Date Night
Date Night
Why does it matter?
Air date 2-2-14
Written by AndrewBrauer
Directed by AndrewBrauer
Set in Nighttime
Location Italian Restaurant
Other episodes by the author


Kitty Room

 Alice decides to go out with Simon, but the night is soon ruined when they both learn more than they should about each other.

Rating: TV-MA

  • Adult Content
  • Adult Language


  • Simon (Semi-Antagonist until the end)
  • Alice (Semi-Antagonist until the end)
  • Michael (Mentioned)
  • Emma (Mentioned)
  • Blue (Mentioned)
  • Ruby (Cameo)

This episode is very dramatic and sad, don't read on expecting laughs, if you did read YoshiRocker13's Blink of an Eye then this should be even sadder.


7:45 PM

On a Tuesday

(Opens with Alice sitting at a table outside at an italian restaurant, waiting for Simon, and suddenly he shows up in a tie)

Simon: So, what did I miss?

Alice: Really? You're half an hour late, I already ordered you a drink.

(Simon sits down)

Simon: Ice cold beer in a glass, what's the occasion?

Alice: What do you mean?

Simon: I mean, why did you invited me out to dinner? (Sips his beer)

Alice: I asked you out because I need to be with someone right now, even if it's you.

Simon: I thought our relationship was purely physical.

Alice: So what, we can't go out and eat some dinner.

Simon: Wait a minute, I don't think they serve beer here, is this a date?

Alice: Why does it matter?

Simon: Because I thought it was just two friends going out for a drink?

Alice: Why would you think that?

Simon: You have a drink, I thought this was a night to get drunk.

Alice: Are you really that stupid?

Simon: I'm just saying, you never told me this was a date.

Alice: (Angry) Yes I did!

Simon: When?

Alice: Four hours ago, I asked if you wanted to go out on a date and you said yes.

Simon: (Confused) Hold on, you asked me if you wanted to grab a bite at the Italian place down the block from you're place and I said sure, I thought it was a code word for "Hey wanna get wasted tonight".

Alice: (Frustrated) Are you even listening to the words that are coming out of you're mouth?

Simon: Is that suppose to be a trick question because I just wanna have a drink and eat.

Alice: Why would you think that what I said was a code word to get drunk?

Simon: Because whenever someone asks me the same question, they never use the word "drunk" in the sentence.

Alice: Why?

Simon: It ruins the fun.

Alice: How is it suppose to be fun in the first place?

Simon: Because half the fun of getting drunk is not mentioning that you wanna get drunk, but instead surprising the person with a load of drinks.

Alice: Simon, have you ever been on a date that doesn't involve getting plastered with liquor?

Simon: No. If there's no liquor, then the date's no fun.

Alice: Well, tonight's you're lucky night because we're just gonna eat some food and talk about life, like two normal people.

Simon: (Snickers) Are you serious?

(Alice throws Simon's beer into the street and dumps her drink onto the floor)

Simon: What the hell is wrong with you?

Alice: What do you mean? This is what happens on a date when you piss off a woman.

Simon: You bitch.

(Alice slaps Simon in the face, just as a waitress shows up with two menus)

Waitress: You two ready to look over the menu?

Simon & Alice: Yes please.

(The Waitress hands Simon and Alice a menu and leaves to another table, and the two stare at they're menus for about five seconds)

Simon: You shouldn't have thrown my beer away.

Alice: Quit being a little bitch and pick out what you wanna eat.

Simon: Alright.

(Alice continues to look at her menu for five seconds and then puts down her menu)

Alice: Picked out something yet?

Simon: No, because I've never eaten here before.

Alice: Well I'm eating a caesar salad.

Simon: On a diet?

Alice: (Annoyed) No, I'm just not that hungry.

Simon: Okay, I'll have a meatball sub.

Alice: Fine.

(The Waitress approaches the table)

Waitress: You two picked out something to eat?

Simon: Yes we did. My date would like a Caesar salad since she needs something light to eat, just to fit in her dress, and I'll have a meatball sub with extra sauce.

Waitress: (Confused) Okay, we'll have your food ready in a bit.

(Waitress leaves and goes into the kitchen, and Alice kicks Simon in the knee under the table)

Alice: Are you fucking stupid?

Simon: What, it's the truth.

Alice: You know, you don't always have treat a woman like a sack of shit.

Simon: Why not, you've been treating me exactly like that all night.

Alice: Because you can't even tell if you're on a date or not!

Simon: Well I'm sorry if you have to be smarter than everyone else in this goddamn city, why don't you run off with that little bitch Blue and create your own breed of smart asses who think they know better!

Alice: Really, you're gonna compare me to a guy I have no relation to at all!

Simon: Yes! Because it's true!

(Alice and Simon have a moment of silence glaring away from each other)

Alice: By the way, I bought that beer specifically for you.

Simon: Why?

Alice: Because it would be the only way to get you out here to this date.

Simon: This is not a date, this was suppose to be two friends having fun and getting drunk.

Alice: Whatever.

(Alice brings out a bottle of vodka out of her purse and places it on the table)

Simon: You bitch.

Alice: What? I'm sad, this is how girls get over dumb boys.

Simon: So you're gonna me make suffer?

