"I haven’t cracked a fucking smile in months."
|Air date||June 13, 2013|
|Other episodes by the author|
Le Chat Noir
While on a date, Blue finds out about Pink's fear of insects. Charlotte finds out as well, and after she finds out secrets about some of Blue's friends, she starts to use those secrets against them. Will Blue and his friends find a way to make her stop?
(Charlotte is seen at the entrance of the grocery store with a full bag.)
Charlotte: God damn that stupid Scarlet. She’s cute and all, but does she really need steal all of my bacon? (scoffs) She has got to be part animal or something. (walks off) She eats this stuff like a pig.
(Time lapse. It is evening and she goes to the park (after putting away her groceries of course) to rest against a tree.)
Charlotte: (takes a deep breath) Okay, just stay calm about this. I just need to tell Madelene to make sure that meat thief is kept an eye on. Besides, (looks up) it’s nice out here. (looks toward the park lake) I really shouldn’t make such a fuss over one small problem on a night like thi—
(Her eyes widen as she sees Blue & Pink sitting much closer to the lake, laughing with each other. They are sitting on a picnic blanket with wines glasses, plates with sandwiches and chocolate cake.)
Pink: This is such a nice date, Blue. Yummy food, a beautiful night…
Blue: And to top it all off, no assholes or sluts to interrupt us.
(They laugh again and look into their eyes. As Charlotte watches them slowly lean closer for a kiss, she scratches the bark off the tree she is leaning against, leaving scratch marks on the tree. Blue & Pink’s lips are just an inch away from each other, but a fly flies up to them. Pink opens her eyes to see the fly, and screams as she tries to swat it away, accidentally slapping Blue across the face.)
Blue: Agh! What the hell?!
Pink: (realizing what she did) Oh my God! I’m so sorry. I was trying to— (looks around for the fly) Uhh…
Blue: (rubs his cheek) Don’t worry. It’s alright. (sarcastically) It’s not like my face is on fire or anything.
Pink: Oh God! I’m sorry! That bug freaked me out, okay?
Blue: I take it you don’t like bugs?
Pink: No…I fucking hate them.
Charlotte: (interested) Hmm?
Pink: You don’t hate me now, do you?
Blue: (shocked) What?! No! I totally understand. It’s normal for people to have a fear of insects.
(Charlotte stands up and walks home giggling.)
Wednesday: (depressed) Why can’t I have dates with Grey like that?
Indigo: (crying tears of joy) Who cares about your relationship with Broseph. Why can’t those two marry already?! (hugs Auburn and cries into his chest)
(Auburn facepalms himself.)
(Time lapse. Blue & Pink are outside the café. They stare at each other before they lean in for a kiss again, with Wednesday, Auburn, and Indigo watching them from the inside. Suddenly, a small spider jumps down in between their feet with its web. Pink screams and tries to kick the spider, but accidentally kicks Blue in the balls instead. Surprised, the people spying on them watch as the spider crawls back up, but not at a normal speed a spider would crawl in. Above Blue & Pink’s heads, the spider suddenly jumps over to the roof. Wednesday & Indigo look at each other in confusion.)
Auburn: (sips his coffee) It’s probably that Blue-obsessed girl again…
Indigo: You mean Charlotte?
Wednesday: (facepalms and groans) Who else would it be? (gets up from her seat and leaves)
(Outside the café)
Pink: (crying) Again, I’m so sorry! You probably hate me now, do you?
Blue: (in pain) N-No! That kick…hardly hurt at all. (holds onto his crotch)
Pink: Look, if you wanna dump me right now, just go ahead.
Blue: (shocked) Why would I dump you because of your fear of insects and spiders? Like I said before, it’s a normal fear to have.
Pink: But every time I see a bug, I try to kill it, but end up hurting someone else. Do you have any idea how many friends in elementary school I lost because of that?
Blue: Well, yeah, it can be a bit of a problem when someone is with you at the time. …Can I tell you something?
Blue: I’ll have you know, that Red hates classical music more than anything.
Blue: So, whenever he hears it and can’t find the source, he goes completely insane and tries to destroy the source of the music, sometimes in the process killing people.
(Charlotte walks out of the café without them noticing. Secretly, she is holding a fake spider on a long piece of string in one hand.)
Pink: I still don’t see the point.
Blue: My point is that everyone’s got something that can sometimes involve harming other people, sometimes by accident, if you get what I mean. Red has a somewhat fear of anything classical, (as Charlotte opens her eyes wide) Lord Tourettes would hate the thought of someone stealing all of his hats, and ever since that T-Shirt incident, house and forest fires make the Raccoon so nervous, there is a chance he'd get some animal burned while trying to put it out.
