This is the 2013 Christmas special, were you looking for this one?
|Dick Figures Christmas (2013)|
"A Very Merry Shitmas"
|Written by||YoshiRocker13, CookieEyes, Alpha-Lonewolf, Mdkid663, Fluffydragonpuppy,|
|Location||Blue's House, Volcano|
|Other episodes by the author|
Arrival of Doom
Red For a Day
The Dick Figures gang are celebrating Christmas Eve. But unfortunately they must stop Earl Grey from destroying Christmas forever. Can they save Christmas for good?
- Lord Tourettes
- Earl Grey
- Lady Tourettes
- Broseph 2
- Scarlet (mentioned)
- Charlotte (mentioned)
(It's a sparkly night. A shooting star passes by and then cuts to Blue's house)
Red: Whoo! It's shitmas!
Blue: You mean Christmas right?
Red: Same thing! Whoo! (drinks eggnog)
Blink: Mommy? Can I have an early present? Pleeeaaassseee???
Pink: (laughs) Maybe later sweetie.
(the door bell rings)
Blue: (answers) Hello?
(the hooded figure walks in)
Blue: Who are you?
(Blink screams and hides behind Pink)
(The hooded figure unhoods himself revealing to be Shawn)
Shawn: Hey Blue.
Blue: (pissed off) SHAWN!?! WHAT THE HELL!?!? DID YOU HAVE TO SCARE BLINK LIKE THAT!!!?
Blue: DON'T WALK IN LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!
Shawn: Alright! Alright! I won't! Who's Blink anyway?
Blue: He's my son.
Blink: Yay! Doggy! (jumps on Shawn's back)
Pink: (laughs) No silly Blinky. That's Shawn.
Blink: Who's a dog! YAY!!!
Shawn: (laughs) It's okay Pink. Hey Blink I got something for you.
Blink: Is it a puppy??
Shawn: Just get down first.
(Blink hops off Shawn)
(Shawn pull out an ice cream cookie sandwich and gives it to Blink)
Shawn: Here you go.
Blink: Yummy! (eats it)
Pink: Wow thanks Shawn.
Shawn: You're welcome Pink. And really lucky to be with someone like Blue.
Pink: I know. Isn't he the best?
Shawn: Yeah he is.
(the door bell rings)
Broseph: Someone call a party man?
Blue: Oh hey Broseph, hey Wednesday.
Wednesday: Hello Blue.
Broseph: (hands a box to Wednesday) Here's your Christmas present Wednes Hotness. (she opens it to find Chocolates, Flowers, and a small statue of Wednesday)
Wednesday: (smiles) Thanks hon. (kisses him on the lips)
Madelene: (runs in) Bonjour. Bonjour. I apologize for being late. Scarlet unfortunately couldn't Italic textcome due to a fever. I had to hire Charlotte to take care of her.
(Spark flies in, knocking Broseph over)
Spark: WHOO!! Best Snowboarding EVER!!! (hops off and grabs his extreme gear board)
Jess: (walks in) That was pretty cool Spark.
Spark: I know sweetie (kisses Jess on the cheek)
Wednesday: (kneels down to aid Broseph) You okay?
Broseph: (groans) I'm fine. Stupid yellow bastard.
Spark: Sorry, and I'm a gold color to be precise.
(the door bell rang)
Madelene: I, uhh, brought cookies. (holds a plate with Christmas cookies)
Red: COOKIES!! (eats them) Needs more flavour.
Madelene: D-Don't eat them all! They're for everyone!
Bitchess: (appears out of nowhere) Cookies? Sweet. I'll take them all. (puts them in a bag)
Blue: HEY! Give those back!
Bitchess: How about shut up so I can eat them?
(a punch goes through the door and heads for the lock, the hand unlocks the door and reaches back inside the snow.
Ryle: (walks in with the door unlocked) Sup hoes.
Blue: You're paying for the door later!
Ryle: What!? On Christmas!? No fucking way.
Red: Hey bitch! Give those cookies back!
Bitchess: How about no.
Fifi: (jumps on Bitchess' shoulders and pulls on her hair) My cookies meanie face!
