If Dick Figures Episodes Were Real
DF Episodes Were Real
I guess that's true
Air date 01-26-14
Written by Alpha-Lonewolf and Yoshirocker13
Directed by Alpha-Lonewolf
Location Wolf's cabin
Other episodes by the author

Night of the Ban-SHIT!

Comicazi Con



A series of what Dick Figures would be like if it were real.


(Wolf was watching Dick Figures episodes in his cabin)

(Red hops right next to Wolf)

Red: Sup Bitch?

Wolf: Just watching some of the episodes you and Blue did. How could you poop if you already have pants on? That's so stupid.

Red: Dude, it's how dumb things like that work. Besides, (to 4th wall) DF characters don't even wear clothes...

Wolf: I mean can you imagine how stupid Dick Figures would be if it were actually realistic?

(plays intermission music with the title If Dick Figures Episodes Were Real and shows the first episode A Bee or something)

Red: (auto-tuned voice) I swallowed a bee or something.

Blue: Isn't that dangerous?

Red: Nah. (Neck starts to swell up) AUGH!

(Intermission Music for Flame Wars)

(Shows Red falling without a parachute)

Red: YEAH!!!

Blue: Red! You forgot your parachute!


(Red Splats on the ground and suddenly starts crying in pain)

Blue: I told you retard.

(Intermission Music for Trouble date)

Red: (stares at Stacy) the whole loaf

(Stacy suddenly starts choking on the long bread, and falls to the ground.)

Pink: OH GOD!

(Intermission Music for Attack of the Pwns)

(Red and Blue get their jetpacks)

Blue: Once we jump from the ship we'll fly back home

Red: Yeah

(once they jumped out the escape pod, they suddenly catch on fire)

Red: (Screams on fire) AUGH! It made so much sense before we jumped

(Intermission Music for Zombies and Shotguns)

Blue: (Sees the perfume) If I shoot that perfume, it will explode and burn down the zombies.

(Blue shoots the perfume and nothing happens)

Red: Nice one dumbass

Blue: (face palms) Shit.

(Intermission Music for Butt Genie)

(shows Flufferz dead and his butt in then shape of a tea pot as Blue stares in confusion)

Blue: Red did you shove that teapot in him?

Red: Maaaaybe.

(Intermission Music for Lord Tourettes' Syndrome)

(shows Red, Blue, and L.T. looking for the hat as Red continues to try and lift the hat factory)

Blue: Red what are you doing?

Red: Don't worry! I can lift it! (cracks his arms and cries in pain)

Blue: (face palms) Not again...

(Intermission Music for We're Cops)

(Shows Red and Blue with the money bags as the cops surround them)

Blue: Holy shit Red. What do we do?

Red: Don't worry I got this. (walks out) Don't worry, we're cops!

Chad Cop: They are crooked cops shoot him!

(the cops start shooting Red as he spas' out from being shot)

Blue: OH GOD RED!!!

(Intermission Music for Terminate-Her)

Red: I need you clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.

Kid: Well you forgot to say please, you bitch!

(Red does the terminator song and shoots at the boy)

Cop 1: Freeze Fucker!

Cop 2: no one shoots at a kid in my town!

(cops shoots at Red as he spas' again at being shot)

(Intermission Music for Modern Flame War 3)

(after Red kills the last worker)

Blue: I think they were actual technicians

Red: Of Evil.

Security guards: Stop right there!

Red: Augh, not again.

(The security guards shoot trollz0r instead as he spas' by being shot)

Trollz0r: Game over man. (dies)

(Intermission Music for Planet Asshole)

Der: Our species is powered by self-esteem, you are killing us.

(Red and Blue laugh)

Eulb: You two are dicks!

Der: That's it, taste our fury you dicks.

(Der and Eulb shoot lasers at Red and Blue, sending them on fire screaming)

Eulb: Wow, we never thought of that.

Der: Yeah...

(Intermission Music for Brain Switch)

Red: I don't know what your talkin' about, but I'm gonna go find a dragon. (Deep voice) Peace!

(they both get zapped in the head by lightning and turn into ash)

(Intermission Music for Ocho Muerte)

Red: I just have to feed my pet octopus Ocho Muerte

Blue: your pet what?!

(Pink heads towards the bathroom)

Pink: I gotta take a real fast dump. Doo da doo da. Boys can't know that girls go poop... (sees a rotting octopus in the bathroom) EWW!!!

Blue: P-PINK!? (tries to open the door) It's locked!

Red: Oh fuck this. (kicks the door down)

Blue: huh, why didn't I think of that?

(Intermission Music for The Red Devil)

Blue: What did you do!?

Red: Get in the van! We're stealing these burritos!

(The real Red Devil comes through the doors holding shotguns at Red and Blue)

Blue: Whoa! Holy shit!

Diablo Rojo: ¿cómo se atreve suplantar Diablo Rojo! (Translation: how dare impersonate Red Devil)

(Diablo Rojo Fires at them)

(Intermission Music for First Day of Cool)

Bully: It's a new kid, get him!

(Red turns his hat around and jumps in the air but turns out to be a small jump and the other kids come to beat him up)

(back at Wolf's cabin)

Wolf: Yeah that would be pretty stupid.

Red: Yeah, let's just forget about that and do something else.

(Red ends up swallowing a bee and gags)

Red: (auto-tune voice) Oooooh shiii- (suddenly chokes and falls dead)

Wolf: God damn...


Intermission Music

Smosh "If Things Were Real" Music00:09

Smosh "If Things Were Real" Music


  • 1/5 Unicorn Barf!
  • 2/5 It was like Meh.
  • 3/5 I guess it was... pretty good.
  • 4/5 This is like crazy right?

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