"Sorry. Wrong eye."
|Air date||June 27, 2013|
|Other episodes by the author|
Today is Wednesday
(One of the butlers is cooking dinner while Darla is standing on a chair reaching for the knob of one of the kitchen cabinets.)
Darla: (jumps up a couple of times) Earl! Earl? (jumps one more time) …Early!
Earl Grey: (quickly shows up at the kitchen doorway with a cup of tea in his hands, rather irritated) What is it, Darla? I’m busy working on a new device that will help turn the whole world into black and white, and your shouting is very distracting.
Darla: Earl, I can’t reach the cabinet that has my pack of Hot Chocolate flavored gum!
Earl Grey: (sighs) Darla, you’re always keeping your stashes of candy here. Don’t you have a home yourself?
Darla: Yes! What’s your bloody point?
(A few butlers pass by to go set up the table. Afterwards, Gerald Butler walks in.)
Gerald Butler: His point is that you need to stop keeping your sugary crap everywhere in the mansion. (walks over to the fridge) By the way, I just threw your pack of gum into the fireplace a while ago.
Darla: Oh. In that case, Gerald, I suggest you lock your doors and windows the moment you’re at home.
Gerald Butler: (takes out a beer) So many people have made the same threat to me that I don’t even bother doing that anymore. None of them survived in the end anyw—
Earl Grey: (trying to change the subject) Soooo, Darla, when’s your other friend coming over?
Gerald Butler: (not amused) Ah great. Which magic testing weasel is it this time?
Darla: I only have one (makes a quotation hand gesture) “magic testing weasel”, and that’s Broseph. He’s coming over with one of his girlfriends.
(Everyone but her gasps.)
Earl Grey: Wait, why am I surprised? I already knew that.
Gerald: (kneels down next to Darla) Uhh, kid, why would you invite that arse over? Isn’t he a little pissed off that, you know, I accidentally shot one of his eyes out last month?
Earl Grey: (off-screen) You did that by accident?
Darla: Gerald, he said he doesn’t care about that anymore. Besides, just yesterday, I got a robot engineer to make him a new eye.
Gerald & Earl: … (slowly look at each other) Robot engineer?!
(The doorbell is heard, and shortly afterwards a loud explosion and shattering glass, startling everyone. Everyone who was in the kitchen and the dining room goes to the front door to check out what happened. They see that the front door is completely destroyed with Broseph and Wednesday standing perfectly fine at the entrance. Replacing Broseph’s right eye is a cyborg eye with a blinking red light and wires sticking out from it.)
Broseph: Sorry. Wrong eye.
(At the same time)
Gerald Butler: Holy shit!
Earl Grey: My door!
(Same time ends)
Everyone else: (trying to sound welcoming) Hi…?
Broseph & Wednesday: (not amused) …Sup.
(One butler walks up to them.)
Butler: Ahh, you must be the guests Miss Darla invited. (nervously points at the cyborg eye) We love what you’ve done with your contacts…
Earl Grey: I don’t! Look what he’s done to my door! That cost me eight hundred million! (voice rises) I’ll have you know it took me two years to steal enough gold to sell so that I’d have enough money to buy one. But no, I got so obsessed with stealing it that I’d rather have my own personal collection of it than sell it. So I spent another few years working six to ten part-time—
Broseph: (as Earl Grey continues ranting) Dude! Calm down! Did I even look like I knew that was gonna happen? Seriously, man, if there was anyone to blame, it’d be that weird-ass robot making guy.
Wednesday: How could a simple fancy glass door cost eight hundred million?
Darla: (flies up to them) Hi Broseph!
Broseph: (glares) …Hello, bitch-witch.
Darla: (flies to the other side, facing Wednesday) And, uhh, hello Miss Wednesday. (nervously clears her throat) Err, h-how’s it going?
