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Lass of Keyblades
Keyblade Master Lass
Release your heart's strongest feeling
Air date 05-05-14
Written by Alpha-LoneWolf, YoshiRocker13, Mdkid663, and AndrewBrauer
Directed by Alpha-LoneWolf
Location Kingdom Hearts
Other episodes by the author

Death Battle Arena

Rogue and Personal

 

Summary

Lass wishes to learn how to be a great fighter like Wolf. He takes her to the gaming world of Kingdom Hearts to do so, but she gets more than what he can teach her.

Transcript

Wolf: (painting a picture of different shades of red on a wall in his basement) This will truly be a masterpiece.

(Rapper and Red walk in)

Rapper: Wolf? What the fuck are you doing now?

(Ryle knocks the door)

Wolf: Painting a fucking epic picture of pure awesomeness and could you get that Red?

Red: (looks up at the painting) Whoa, cool.

Jade: (To Ryle) So this is where Wolf lives?

Ryle: Yep.

Jade: (Through the door) Hey Wolf, it's me and Ryle!

Red: Nobody gives a shit!

Rapper: Yeah, what he said.

Wolf: it's a new style of painting I made up. You can just smell the intensity of it.

(Jade and Ryle kick down the front door)

Wolf: Meh, I'll steal another door later.

Ryle: I usually use spray paint for my art styles.

Jade: And I'm guessing the red paint is blood?

Red: What do you mean smell? (Smells and cringes back) Oh shit! It's made of fucking blood!

Jade: (Deadpanned) (To Red and Rapper) And it took you that long to realize that?

Rapper: (smells it also) And that's what I love, the smell of blood every time I kill somebody.

Red: Dude, you're crazy.

Ryle: Did you kill any people to use that paint?

Wolf: lets say school was let out early today.

(Jade rolls her eyes)

Rapper: Niiicce.

Lass: (comes by) Hail Lord Wolf! (hugs him from behind)

Wolf: What's with then Lord title? not thatI'm complaining of course.

Jade: Aw! How cute. Wolf has a little buddy.

Ryle: This is kinda funny.

Wolf: Eat a chainsaw with your vaginas

Jade: Whatever, I actually do find it cute.

Lass: I think you would have made a great clan leader in Scotland so I'm going to call you Lord Wolf.

Wolf: Maybe not great leader, but a fearsome one is more accurate. Can I also be called overlord of the world?

Ryle: You gotta be kidding me.

Lass: No just Lord Wolf you silly.

(Jade smirks)

Wolf: Figures. So what do you want?

Lass: (Shuffles her feet a bit in embarrassment) can you teach me to fight and use magic?

Wolf: Fighting I could do, but magic isn't my specialty

Lass: But I thought you knew everything.

Jade: Where did you hear that?

Lass: Uncle Lad said Wolf could help anyone.

Jade: He kills more than helps, if you want the truth.

Ryle: Same here.

Wolf: I may not teach you magic myself, but I know how you can learn a lot faster without months of lessons

Lass: Really!?

Jade: Are you serious Wolf?

Wolf: When am I not?

(Jade rolls her eyes)

Ryle: Well it won't hurt if she tries.

Lass: (leaps on Wolf's back in a tight hug) Thank you Lord Wolf!

Jade: (Whispers to Ryle) This should be interesting.

Ryle: (thinks to himself) Wait till Foxy sees this.

Rapper: Ho-ho man this is gonna be more interesting than the time I-

Red: Nobody cares! (thinks) This will be COOL!

Jade: So what is this thing your talking about Wolf?

Ryle: Well Wolfman? Train the kids already!

Wolf: (rolls his eyes) Okay enough with the cuteness. To the game room! (plays the 1960s batman transition theme with Wolf's head moving towards the screen then back)

(soon they are in the game room)

Rapper: Wow, Deja Vu

Ryle: Looks cool a bit.

Jade: You have a game room Wolf?

Wolf: Doesn't everyone?

Red: Duuuh! Of course he does! Everybody does.

Jade: Thanks for the suggestions Wolf, I'll remind Jones to do that for our home.

Wolf: (Places his gamer machine device on himself and Lass) I could help you automatically learn magic spells. Of course you won't keep them once you leave the game.

(Ryle thinks and a thought bubble appears of Trollzor with his own game room)

Jade: What are you thinking about Ryle?

Ryle: (thought bubble pops) Nothing.

Lass: But how will that make me learn magic?

Wolf: Once you get the hang of doing it live in the game you will know how to do it in real life when you come back.

Lass: Oh. You're the smartest Wolfy I know.

Wolf: please don't call me that.