Bitchess: Hey! Get off me! (throws her off)
Fifi: (Tackles her again and hits her in the face repeatedly with a cookie platter) Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
Madelene: (to everyone) I hope this better teach you not to take all the cookies.
Lord Tourettes: Why hello all TITTIES!!!
Lady Tourettes: Quite a fine SHITMAS!!!
(Rapper and Lad come in)
Rapper: Whoo! We brought the beer!
Lad: And the chug game! (holds a large barrel full of beer with a hose)
(the door bell rings)
Blue: (answers) Hey Fox.
Fox: (Looks around inside first) Any Mistletoe hanging anywhere?
Blue: (blushes) What? (Blue sees a mistletoe above the door)
Red: Sweet! (pushes Blue out of the way to kiss Fox)
Fox: (pushes Stacy's sister in front of her and under the mistletoe) She's all yours Red.
Red: Augh! No way! (runs off)
Fox: This always happens to me on Christmas.
(Wolf crashes through the window)
Blue: Haven't you heard of KNOCKING?
Wolf: Who knocks anymore?
(Emily comes in with her Broseph clone.)
Broseph: (shocked) Since when were there two of me?
Broseph 2: This guy isn't my father right?
Emily: (jumps in front of Broseph 2) What? No. This is probably a coincidence.
Broseph 2: (raises an eyebrow in confusion) Never mind.
(Wednesday laughs, but sounds confused.)
Wolf: Well I'm off to work. (Climbs up on the roof)
Emily: You're going to kill on Christmas?
Wolf: Fuck no. what kind of monster do you think I am?
Blue: (folds arms at Wolf) Don't make me remind you.
Wolf: Remind me again. I always forget what you say.
Emily: Um, it sounds like something you'd do. You enjoy making me cry, and you'll go on killing sprees just to get a boner.
Blue: AUGH!! (to Fox) Does he HAVE to come!?
Fox: He's going on the roof. What could he possibly do up there away from us?
(A cannon shot was heard on the roof followed by a crash)
Fox: But then again, he always finds a way to surprise us.
(cuts to Earl Grey's warehouse)
Earl Grey: Blast those fools! Celebrating Christmas! What's special about this holiday anyway!?
(Darla looks at him in shock.)
Earl Grey: It's just a bunch of fools celebrating! What could be more special!?
Darla: Well, uhh, it is also a time for family...and...friends.
Earl Grey: (points to Blue's house) And THEY'RE having so much fun! (feels jealous) They should've invited me!
Darla: Well, if you wanted to, I could've invited you to my tent for a tea party or something. It's nice and warm.
Earl Grey: As if anyone else is there.
(shows Butlers having a party in Darla's tent)
Earl Grey: Drat.
Darla: It doesn't matter. At least I bothered to come to your place.
Earl Grey: You know what? I think this holiday should GO! No Christmas! And I'm going to find out how to. (looks up in a book and grins)
Earl Grey: It says we can destroy it by destroying a large ice ball of Christmas. Which is in a very big cage. Wow how childish. We must go destroy Christmas for good! So then I can celebrate a new holiday called SHITmas! Filled with horror and terror! (floats away)
Darla: (is about to run after him) W-Wait!
(When he is gone, Darla stands still before taking out a small present from under her hat. She stares at it before tears roll down her face.)
(meanwhile back at Blue's house)
Red: I wonder where Stacy is?
(Stacy kicks the door down.)
Stacy: Sup bitches!
Ryle: Ah great.
Red: Swee-hee-HEET! (begins making out with Stacy)
Blue: Guys! Not in front of Blink!!
Shawn: (shields Blink's eyes) There nothing to see here kid.
Red: Who gives a shit? (continues making out with Stacy)
(the door bell rings, Blue answers it to find Damon, Ken and Nisa outside)
Blue: Oh hey guys, Sup?
Damon: (levitates in) Merry Christmas even though I'm a demon.
Ken and Nisa: (Chinese) Merry Christmas Blue!
Lord Tourettes: Hmm? (notices something in the sky)
Lady Tourettes: What's wrong L.T.?