Alice: Hey, you were gonna make me suffer by shoving a greasy meatball sub down you're throat, so right now, I'm gonna drink one of your closest, most personal friends.

Simon: (Nervous) I'm not suffering.

(Alice opens the bottle and begins to drink straight from it, while Simon is gripping onto the table shaking up and down looking uncomfortable)

Alice: Could you do me a favor and stop shaking the table, you gonna make me spill my drink.

Simon: (Deep voice) Good.

(The Waitress approaches the table with a plate of caesar salad and a plate of a meatball sub)

Waitress: Enjoy.

(The Waitress leaves into the kitchen, Alice puts the bottle of vodka away, and the two begin to eat for seven seconds)

Simon: You know what you are? (Eats the meatball sub)

Alice: A bitch, listen Simon that wasn't the first time I heard it tonight. (Eats caesar salad)

Simon: You're a loser, no wait a bloser.

Alice: Seriously, you're still gonna compare me to Blue?

Simon: You want people to like you, but really nobody likes you.

Alice: How can you tell Mister "I was a social outcast in high school"?

Simon: Because all those friends you talk about are probably you're fake friends and If I asked anyone if they know you, they would probably say no.

Alice: How about I do it myself?

(Alice calls out a red woman)

Alice: Ruby!

(Ruby goes to the table)

Ruby: Hey Alice, how's Emma doing?

Alice: Simon here thinks that we don't know each other. Is that true?

Ruby: No. We usually hangout on the weekends.

Alice: See Simon, I told you.

(Ruby goes back to her table)

Simon: So, what does that prove?

Alice: It proves that the only reason you think that is because all you did in high school was take drugs, had sex with other random strangers, and get high with Michael and Emma.

Simon: That's not the reason.

Alice: (Angry) Then what is it!

Simon: (Yells) Because I wanted to know your scheme into how you force people into these stupid so-called dates!

Alice: (Frustrated) THIS IS A DATE YOU FUCKING PRICK!!!!

(Everyone in the restaurant stares at Simon and Alice for several seconds)

Alice: Hey peeping tom's, get back to you're own personal lives!

(Simon and Alice eat they're dinner in silence, until the waitress returns to take the plates and gives them the check, the waitress leaves into the kitchen in silence)

Alice: Well, aren't you gonna pay?

Simon: Why?

Alice: You know, I shouldn't ask, but why wouldn't you pay for the dinner?

Simon: Why should I? You already dragged me into this date.

Alice: So now you're gonna call it a date?

Simon: Anything to get me out of this place.

Alice: Just pay for the dinner and we'll be out of here in no time.

Simon: Fine.

(Simon puts the money on the check)

Alice: (Sighs) Look I got a question.

Simon: What?

Alice: How is this gonna affect our relationship at work?

Simon: What do you mean?

Alice: Wouldn't it be weird after this dinner?

Simon: I don't think so, this was an attempt to flourish our relationship, and it didn't work.

Alice: So now you're getting the picture?

Simon: Yeah well I think we should just be friends.

Alice: Friends as in, Friends or Friends who have sex.

Simon: No, let's not get into that. I've already had a lot to deal with tonight.

Alice: Okay, we'll just be people who work together and hang out with they're other friends at work.

Simon: Sure if you wanna complicate things.

Alice: Alright (Alice smirks with a quiet laugh for three seconds).

Simon: I gotta go, I'll see you tomorrow night.

Alice: Okay.

(Simon leaves the table as the waitress then approaches Alice)

Waitress: You alright miss?

Alice: Yeah.

Waitress: You know, I bet you two could've worked things out.

Alice: (Sheds a tear) Yeah I bet.

(As the waitress leaves the table the song Stay plays in the background as the camera slowly pans out on Alice crying for twenty seconds as the song plays in the credits)

Created by AndrewBrauer

Written by AndrewBrauer

-Lightshow Episode 7-

What did you think about this episode?

The poll was created at 02:07 on January 5, 2014, and so far 5 people voted.


  • The first episode to feature only Simon and Alice in the cast.
  • The first real dramatic episode.
  • In High School, Simon was considered a social outcast.
  • Ruby (who will be one of the main characters for the upcoming Only in America series) makes a cameo as one of Alice's friends.
  • Alice enjoys drinking Vodka.
  • Alice may or may not care about what she eat's and her body image.
  • Simon get's uncomfortable when he see's other people drinking and he's not.
  • Has no relation to the Dick Figures episode Trouble Date, as that was very lighthearted, this is super serious.
  • The first time it's mentioned that Simon took drugs with Michael and Emma in High School.
  • The first episode to take place all in one location.
  • Simon has trouble interpreting what a date is, as this may have been the first date (that doesn't involve getting completely drunk) he's ever been on.
  • Simon and Alice's conversation could compare to the arguement between Red and Blue on the rowboat in Dick Figures The Movie.
  • Blue is mentioned a couple times by Simon, meaning that he may have an unknown dislike towards him.
  • Inspired by Neil Labute's television series Full Circle.
  • The original idea for Date Night was to take place at Putain Delicux and Madelene was going to be the waitress, but Andrew hardly knew anything about both those things, so he decided to change everything up.

Editor's Note: I don't do this often but if you have any good pictures for this then just let me know and I'll add it on here. I'm working on creating some more.

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