Wednesday: Well, I’m in my twenties and I’m still living in a forest with animals that constantly fuck each other. I have a job at Maulmart where the only thing I’m supposed to do is watch the front door, which makes my feet start to feel sore from standing and I have to drink as little sips of coffee as I can to keep myself awake. My brother just died again today thanks to the stupidity of one of his friends. Almost every day, when Charlotte is all lonely and bitchy to people, me and Indigo are forced to go to Putain Délicieux just to have lunch with her. I get a weird nauseating feeling in my mouth whenever I eat chicken on Sundays. Because of Grey’s cat that roams around the city causing bad luck, I lost my wallet after a truck accident.
Broseph: He’s not my ca—
Wednesday: Sometimes I bite my fingernails still. The only guy who ever bothered to try and flirt with me is the guy who gets a job for one day and gets fired the next. PS, he purposely pisses off LT by hunting down animals in the woods. (stares at Darla, Gerald, and Earl) So I guess…better than you creeps.
Darla: (whispers with large eye pupils) …Oh.
Earl Grey: (still ranting) And then my “dear old friend” said he would help me out, which I was very thankful for, until I found out he was selling people’s lungs on the black mar—
(At that moment, Gerald slaps Earl’s mouth shut.)
Gerald: (whispers to Earl) Those were kidneys… (grins) I was selling kidneys… (takes his hand off Earl’s mouth)
Darla: …Well then, now that the shouting is over, how about we go to the store to get me more gum—
Gerald Butler & Earl Grey: (as other butlers groan and sigh) NO!
Broseph: Uhh, are we gonna do that after we eat?
Darla: Trust me, dear. (grins) I am very accustomed to getting what I want.
(Another butler walks up to Broseph)
Butler #2: She’s not kidding. Last time, she used a man-eating rabbit to make us all find the Spectrum Bottle that Sir Grey lost on an abandoned ship.
Earl Grey: And I would still have that bottle if it weren’t for that meddling Amnesia grunt; not to mention the weird goth girl who used me as a—
Wednesday: I was trying to go save people I actually like. If it makes you feel better, I would feed Red to that thing if I were to find it again.
(Darla uses levitation to pull Broseph and Wednesday towards her, Gerald, and Earl.)
Darla: We go! Now!
(In a flash of light, the five of them are gone. The remaining butlers look back at the demolished door, thinking they have to try and fix it before their master comes back.)
Butler #1: So…wanna go play poker?
Butler #2: Yeah sure, why not.
(Time lapse. The five appear in front of a convenience store. Gerald Butler and Earl Grey land on their feet, but Broseph and Wednesday land on their backs. Darla, however, is in mid-air.)
Darla: (takes out her cane) Welp, here we are.
Earl Grey: Alright. You people stay right here. I’ve got a plan.
(Darla makes a cloak with a hood appear and Earl Grey puts it on to hide his appearance. Short time lapse. He walks up to the cashier’s desk with the pack of gum Darla wanted.)
Earl Grey: (puts the gum down) Just this for today.
Female Cashier: I’m gonna need to see some ID, please.
Earl Grey: (eyes widen) …What?!
Cashier: You need an ID in order to purchase this, unless you’re 5-12 years old.
Earl Grey: (completely confused) Wha—?! I-I just— You— (points to the door) She—! …I—
(For a few moments everything is silent, then Earl Grey bangs his head against the desk out of frustration and confusion.)
Cashier: (scared) Uhh, s-security?
(Someone off-screen shoots a tranquilizer dart at Earl Grey’s neck, and he falls to the floor unconscious.)
Maroon: (dressed as a security guard) (laughs) I fucking love this job!
(Back outside the store, everyone is waiting for Earl Grey.)
Gerald Butler: (to Broseph) So, kid, have ya heard the news everyone’s talking about? The World Secret Agents are trying to find out who put of bunch of piranhas into the Crystal Clear Lake, which ate some woman who was skinny dipping. (grins) No doubt that it’s gonna take them forever to figure it out. (snickers as he pulls out a photograph, supposedly of the woman being eaten by the piranhas)
Broseph: Nah, not really. I’ve been kinda busy lately.
Gerald Butler: Busy with what? (points to Wednesday while she isn’t looking) Fondling pancake-like chests?
Broseph: No. I’ve been busy getting my eye replaced. You know, the one you SHOT OUT OF ITS SOCKET?!