(Jade laughs)

(Ryle snickers)

(Rapper snickers and bursts out laughing)

Red: So what game are you going to use Wolf?

Wolf: We are going in the game Kingdom Hearts.

Red: WHAT!?!

Ryle: Kingdom Hearts? Really?

Rapper: (spits out coke) WHAT!?!

Spark: (outside) WHAT!?!

Jade: I'm sorry, why are you all saying "what"?

Ryle: I ain't surprised really.

Blue: (bursts in) Did somebody say KINGDOM HEARTS?!

Wolf: Oh dear God.

Ryle: Yeah, what of it blue guy?

Jade: Ah fuck it, I might as well come.

Rapper: Yeah! Me too.

Red: Dude please let me go! I want to fuck some princess vaginas!

Ryle: (thinks to himself) I guess I'll come.

Blue: Yeah! Can I come too? I love this game!

Jade: This is getting so overcrowded.

Spark: (behind Blue) Same here!

Red: So many people are coming! Who's fucking next?!

Wolf: Red, Spark, and Blue can come, but i don't know about the others since they laughed at me.

Jade: Fine, I'm sorry for laughing at you Wolf, you are obviously superior over all of us.

Rapper: Uhh, yeah I'm sorry man.

Ryle: Ugh, fine sorry. Wait! WHAT!?!

Jade: But shouldn't we let people who can actually fight come, the others may just hold us back.

Rapper: Hey! I can fight as good as most people can!

(Lass gets emotionally hurt because she couldn't fight either and whimpers)

Wolf: Great Jade you made a little girl cry

Red: So your not allowed to come. Tsk, tsk, too bad.

Ryle: (to Wolf) I didn't said you're superior over me!

Wolf: Fine I guess going in the game isn't that important to you then huh Ryle?

Ryle: (growls angrily) Fine.

Jade: Okay, I'll handle this. (To Lass) Look Lass, by the time we're done with all this, you can be able to fight just as good as me, Ryle, and even Rapper. So Lass, you wanna learn how to fight from the best? (Nods to Wolf)

(Lass looks up at Jade and hugs her)

Lass: (Shaky voice) I forgive you.

Jade: Good, now I won't be the only female who can kick ass.

Wolf: Don't worry you guys this machine could take on multiple people at once. the other day I invited a whole military battalion to join in Flame Wars.

Jade: How did that go?

Wolf: It was like a real war and the online players never stood a chance.

Blue: So who's going?

Jade: I know I am.

Wolf: okay so now everyone can come.

Jade: Does Fox know about this?

Wolf: What Fox doesn't know won't hurt.

Red: Who cares! Let's do this shit!

Jade: Well I'm sure she'll be fine with it, just like Jones would be fine with me doing this as well.

Ryle: Guess I can agree with that.

Wolf: ready everyone?

Jade: Yes.

Lass: (hugs Wolf) Ready.

Ryle: Fuck yeah.

Blue: Yes! I'm ready!

Rapper: Yeah!

Red: FUCK YES!

Wolf: okay let's go (just before Wolf turns it on) Oh and you might feel a little uneasiness.

Jade: I don't care.

Blue: Wait what?

(the power turns on and they enter Kingdom hearts but then all tumble on the floor vomiting except Lass and Wolf)

Blue: What the fuck!?

Jade: That was kinda of exciting, and erotic.

Red: (pukes again) Hey I found your car keys again Blue.

Blue: (Picks up the keys from the puke) ew gross.

Jade: (Sarcastic) Thanks Wolf for doing that.

Lass: Can we learn magic now Wolf? (tugs on his hand eagerly)

Wolf: Yeah lets just skip to the hard level enemies and level you up faster.

Ryle: (thinks to himself) He's a much more asshole as I am.

Blue: What level are you?

Jade: How many levels are there?

(Shows Wolf's level with the infinity sign)

Ryle: I'm guessing a lot.

Jade: Typical.

Blue: you god damn cheater!

Wolf: Suck it.

(Jade rolls her eyes)

Rapper: (face palms) Retards.

Spark: I think i like Wolf when he acts serious.

Jade: So what now?

Wolf: I got to help this little magician some new spells

Jade: Well, I've never been in this world, so I wouldn't know what to do.

Wolf: your problem not mine. You could go have sex with a final fantasy character.

Jade: I want to kill, where can I get some weapons?

Wolf: Go to a shop somewhere.

Red: I want to bang some princess ass.

Jade: I would, but first I need to make some cash.

Blue: I want to make a gummy ship

Jade: (Confused) Gummy ship?

Rapper: It's the ship you fly in to travel to different worlds.

Ryle: Me and Sparky are gonna get some keyblades.