Charlotte: (whispers) Damn…I never knew that. (pauses before walking off, rubbing her hands together while giggling evilly)
Pink: I guess you’re right… So, what are you afraid of?
Blue: What?! Uhh-n-nothing!
Pink: Oh come on! If it’s embarrassing, I won’t tell anyone, I swear.
Blue: (nervously laughs) I, uhh, forgot. (as Stacy drunkenly walks by) My last fear was when I was a kid. It’s nothing but a blur now.
Stacy: (turns to him) LOL! You forgot your own fear? You told me, like, two years ago.
Blue: (thinking) Oh God! No!
Stacy: What was it? Like, severed body parts or some shit like that?
Blue: WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE?
Stacy: Okie-dokie, Blueberry. (waves to them as she walks off) Byyyyyyye!
(The Next Day)
(On the Streets)
(Red is walking down the sidewalk while looking at girls. Some girls see him looking at them and giggle while blushing. After a while, he then sees a building he has never seen before, but he is excited when he sees the sign above it that says “New Strip Club”.)
Red: (runs towards the entrance) Woo! Hey ladies!
(When he gets inside, his face turns from excited to confused. Instead of a stage with strippers, he sees a fancy looking room with a table near the window with see-through curtains, a fireplace with polished medals, a chandelier made of gold, a square rug covering almost the entire floor, and a cupboard with all kinds of silverware.)
Red: The fuck? This isn’t—
(He stops as he hears classical music playing somewhere in the room. He backs away and tries to leave the room, but the door is surprisingly locked.)
Red: Wha-?! (tries to shake the door open, slowly at first but shakes faster) RRRRAAAAAGGGHH! (covers his ears) GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! (starts to cry and bang on the door, but he bangs so hard his hands start to bleed) WHERE IS THIS UNICORN BARF MUSIC COMING FROM?!
(A man is standing at the front door, looking up at the sign. He is about to reach for the doorknob, but a chainsaw comes out from the other side of the door and kills the man. The chainsaw cuts the door in half and Red runs out with bloodshot eyes.)
(Shit Piss Fart Woods)
(Wednesday is walking home with groceries. As she walks up to the door, there are animals in the background shaking in fear, but she doesn’t notice them. When she opens the door, she is shocked to see the entire inside of the house destroyed, with a hat-less Lord Tourettes lying down in the center of the ripped up carpet, shaking as if he were cold. Wednesday drops the grocery bags and rushes to her brother.)
Wednesday: What happened here? Were we robbed? (grabs her brother by his shoulder) Are you hurt anywhere?!
(Lord Tourettes suddenly sits up and cries while hugging Wednesday.)
Lord Tourettes: I-I-I’ve LOOKED e-everywhere, b-b-b-but I-I can’t FIND any of them.
Wednesday: What are you talking abo—? (notices that his hats are all gone) Oh… Yep. Some asshole is gonna die. (takes out her taser and goes out to find the thief, with a crying Lord Tourettes following behind)
(Ancient Secrets n’ Things)
(Raccoon is outside slicing bamboo trees with faces of the Golden Lotus Dragon ninjas on them with a katana. Each time he cuts one in half, one or more would appear, surrounding him. After slicing a few more of them apart in slow motion, he wipes some sweat off his head and takes a break from training. While walking away, he stops to smell something unusual. He recognizes the smell and quickly turns around to see a large group of trees on fire.)
Raccoon: Wa, ah! FIYARUU—! (Fire in Japanese accent.)
(Madelene is washing dishes while humming a song. Suddenly, Charlotte rushes into the kitchen in her work clothes, laughing.)
Madelene: Charlotte! Where were you? You are almost thirty minutes late! You know what Mom said about being this late.
Charlotte: (tries to stop laughing) I-I-I’m sorry! B-But I haven’t l-laughed like this in so long! It r-really slowed me down on the way here.
Madelene: So you’re telling me that while you were on your way to work, you started laughing and it took you twice as long to finally make it here.
Charlotte: (stops laughing) Well, that’s one reason I suppose.
Madelene: One reason?
Charlotte: Well, I guess you could say I had to run a few errands—
(Indigo suddenly kicks the kitchen door open.)
Indigo: (angry) Hagistaine, we need to talk!
Madelene: Le shit! (turns to the door leading to the stairs) Did Mom hear that?!
(Outside the café, Indigo and Wednesday are both glaring at Charlotte.)
Indigo: Charlotte, just a while ago, me and Auburn happened to be walking around the city together when we were passing by your house. We noticed Scarlet jumping out of your window with a couple packs of bacon.