(Everyone is surprised by his sudden outburst.)
Broseph: ...Just needed to get that off my chest. Similar to how you SHOT MY EYE OUT OF ITS CHEST! …That was all.
Darla: What the bloody hell is taking Earl so long? It has been over two minu—
(Before finishing her sentence, the doors to the store open and Earl Grey’s unconscious body is thrown out. Gerald rushes to his aid while Broseph and Darla stare in confusion.)
Wednesday: (sighs and takes out her taser) Don’t worry. I got this.
(She walks over to the two and shocks them both with the taser, paralyzing Gerald and waking up Earl Grey.)
Wednesday: I thought you said you had a plan.
Earl Grey: Yes; I did! Go in there, buy the gum, and leave!
Wednesday: (sarcastically) Oh! (slow claps) Interesting plan.
(Earl Grey is about to attack her, but Gerald slowly gets up, still twitching from the electric shock.)
Gerald: You…arseholes…stay here. I’ll get it. (slowly limps his way into the store)
Darla: (whispers so no one can hear) You better get it, dick. This whole thing was your fault.
(Time lapse. Gerald makes it to the cashier’s desk with the gum.)
Gerald: (unenthusiastic) Good evening. Just the gum for today.
Cashier: …Yeah. I’m gonna need to see some ID.
Gerald: (grows suspicious) …Oooh, (reaches into his pocket) of course. (quickly takes out his handgun and aims it at the cashier, startling her) Give me one good reason why I need to show you my identity. (voice rises) I bet you work for Bond, don’t ya?!
Cashier: Gerry, do you even remember me?!
Gerald: Hmm? (lowers his gun) No. I don’t remember most people. Nor do I care.
Cashier: Indigo Violith?
Gerald: Hmm, nope.
Indigo: I let you stay at my place after I found you completely injured one day?
Gerald: (rubbing his chin) Indigo with an “I”. You had a house…
Indigo: Yes. You kept yourself inside my house because you said you were hiding from some agents?
Gerald: Oh! Those guys I remember. Damn those World Secret Agents! A bunch of cocksuckers, am I right? (laughs)
Indigo: We lived together for about sixteen weeks!
Gerald: Really? That long?
Indigo: (starts to sound upset) And then one day, you left to go on some cruise.
Gerald: (nervous) Wait! I said the cruise was for a vacation, right? Not some terrorist attack?
Indigo: (tears start to form in her eyes) You said you’d come back, but you didn’t!
Gerald: (finally remembers) Oh, that’s right. (trying to sound excited) Indi! Ya lookin’ good today, lass.
Indigo: (sobbing) Not really!
Gerald: (bangs a fist against the desk) Dammit!
Indigo: (kneels down crying) And you’re not twelve or younger!
Gerald: (stomps out of the store) Goddammit!
(Outside the store, Earl Grey overheard the conversation.)
Earl Grey: (in a mocking tone) So what happened, Gerry? (serious) How did your reunion with some ghost of Christmas past I’ve never heard of go?
Gerald: (sarcastically laughs) How bloody cute! My master decided to call me by my fucking nickname!
Broseph: Yeah, yeah, Earl Gay being all cute and bitchy again. Can we go eat now?
Darla: Hey, (looks around) where’s Miss Wednesday?
(Inside the store)
Wednesday: (raging) An ID?! AN ID?! That’s what all this bullshit is about?! Why the fuck would we need that for buying a pack of goddamn gum?! I mean, (shoves the gum in Indigo’s face) are they drugs or some shit? No! It’s. Just. GUM! (breathes heavily)
Indigo: Wednesday, you’ve been shopping here for months to buy home decorations. How could you not know one of our most important rules in this store?
Maroon: Yeah; and what up with sudden anger issues? As far as I know, you’re always all happy and shit, now you’re being angry over a store rule.
Wednesday: Happy?! Since when?!
Indigo: Since…forever. Now all of a sudden, you’re just like your little brother. Did something happen with you two at home?
(Wednesday stares at them with a disturbed look. She leaves the store without a word and looks at Darla with red eyes.)