Lord Tourettes: I see some SHIT in the sky.
Earl Grey: Christmas will be gone FOREVER! (laughs evilly and flies away)
Blink: No more- Christmas??? (cries in Pink's arms)
Red: Hear that Wolf! No more Christmas means no more eggnog and presents!
Blue: Why the fuck should Wolf care?
Spark: Hey! Don't swear in front of Blink!
Pink: What is he going to do?
Blue: I think he's going to destroy Christmas!
Emily: He destroys Christmas, we destroy HIM. (takes out bat)
Spark: Let's kick his ass!
Blue: We have to follow him! Okay, Red, Emily, Pink, Stacy, Wednesday, Rapper, L.T. Ryle, Lad, Spark, Damon, Wolf, Fox, you guys are coming with me. Shawn, you stay here and keep this place and everyone else protected.
Madelene: (groans) But I can be, how do you say, helpful. (takes out a cooking knife)
Red: Besides, we need sexy Foxy to help us out. (elbows Fox's arm)
Wolf: Fuck that. it has nothing to do with me. Besides you have enough people to take out Earl Gay.
(Fox pushes Red over)
Stacy: What about the two grey dudes?
Blue: Oh yeah I guess they can come.
Red: Come on Bloser, let's ALL go!
Blue: Not Fifi. She's too stupid to understand what's going on.
Shawn: Wait. What about me!?
Blue: I said you could come! We're ALL going! But not Fifi.
Shawn: Right, Sorry Fifi.
(Fifi was eating Christmas cookies not paying any attention)
(shows Earl Grey arriving the giant ice ball of Christmas)
Earl Grey: Good riddance. (prepares to destroy it)
Blue: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Earl Grey: Impossible!
Emily: Come on, guys! Let's kick Earl Gay's ass!
Madelene: I thought his name was Earl Grey.
Wednesday: It's an insult, Madelene.
Shawn: (grows out claws) It's slicing time.
Lord Tourettes: What the FUCK are you trying to do?!
Earl Grey: See this giant ice ball? Once I destroy it Christmas will be gone FOREVER!
Blue: Why are you doing this!?
Earl Grey: So then I can celebrate a new holiday called SHITmas! Filled with horror and terror!
Emily: (silently snickers) I see what you did there... it's funny because... Shit-mas.
Blue: THAT'S A STUPID PLAN!!!
Earl Grey: (gasp) How dare you say that to me! (stabs Blue)
Broseph: Uncool, grey dude.
Rapper: You son of a bitch!
Ryle: It really is a stupid plan!
Emily: (gasps) You bastard! (Emily brings out her shotgun and shoots Earl in the chest a few times)
(Earl Grey dodges all the bullets and deflects some of them with his sword)
Madelene: (to Earl Grey) Excuse me sir?
Earl Grey: What do you want!?
Emily: Madelene!!! He's just going to kill you too!
Madelene: Well, uhh, I was just, er, wondering... (holding her knife in her skirt) Would it be okay if I hold you down against your will for a little bit?
Earl Grey: Well uh.... (notices the knife) Wait a minute....
(Madelene smiles and giggles while everyone except Earl Grey facepalms.)
(Earl Grey grabs Madelene and throws her at the group)
Red: Oh shit! (catches Madelene)
Madelene: (laughs anxiously) Whoops.
Earl Grey: Say farewell Christmas! (prepares to break the ball)
Blink: NOOO!!! (jumps on Earl Grey's back)
Earl Grey: Get off me you brat!
(Earl Grey tumbles back into a cavern taking Blink with him)
Emily: (screams) HE TOOK BLINK!!!
Pink: (screams) BLINK!
Emily: Is Earl Grey gone yet?
Wednesday: Who knows...
Pink: BUT WHAT ABOUT BLINK?! (cries)
Rapper: (sighs) He sleeps with Earl Grey now...
(Lord Tourettes puts a bandage on Blue's body)
Lord Tourettes: You okay?
Blue: (coughs) I'll be fine. Thanks L.T. But I'm more worried about Blink.
Red: Ugh, why should we worry about the little bitch? He's just a kid who sacrificed himself to save Christmas.