Jade: Well, I want a big sword! (Giggles)

(Later Wolf brings Lass to the higher level enemies and quickly levels her up and gets her to choose magic skills. after she reads the tutorials to use each magic)

Blue: Wait, I don't think you can buy those in this game!

Rapper: I want a few weapons here and there. Ya know.

Jade: For sure Rap.

(Jade then finds a broadsword)

Jade: Nice!!

Rapper: Fuck swords. (gets a machine gun) I want superior fire power.

Jade: They really have machine guns here!?

Rapper: who cares.

(Ryle gets a plenty of guns and swords)

Jade: Yeah fuck it. (Gets many katanas and machine guns)

Blue: Where is Red? (shows Red in a princess castle somewhere else fucking one of them) Ah he will be alright.

Jade: i want to kill something!

Rapper: Lets go to the Hercules Colosseum. It's like a fighting arena.

Jade: Alright. (Follows Rapper)

Blue: I'm going to go check on Wolf and Lass.

Ryle: I agree on the other hand with Rap Crap.

Spark: I'm gonna with you Blue.

Jade: Whatever, we'll just be killing and shit.

(Wolf and Lass finish going through spells and Wolf finishes the lessons with combining magic with martial arts)

Wolf: Good thing this game allows you to instantly learn moves that I teach you.

Lass: but I won't be able to do them when we leave.

Wolf: At least you will know how they need to be done without years of training.

Lass: (hugs Wolf) I love you Wolfy

Wolf: I told you not to call me that!

Lass: I still love you.

(Wolf Grumbles)

Blue: (Arrives) There you are you dick!

Wolf: What?

Blue: Why did you pick the hardest place to find you! I could have died along the way if it wasn't for Spark here!

Spark: He's right you know.

Wolf: Well what do you expect from a wuss?

Blue: I would kill you if you weren't at infinity level.

Spark: Same here.

Lass: (pulls on Spark's hand) Watch me Sparky! Watch me! Look at what I can do! (starts doing martial art moves with a combination of magic spells in her strikes) Did you see? did you see Sparky lad?

Wolf: (snickers) Sparky lad?

Spark: Wow, nice one.

Lass: Now I am as great a warrior as Lord Wolf.

Wolf: let's not get too carried away here.

Spark: At least she can defend herself.

Blue: Hey did you see that?

Wolf: What?

Blue: there was a flash in her hand.

(Two flashes sparked out from her hand this time)

Lass: Wha- What's happening to me?

Spark: Did you thought he this?

Spark: (to Wolf) Did you taught her this?

Wolf: Not this thing.

Spark: Then, what's happening!?

(Soon two Celtic design keyblades appeared in Lass' hands)

Wolf: oh shit.

Blue: oh my god

Spark: Holy shiza.

Lass: What are these?

Spark: I think it's your new keyblades.

Lass: what does this mean?

Sora: (Comes by) Hey did you take my keyblades?

Wolf: (Shoots him) it means you're the Keyblade Master.

Spark: (looks at Sora) I think this guy needs a medic, Kairi won't be happy about this at all.

Wolf: Fuck Kairi. I'll shoot her too. Let's find the others

(later at the Colosseum)

Jade: Alright, so when do we start battling?

Rapper: I want to put that silver headed fag in his place.

Jade: Who are you talking about?

Rapper: That Sephiroth guy from final fantasy seven. He thinks he's all top shit. well I'm about to smear his face in top shit.

Jade: I'll join the fight, since we both have bad-ass weapons.

Rapper: Sure, having a killer hot ass chick by my side makes me look good.

(they both begin to fight Sephiroth)

Jade: (Pulls out twin katanas) Time to die Sephiroth)

Sephiroth: I am the chosen one. I will not be defeated!

Rapper: blah, blah, blah, shut your bitch ass up

Jade: (To Rapper) Wanna go first?

Ryle: No way! I will!

Jade: Then get your fucking weapon out Ryle!

Rapper: I want to show this fag who is boss. (Gets out his machine gun and starts shooting up Sephiroth)

(Ryle gets a wide sword and fights Sephiroth in a sword fight)

Sephiroth: Hey you can't use a gun! that's cheating!

(Jade then stabs Sephiroth in the back with her twin katana's)

Rapper Suck on it woman (keeps shooting him)

Jade: Oh yeah! (Use both of the swords to slice Sephiroth's head off)

Ryle: Well, THAT was easy. (pierce his wide sword through Sephiroth's skull)

Jade: That was easy, where's the competition.

(five giant Heartless count out of nowhere surrounding them)

Rapper: what the fuck?

Jade: Now that's what I'm talking about.

Rapper: Wait! (tries to stop her but she attacks one of them)

Jade: (Slices the head off of one of them) What is it Rap?

