who's calling?
Michael: (On the Phone) Red, you won't believe it, the sex shop right down the block is giving away free copies of "Bonerman and Wonderwhore" and it includes all three sequels. Hello?
(Red rushes out of the booth and into the men's bathroom, and changes into Batman within a second.
Red/Batman: (In Deep voice) I'm Batman.
Stacy: Red, I mean Batman, where are you going?
Red/Batman: Babe, duties call, and by duties, I mean the boner, the whore, and my dick, later.
(Red/Batman runs out of the club and Stacy resumes drinking a bottle of Vodka)
Stacy: This bottle is my boyfriend, it's just full of drunken power.
(Cuts to Alice and Charlotte hiding in a bush outside of Blue and Pink's house)
Charlotte: So what's your plan, Blueberry?
Alice: Blue always enjoys staying indoors right, well with Red out on the town, he probably has time to do some personal things.
Charlotte: What about his wife Pink and his son Blink?
Alice: On his Facester page, Pink reminded him that she and Blink were leaving for a trip to see her parents for the weekend, so they're gone for right now.
(Charlotte climbs up a pole to Blue and Pink's bedroom)
Alice: What do you see?
(Charlotte gets a peek of Blue's window)
Charlotte: I see, oh my!
(Blue is shown masturbating at his desk to pictures of Zelda from the game series)
Blue: Oh yeah, now I'm hard.
Alice: What is it?
(Charlotte suddenly falls to the ground dead)
Alice: Really, that shocking?
(Alice leaves in a state of shock, cuts back to Ball Busters where a drunken Stacy is shown making out with Simon)
Stacy: Wanna unravel you're big birthday present?
Simon: Oh wow, so this was really just the Birthday cake?
(Cuts to Thomas, Molly, and Michael at the bar and Emma approaches them)
Emma: What did I miss?
Molly: Your brother is being, the pig he is, a selfish stud.
Thomas: (To Michael) I can't believe you don't think this is wrong.
Michael: I've known Michael for years, and I know he'll find a way out of this.
Emma: (To Michael) Hey, remember when he was in a threesome, with a superhuman in a backwards cap and some dumb bimbo with a bottle of Vodka, behind the bleachers.
Michael: Oh yeah.
(Thomas and Molly look shocked)
Michael: Oh wait, now I see the clear picture.
Thomas & Molly: You think!
Molly: That is so disgusting, I can't believe Simon was part of a threesome with both Stacy and Red, what else was he a part of, a redneck orgy?
Molly: (Looking disgusted) Ugh!
Thomas: That explains why Simon wanted to have sex with Stacy, he wanted to go for Round 2 without the extra man.
Emma: Which is Red.
Michael: Well, now it doesn't matter because they already reached the bathroom.
(Simon and Stacy have disappeared into the men's bathroom, and it cuts to Simon's face in a stall with Stacy giving him oral sex)
Simon: Oh yeah, those were the days, this time without Red.
Stacy: I know, I want this to be a regular thing.
Simon: So why don't you DUMP!! The dick.
Stacy: Because he's basically a superhero, and you know what they say about superheroes?
Simon: They have a super dick?
Stacy: No, they're super smooth and sexy in the bedroom.
Simon: Wow. You certainly have STANDARDS!!! in the bedroom.
Stacy: I have limits, even if it isn't all the time.
Simon: WHOA!! You know what? Let's just finish up and I'll let you get back to you're man of steel.
Stacy: (Looking confused) Alright.
(Stacy continues to give Simon oral sex, and then a few seconds later, cuts to Simon and Stacy leaving the bathroom)
Simon: By the way, it wasn't my birthday.
(Stacy slaps Simon in the face, then kisses him a few seconds later)
Stacy: Call me whenever you wanna have another fake birthday.
Simon: Also, Red probably won't be coming out of his room for the next couple of days thanks to all the free porn Michael gave him.
(Alice overhears the conversation, and looks disgusted as she walks over to the bar)
Alice: (To both Simon and Stacy) No more talking about jerking off, please.
(Stacy leaves and Simon goes upstairs)
Molly: Where have you been?
Alice: Let's just say, I may be feeling a little blue, for a while. (Shakes in fear after saying the word blue)
(Thomas, Molly, Michael, and Emma stare at Alice for a few seconds)
Michael: What happened? Is that weirdo Blue into something disgusting.
Emma: Oh, this sounds juicy.
Molly: Whatever it is, I warned you what would happen if you ever date him.
Thomas: He likes to jerk off to Zelda, right?
(Molly, Alice, Michael, and Emma stare at Thomas unexpectedly for a few seconds)
Thomas: (Laughs awkwardly) What, I didn't say anythi...
Alice: Ugh, Now I can't even stand the sight of Thomas.
Emma: What is wrong with you?
Michael: Man, this is a strange night.
Thomas: Well, wait where's Molly?
(Cuts to Molly back at her apartment dressing up as Zelda, laying in her bed, and it suggests that Molly is gonna masturbate to Zelda)
Molly: God, I hate that I love this.
Created By: AndrewBrauer
Written By: AndrewBrauer
-Lightshow Episode 2-
- We learn that Simon had a threesome with Red and Stacy back in High School.
- Even though Simon had a threesome in High School, how he lost his virginity is still unknown.