Wednesday: (shaking in rage) You universe traveled, didn’t you?
Darla: (nervously laughs) Yes, about that. Gerald and Earl told me about the whole ID thing just now. You see, someone took my teleportation book, so I guess I must’ve taken us to a universe where everything is the same except for two things. One, people need IDs in order to purchase candy instead of alcohol, and the second is… (looks closely into Wednesday’s eyes, then hides behind Earl Grey out of fear) You and Lord Tourettes’ personalities have been swapped! (clings to Earl Grey) PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!
Earl Grey: Well, at least that explains the ID problem. Perhaps we could get some kid to go buy it since they’re so easy to manipulate.
Broseph: (impatiently grabs Earl Grey by his bow tie) I’m sorry, but me and Wednes were invited to dinner, not some freakin’ bubble gum hunt. Right now, I could be chowing down on whatever foods you Brits eat, but instead I’m just standing here watching you guys get easily confused and forgetful. (lets go of him) So stand aside. If it is a pack of gum that I need in order to have a nice hot bowl of Chicken Tikka, then a pack of gum I’ll get. (walks into the store)
Wednesday: (whispers) Oh Grey, you’re so brave.
Gerald Butler: (to Earl Grey and Darla) Got any idea what Chicken Tikka is?
Earl Grey: I don’t know, but that chef I already regret hiring clearly doesn’t know how to make anything other than Fish n’ Chips.
Gerald Butler: For sure.
Darla: Well, at least the chips are addictive.
Earl Grey: (to Darla) And speaking of your teleportation book, when you said someone took it, were you referring to that Blaze kid you told us about yesterday?
Darla: Her name is Midnight. (shamefully looks down at the ground) Midnight Blaze took my teleportation book…
(Inside the store, Indigo is watching Maroon, who is sitting right next to her, looking through photographs and drooling over them.)
(Maroon swipes the photos away from the desk in astonishment. Broseph walks up to the desk with the pack of gum.)
Indigo: Hello. May I see som—
(Broseph glares at Maroon, making his cyborg eye shoot a laser at his head, which explodes.)
Broseph: (to Indigo) Listen. (holds up the gum) I am buying this garbage. Either you’d let me buy it, or I can ask that Scotts-jerk if he could sell Maroon’s organs on the black market! Because of your ID law, I had to waste a little over ten minutes, just to wait for someone to come out of this store carrying a pack of Hot Chocolate flavored gum. I didn’t even know there was gum in that flavor to begin with! So let me ask you. Do you need my ID? Do you?
Indigo: (stares at Maroon’s body for a moment) …Nope. You can just take it.
Broseph: Thanks! (walks back outside) Later, Burn’s girlfriend.
Indigo: (yells out to him) My name is Indigo!
(The door opens and closes off-screen.)
Broseph: (gives Darla the gum) Here! Can we go eat now?
(Darla nods in satisfaction as she transports everyone back to their own universe. They are now home, but in the middle of a street, nowhere near Earl Grey’s mansion.)
Earl Grey: (looks around) You could’ve just sent us back to my mansion, you know.
Darla: Yes. But, uhh, (looks down at the ground in shame again) that would also require teleportation.
(Gerald Butler and Earl Grey sigh as they walk off. Broseph starts to follow them.)
Broseph: Alright. Time to get me some Chicken Tikka and… (stops in the middle of the street) Uhh… (shrugs his shoulder) Meh, whatever British people eat I gue—
(A car suddenly comes out of nowhere and runs over Broseph, killing him instantly. Wednesday stares at his body in shock as Darla looks around before she floats over to Earl Grey while nonchalantly whistling.)
Darla: (to Earl Grey) Sooo…any thoughts on him?
(Earl Grey raises an eyebrow at her before looking back at Broseph’s corpse, which Wednesday is dragging away.)
Earl Grey: … (looks back at Darla) I don’t like hi—
(Gerald Butler and Earl Grey finally make it back to the mansion, but they see that the front door is still destroyed. Cuts to a scene with a group of trees. Earl Grey is heard letting out a loud, frustrated cry as birds fly out of the trees.)