Charlotte: (groans in frustration) That freakin’ pig! Look, I was just about to tell Maddie about that. She’ll take care of i—
Indigo: Let me finish. We were able to catch her and make her give the bacon back, but apparently, that wasn’t the only thing she almost stole.
Charlotte: Oh crap! Don’t tell me almost took my pogo stick. If so, I’m gonna whack her on the head with it multiple times and shove it up her—
Wednesday: Wait. People still own pogo sticks?
Indigo: (ignoring Wednesday's question) No; not your pogo stick Charlotte, but these.
(Indigo pulls out a small bag and empties it onto the ground, revealing its contents to be a fake spider tied to a very long piece of string, a blueprint with instructions on how to build a strip club, one of Lord Tourettes’ stolen hats, and a box of already used matches)
(Charlotte makes a very nervous face.)
Indigo: That's right. We heard what Blue said about his friends too, and seriously, Charlotte, you've gone too far. Using people’s fears against them is not funny.
Charlotte: Look. I understand you two are mad and all, but I couldn’t help it. When I overheard what Blue said about his friend’s fears, I thought they were fucking ridiculous. Just so you know, (points at her face) I haven’t cracked a fucking smile in months. Even watching cartoons I loved from the 90s didn’t help.
Wednesday: But, whenever we show up here to have lunch, you smile as soon as you see us.
Charlotte: Those smiles were just to give customers a signal that I won’t be plopping plates of food on their tables for the rest of the day. Back on the subject though, even the fears of people I actually like are plain stupid. (points at Indigo) Like you and Auburn’s fear of sluts.
Indigo: That’s not a fear. We just can’t trust them; especially since we’ve known three of them since Junior Prom.
Charlotte: (sighs) Okay. Indigo, Wednesday, what the fuck do you want?
Indigo: (deep voice) We want you to go apologize to everyone you made fun of.
Wednesday: And we don’t care if you like them or not. (takes out her taser) We’re going to watch you apologize, because I’m not afraid to use this on full power, especially on someone who has been a huge bitch for an inexcusable reason.
Charlotte: (irritated) Oh my God. Fine! I’ll go up to them, and apologize right in their goddamn faces. Happy now?
Indigo: (smiles cheerfully) Okay. We’ll do that tonight.
Wednesday: The only true happiness comes in death.
(Charlotte nods and walks back inside the café.)
Indigo: Well, that went better than expected. (laughs) And I thought for a moment we’d have to tell everyone she was the one who was messing with them in the first place.
Wednesday: Umm…I already told them.
Indigo: (after a brief pause) When? …And why?
Wednesday: Right after you showed me that one of LT’s hats was in the bag, because I wasted hours of my life listening to my brother sobbing and interrogating every mall Santa we came across. And throughout those hours, I hoped to unleash multiple wraths upon whoever the thief was.
Indigo: Oh…so…what do you think they’re doing about it right now?
Wednesday: I told Pink about the spider. What do you think?
(Cuts to Red and Blue’s apartment, where everyone Charlotte messed with is complaining to Blue. In the background, Stacy is drinking a bottle of vodka while Indigo and Wednesday watch nervously.)
Blue: Everybody calm down! (everyone stops shouting) Now look, I know what Charlotte did to all of you was completely immature. Just let me talk to her. I’m sure we could sort this out.
Red: Yeah! WITH A KNIFE DOWN HER THROAT! (everyone agrees with him)
Blue: Guys! Violence isn’t going to solve everything. If I just talk to her and tell her to knock it off, I’m sure she’ll stop. And I should know, because when we were dating, she would do what I say no matter what.
Raccoon: (raises his paw) Or, we could fight fire with fire.
Everyone else: Huh?
Raccoon: In other words, we get back at that bitch by using her own fear against her.
Red: (thinks this was something Raccoon did in the past) Alright. How long ago did you do that?
Raccoon: I didn’t. I was just making a suggestion.
Pink: It's perfect! Blue, what is Charlotte’s fear?
Lord Tourettes: Well, you two have FUCKED each other for a SHITTY long time. Surely you must know what her ASS is.
Blue: Well, uhh…I don't know. She never told me.
(Indigo comes up to them)
Indigo: (to Blue) Don’t worry. I’ve got this. (turns around) Wednesday, would you mind calling someone who can probably help us?
Wednesday: That depends. Who is it?
(Time lapse. Red, Raccoon, Pink, and Indigo are waiting outside Putain Délicieux. Lord Tourettes happily skips over to them.)
Lord Tourettes: Alright! He’s all DAMNED to go.
