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He Bleeds White
Season 3, Episode 3
27. He Bleeds White (3)
Air date 6/23/14
Written by IONIXMUSIC
Directed by IONIXMUSIC
Episode guide
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Native Tongue
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LEZ II: The Overbearing
Derek and Absinthe have a sticky dilemma.

Characters

Transcript

(Samuel is sitting in his office, contemplating about his future.)

Samuel: (raspberries) Ugh...I wish I had something to do...

(He looks over at a Playboy poster.)

Samuel: Or someone to do.

(He checks his phone, and notices two missed calls from Absinthe. He calls back.)

Absinthe: Hey babe! How are you doing?

Samuel: Fine, I guess...

Absinthe: You sound sad.

Samuel: Yeah...I just need someone to cuddle.

Absinthe: Don't worry babe, I'll be over in about...13.62 seconds.

Samuel: Alright.

(He hangs up.)

Samuel: That was oddly specifi-

(Absinthe crashes through the window.)

Absinthe: Hey babe!

Samuel: Hey, wanna do somethin' fun?

Absinthe: Like what?

Samuel: You know, sexy stuff.

Absinthe (seductively): Oooh...I see.

(She climbs on the bed.)

Absinthe: I see what's going on.

(He looks down at her breasts.)

Samuel: I do too.

(She starts kissing Sam, and he slips his hand into her panties.)

Absinthe: Ooh...already going there, huh?

Samuel: Well, gotta make it interesting.

Absinthe: True.

(They continue kissing. In the next room over, Derek and Cameron are having a Nerf war.)

Derek: Die, bitch!

Cameron: Hahaha! You'll never catch me!

(Cameron hops on the wall, and shoots tons of bullets at Derek's leg. He swiftly dodges the bullets, and unloads several rounds of bullets out of his shotgun.)

Derek: You can't dodge MY firepower!

Cameron: Are you serious?! You have a shitty shotgun and I have a machine gun!

Derek: Doesn't mean you're good with it! It's all in the skill!

(He shoots another round at Cameron's leg, and hits dead on.)

Cameron: OW! Shit, that hurt!

(He looks down at the bullet to see a thumbtack stuck into bullet.)

Cameron: DUDE?! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! A FUCKING THUMBTACK?!

Derek: You gotta get serious when it comes to Nerf, bro!

Absinthe (through the wall): Aaah! Oh yes! Fuck me harder!

Cameron: Is Samuel having sex?

Derek: No...not just sex. This is his first time.

Cameron: Wait...so-

Derek: Yes.

(Dramatic zoom on Derek's face.)

Derek: HE'S LOSING HIS VIRGINITY.

(Cut back to Samuel and Absinthe.)

Samuel: Can you try to keep it down?!

Absinthe: I'm sorry! Your cock is fucking AMAZING!

(Derek busts through the door.)

Derek: ABSINTHE! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T MAKE HIM CUM!

Absinthe: Why?

Derek: Because he has a rare condition! His blood is white, like cum! Don't let him finish!

Samuel: Dammit, Derek! Stop ruining the fun!

Derek: I'm not trying to ruin the fun! It's just tha-

(All of a sudden, Samuel jerks up, releasing his cum into Absinthe's vagina.)

Absinthe: Oh shit!

Derek: We need to go him to the hospital, fast!

(Samuel is writhing in pain.)

Samuel: Holy crap, it hurts...

(Derek scoops up Samuel, and jumps out the window.)

Absinthe: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Derek: TO THE HOSPITAL!

(Derek crashes through the nearby hospital doors.)

Nurse: What the hell?!

(Derek whips a gun out, and points it at her.)

Derek: GIVE THIS MAN TREATMENT, NOW!

Nurse: Okay!

(She takes Samuel, and throws him into a room, and closes the door. Absinthe swings down to the hospital.)

Absinthe: Um...did she say how long this is going to take?

Derek: Probably a few minutes.

3 HOURS LATER

(The nurse opens up the door to find Derek and Absinthe fixing the hole they made, and they see Samuel.)

Nurse: I'm...I'm sorry...there was nothing we could do.

(Derek and Absinthe look at his lifeless body in horror.)

Absinthe: My baby...

Derek: C'MON! There's gotta be some way to bring him back!

(The nurse starts chuckling.)

Nurse: You really think he's dead? Just give him a few episodes. He'll revive based on poor streamlining and story excecution.

Absinthe: That seems to happen a lot around here.

(The nurse hands Absinthe Samuel's body.)

Nurse: You folks take care, now!

Derek: We will!

(They run out of the hospital, while the nurse is busy in a dark room.)

Nurse: Hahaha...those fools don't know whats coming to them...little do they know I injected their friend with a little something special!

(She holds up a bottle, labeled Hyper Viagra.)

Nurse: He's going to have a bone to pick with everyone! HAHAHAHAHA!

(The scene pans out to a full view of the hospital, then lightning cracks in the darkness.)

END.

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