Shawn: Really Red?
Jess: SHUT UP! (slaps Red)
Spark: You HAVE to say that!
(suddenly they see light blue shine coming from the cavern)
Lord Tourettes: What is that?
(Darla flies back up to the ground holding both Earl Grey and Blink)
Emily: (shocked) Darla!!
Darla: (levitates Blink over to Blue & Pink) It's okay. He's fine. I'll take Early back to his mansion. You people enjoy your holiday.
Wednesday: Uhh, okay.
Pink: (hugs Blink) Oh thank you! Thank you!
Blue: How can we repay you?
Darla: No need to.
Emily: So Earl Grey isn't destroying Christmas?
Darla: I'll keep him under control, obviously.
Emily: We should all gather around and kick him.
Darla: That won't be necessary.
Earl Grey: (growls) Foiled again. And I was so close until that stupid aqua child pushed me into the cavern!
(Earl Grey shrieks in fear and sucks his 'thumb')
Red: (laughs) Baby! (continues laughing)
Darla: Now listen here. I am going to take you home, tie you to a chair, and GIVE YOU SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO GIVE YOU FOR QUITE SOME TIME! DO YOU BLOODY UNDERSTAND?!
Earl Grey: (sucks 'thumb' again) (quietly) Yes.
Darla: (smiles cheerfully) Good. (floats away with him)
Madelene: (groans) I was going to give her some hot chocolate mix as a thank you gift.
(back to Blue's house. Everyone walks inside)
Red: We did it dude! We saved Christmas!
Wolf: (is Drunk) Hey guys. who let the door in? (burps)
Fox: Wolf, How did you get drunk?
Red: Hey Fox, do I get a kiss as a reward for helping?
Blue: I doubt she would want to do that after what you did and said about Blink.
Shawn: (to Red) You should apologize to her.
Red: Hey Fox, (blushes) I'm sorry about before. I admit I was kind of a jerk.
Fox: Kind of?
Red: Alright so I was a BIG jerk! (cries)
Fox: and what do you have to say to Blue, Pink , and Blink, because I'm not the one you should apologize to.
Red: Come on! Can I at least get a kiss as a reward!?
Blue: Just apologize to us.
Red: Fine! I'm sorry! Sorry for being rude to you!
Pink: That's good Red.
Fox: I guess you earned a little kiss Red.
Shawn: (brings out Stacy) Here you go.
Fox: (Kisses Red's forehead) There you go.
(Stacy glares at Red)
Spark: By the way Fox. Ryle celebrates every year by giving out punches to anybody who answers the door.
Ryle: And I still do it.
Fox: So he is going to punch me?
Ryle: What!? No. Only guys.
Wolf: (still drunk) Good thing Mr. Window let me in.
Rapper: Aah Christmas. (thinks) I wonder what happened to Earl Gay?
(back at Earl Grey's mansion)
Earl Grey: So what is it your giving me?
(Darla takes her present out from under her hat and hands it to him.)
Darla: Take it.
(Earl Grey sighs and opens the box)
(The gift is shown to be a golden tea pot.)
Darla: I stole it from someone a couple days ago. I never knew how much you hate Christmas until tonight. Feel free to give it back. All it matters now is that you saw it.
(Earl Grey looks down at the golden tea pot now feeling guilty for himself)
Earl Grey: Darla..... (looks up) Merry Christmas.
(Darla smiles at Earl Grey, knowing he has changed)
Darla: Merry Christmas Early.
Blue: (sings) Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way...
Pink: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.
Lord Tourettes: SHITTY Bells, SHITTY Bells, FUCKING all the way.
Wednesday: (bored) Oh what fun it is to ride-
Red: (finishes) And Red rules it all! (off rhythm) And awesome at everything he does. (laughs)
Blue: Really Red!?
(finally the words show, HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM DICK FIGURES FANON!)
- Damon's first debut.
- Ken and Nisa made their first debut.
- The first Episode which showed Earl Grey's good side.
- Blink likes Shawn and calls him 'Doggy'
- Bitchess steals from Christmas.