Indigo: (suddenly realizes something) Say, uhh, guys, is this really the perfect idea?
Pink: Yeah. You agreed to help us do this, right?
Indigo: Well, technically yes, but I just remembered something.
Lord Tourettes: What is it, Indi-CUNT?
Indigo: Errr…earlier today, before you guys came to the apartment…me and Wednesday had a little talk with Charlotte over what she did.
Indigo: …We told her to go apologize to all of you tonight.
Pink: Why didn’t you tell us that before?!
Indigo: I just said…I just remembered.
Red: GODDAMMIT! Does this mean we came up with this plan all for nothi— (he turns around to see Charlotte glaring at him and he screams in surprise)
(Everyone else turns to her.)
Pink: Oh. Uhh, hey Charlotte.
Charlotte: (takes out a knife and raises it against Pink’s neck) Hello whore.
Indigo: (clears throat) Sooooo Charlotte. Anything you’d like to say to these cute people?
Indigo: (whispers) My bad…
Charlotte: … (sighs and lowers her knife) Yeah. Sex addicted idiot, forest assassin, swearing elf whatchamacallit, and Miss Piggy, (pretending to sound apologetic) I. Am. Sorry. (pretends to draw a halo above her head with her hand) I promise I’ll be good next time.
(Everyone looks at each other, remembering their plan.)
Red: …Okay. Bye now.
Raccoon: I didn’t berieve that for a second, but arright.
Lord Tourettes: Apology GODDAMN accepted. (giggles)
Pink: Yeah. Whatever.
Charlotte: (surprised with everyone’s responses) …Really? (starting to get pissed again) That’s all you’ve got to say. Whatever happened to goddamn “It’s okay”?
Indigo: (grabs Charlotte by her shoulders) They accepted your apology, Charlotte. (freaking out) You can go home now before it’s too late.
Charlotte: Before what is too late?
Bigfoot: (comes out of a nearby bush) Bigfoot! Nyahaharrra!
(Charlotte quickly turns to Bigfoot and screams. On the rooftop of the café, Blue, Madelene, and Scarlet are watching what is going on while Scarlet is eating a sausage string.)
Madelene: (laughs) What in the world is that, how do you say, “thing”?
Bigfoot: Nyai! Bigfoot! Hyaarrgh! (walks over to Charlotte)
Charlotte: (backing away) No… No! Get away you piece of shit! (runs away while screaming)
(At that moment, Blue runs out of the café.)
Blue: Guys, what are you doing? Run away from that thing!
Red: Pfft, don’t worry, bitch. It’s not really Donkey Kong.
Indigo: Yep. I got Wednesday to call someone over to dress up as Sasquatch.
(“Bigfoot” grabs onto its head and pulls it off, revealing the guy in the costume to be Broseph.)
Broseph: Mission accomplished! Can I go home now?
Red: Nope. (takes out a handgun and shoots Broseph)
Indigo: (gasps) Why did you do that?!
Red: You’ll find out sooner or later.
Blue: So…that’s it. Charlotte’s not gonna bother you anymore?
Indigo: Well, she apologized so—
(Stacy comes out of nowhere.)
Stacy: Woohoo! The bitch is gone! Let’s go celebrate at Sal Sagev! (runs off while cheering)
Red: Woo! Party! (follows Stacy)
(Raccoon, Lord Tourettes, and Pink look at each other before shrugging their shoulders and running after them. Blue and Indigo are the only ones remaining now.)
Blue: Thank you so much for fixing this, Indigo. I really appreciate it.
Indigo: Oh, you don’t have to thank me. In fact, you should be thanking her. (points behind him)
(Blue turns around to see Madelene smiling shyly.)
Indigo: If it weren’t for her, me and Wednesday wouldn’t have known Charlotte’s fear in the first place.
Madelene: When it comes to telling secrets, I’m the only person Charlotte talks to. One day however, I accidentally slipped her secret out when I was talking to Indigo and Wednesday while Charlotte wasn’t at work yet. I never thought me spilling the beans would actually come in handy.
Blue: Well, thanks anyway, Madelene.
(Madelene nods and starts to go back inside.)
Madelene: (calls up) Come on, Scarlet! Let’s go get that sausage cooked.
(Scarlet jumps down from the roof and goes back inside with her mother.)
Red: (floats to Blue with a small box) Hey Blue! Check out what Stacy got at the store today.
(He opens the box to reveal a fake, bloodied severed hand. Creepy music plays as the camera dramatically zooms in on it. After a brief pause of staring at it, Blue runs away screaming.)
Red: Hey, where ya going, you puss—
- The title is named after the band Good Charlotte.