(The heartless' head grows back)

Rapper: We can't kill these things with our weapons.

Wolf: (Comes in) I think you guys are in need of a Keyblade master.

Jade: Sure, you can join us.

Ryle: That's what I'M thinking of!

Lass: What? b-but i can't. They are to big!

Jade: But you can take them out, you're a higher level than us.

Wolf: come on I taught you my moves you can take this black fag... Sorry Ryle I didn't mean that as a racist remark.

Ryle: (tries to calm calm down) None taken man.

Jade: So Lass, what is this power you have?

Spark: Yeah, just tell us.

Lass: Wolf told me it's the power to fight with magic and martial arts at the same time. He also said now it is even stronger because I am the Keyblade Master.

Jade: Sounds big.

Ryle: (serious) I gotta learn that shit.

Blue: Come on Lass you can do it.

Spark: We believe in you. (looks at Ryle) Well, almost all of us.

Wolf: just feel for the strongest feeling in your heart and let it guide you. Listen to me, i sound sappy saying this.

Jade: Yes, but seriously Lass, do it!

Lass: O-okay. I'll try.

(Lass begins to concentrate and remembers the most strongest feelings she had and what helped her feel like that. Just as the giant heartless were coming to get her, a blast of wind blew from her and she began to glow a pinkish white color and the designs on her Keyblades began to move. Her hair was let loose and blew in the air like silk as she faced the five giant heartless')

Wolf: OH SHIT!

Ryle: (to Wolf impressed) Good thing you thought her all that shit you know, you should teach me that stuff,

Jade: Ryle, don't you have magic powers or some shit like that?

Ryle: It's called ki energy.

Wolf: Ki and rune magic are two different things

Jade: (To Ryle) And you need lessons from Wolf?

Ryle: Well? I said just that, but with the magic shit also.

(Jade crosses her arms)

Ryle: What?

Jade: Nothing, I just didn't expect you to ask for help, especially from Wolf.

Ryle: Well, a little help.

(Jade snickers)

(soon a wide and variety of rare and powerful Keyblades appear behind her like a winged cape)

Wolf: Wow i didn't teach her that.

Spark: It's her strong feelings she had inside.

Jade: Oh nice!

Spark: Wish I have all THIS on video!

Wolf: This gamer machine is recording everything.

Spark: Oh, NICE!

Jade: What now?

Ryle: Just sit and watch, and let the kiddy have all the fun.

Jade: Alright. (Sits with Ryle)

(Lass leaps high in the air and hovers above and slicing through the giant heartless'. She even has powerful lasers shoot though the tips of the keyblades at each one and sends out multiple keyblades out to surround and strike the heartless'. She even shoots out a line of keyblades into a heartless to have them bounce up and rain down on them impaling them to the ground and ending them. Lass then floats back down and goes back to normal but exhausted)

Wolf: (Catches her) Your still alive right?

Lass: Did I win? (passes out and falls asleep)

Jade: She did all our work.

Ryle: Hell yeah she did, but I'm ain't satisfied.

Jade: (Rolls her eyes) Typical.

Rapper: he's just jealous cuz he was out shown by a little girl (laughs)

Jade: (To Ryle) Cause you suck at your own powers? (Giggles)

Ryle: (to Rapper and Jade) We're in a fucking VIDEO GAME, and I'm impressed NOT jealous. Also I don't suck at my own powers.
(to Wolf) You should REALLY teach me that shit.

Wolf: I don't know how to use the Keyblade's power. All I know it takes a strong and courageous heart like Lass. I'm sure your heart isn't even that.

Jade: I can say that's true about Ryle.

Rapper: Actually he would make the perfect heartless. (laughs)

(Jade and Wolf laugh along with Rapper.)

Ryle: (tries to hold his anger) Not funny Rap Crap.

Rapper: Suck it. asshole.

Jade: Anyways, I think we should get back to the real world.

Wolf: Yeah

Blue: I got to say that was the most awesome thing I have seen.

Ryle: I could have heart that coura- WAIT! Why am I acting sappy right now!?

Wolf: Wait has anyone seen Red?

Spark: Yeah?

Jade: He's probably still impregnating all the princesses here.

Ryle: Same here.

(At Mickeys Castle it shows it turned into a party house with all the princesses as strippers and Disney characters as Red's servants)

Red: I am God (laughs)

END

COMMENT YOUR POLL VOTE

  • 1/5 Unicorn Barf!
  • 2/5 It was like Meh.
  • 3/5 I guess it was... pretty good.
  • 4/5 This is like crazy right?
  • 5/5 CUZ I'M AWESOME

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