Today is the day your days…are... COUNTED!
|Other episodes by the author|
Sailing Out To Death
Le Box, the hit new citizen, has finally come to town, and Red, Blue, and a huge army of some of their friends and other random people want the newcomer to GET OUTTA TOWN!!
(Red is shown at a ticket booth with his body twitching in anger. He is glaring down at the booth owner.)
Maroon Ticket Booth Owner: I’m sorry, sir, but I’m afraid all of the tickets for “Flame War Over 9000: The Movie” are sold out.
Red: What do you mean “sold out”?! If I don’t see this movie on the day it comes out, I swear I will somehow turn my dick into a knife and shove it up your ass.
(Blue and Lord Tourettes are shown behind Red.)
Blue: (coughs) Did we really need to hear that? (coughs)
Maroon Ticket Booth Owner: Sorry, but all 200 tickets have been sold to someone who is inviting all of his friends to the theater to watch the movie.
Red: What kind of bastard would have over 100 friends?!
(Suddenly, a big square box floats towards the ticket booth. On a label across the front of the box, the words say “Le Box” in a sloppy handwriting.)
Maroon: Hey, Le Box. Let me guess. You’re here to pick up the tickets you requested on the phone yesterday, aren’t you?
(Le Box moves up and down)
Maroon: Alright. (picks up the tickets) Here you go.
(Le Box opens up his flaps so that the Maroon Ticket Booth Owner could put the tickets in there.)
Maroon: (after Le Box closes his flaps) Have a nice day.
(Le Box turns around and floats away. Red, Blue, and Lord Tourettes stare at Le Box after it is off-screen.)
Red: What…the fuck…just happened?
Blue: What was that?
Maroon: That was Le Box. He just moved into the city not too long ago, and he is, like, the best box to ever exist in the universe.
Blue: How can a box be a big hit? (slams fist onto the booth) It’s an inanimate object!
Maroon: Well, Le Box is animate.
Red: That’s it! As of today, World War III has begun. (pulls Blue closer to him) The only enemy of this war, (points at the direction Le Box exited) is that FUCKING BOX! If we could get more men to join our army, (Blue shows a face of anger as Red speaks) we could destroy that asshole once and for all. And THEN, and only THEN, (grows unenthusiastic) will I stop hearing game and movie titles with the word “Flame” in them.
Blue: Yeah! Let’s fuck the shit out of that…that…thing!
Lord Tourettes: (somewhat bored) It’s just a SHITTY box.
Red: (deep voice) That’s why it needs to be terminated.
Lord Tourettes: (worried) No. I mean if it’s just a DICK, then why would you even bother harming it? (places a hand on Blue’s shoulder) It’s not like the BASTARD is going to ruin your lives.
Red: (glares at them)…You know what I think, Lord T.? Blue, do you know what I think?
Blue: No. What do you think?
Red: I think (points at Lord Tourettes) that I don’t give a shit about what YOU think!
(Red grabs Blue’s arm and floats away, dragging Blue with him as Lord Tourettes eyes start to tear up.)
(Time lapse. The raccoon is shown asleep on a black and white cloth on the ground. Then almost muted pop music starts to playing, waking up Raccoon. Raccoon looks at a bunch of forest trees, where colored lights are flashing on and off.)
Raccoon: What the?
(Raccoon rushes over there to see Le Box sitting quietly in the center of a crowd of partying forest animals. After seeing this, Raccoon walks back into the bushes.)
Raccoon: (close up of his face) Le Box. I should’ve known.
(Red pops out of the bushes and hands Raccoon his samurai sword.)
Red: Here, take this, (Raccoon takes the sword) and join the war.
Raccoon: (deep voice) Roger.
Red: Good, but don’t call me “Roger”.
(Time lapse. Trollz0r and the Fat “Videogame Addicted” Guy (Orange) are playing World of Warcraft on laptops in Orange’s basement. Both of their World of Warcraft characters are shown getting squished by a giant box with a small wizard hat.)
Trollz0r: FFFFFUUUUUU—! Who is this “A-hole”?!
(Text appears on their screens.)
Orange: (reads text) You and your partner have been killed by Player: “L3 B0X”. HAHAHAHA, you guys suck. (stops reading)
(Blue comes into the room and hands them shotguns.)
Blue: Join the war!
Trollz0r: (takes shotgun while doing the Challenge Accepted face) With pleasure.
Orange: Aww, come on. Don’t you have a wizard wand or something?
Blue: This isn’t World of Warcraft….this…is…REALITY!
Orange: (frightened) What the?! (points at Blue) What is wrong with you?!
(Time lapse. A crowd of women run towards Le Box while fangirl screaming.)
Lavender Girl: Oh my, God! It’s Le Box!
Light Red Girl: The most handsome and awesome box in the entire city.
Salmon Pink Girl from Pleasure Cruise: (angry at the Light Red girl) Are you crazy?! He’s the most handsome, awesome, AND ADORABLE box in the entire universe!
Gray Girl: (British accent) That incredibly amazing box!
(All of the girls continue to obsess over Le Box. Then next to the crowd it shows the Light Blue man and Tangerine man from Butt Genie glaring at the crowd.)
Light Blue Man: Sheesh, what is up with girls these days?
Tangerine Man: I know, right? They’re fangirling over an inanimate object.
(Red and Blue emerge from the ground while Blue plays a flute and Red wiggles his body around.)
Red: ♪Na na na na, na, na, na~♪ (hands Light Blue and Tangerine two scythes) Join the war.
(Light Blue and Tangerine stare at them with confused looks.)
(Time lapse. Red and Blue’s large army are marching pass multiple buildings.)
Army: Destroy the box! Destroy the box! Destroy the box!
(As they continue marching and chanting, there is an exterior shot of them passing a café where three people are watching them at one of the outdoor tables.)
Red: Alright! We’re almost there! Remember, there’s a hundred of us and one of them.
(They continue marching and chanting until they’re off-screen. Then it shows a close up of the three people sitting at the outdoor table, revealing that it was just Broseph, Lord Tourettes, and Earl Grey.)
Broseph: (watching the army) What is everyone getting so worked up about? (turns to Lord Tourettes and Earl Grey) It’s just a box.
Lord Tourettes: That’s exactly what I DAMNED to them earlier today. (rolls his eyes) Red and Blue these days…
Broseph: (rolls his eyes as well) Yeah. Those bros these days…
Earl Grey: Is there ever a time where you do not refer to anyone as a dude, bro, lady, etc.? (takes a sip of his tea)
Broseph: Only when they do something that would piss me off.
(A gun bullet then comes out of nowhere and leaves a hole in the candle at the center of the table, leaving the three unharmed, but startled. A waitress from inside the café runs over to the window to see what happened.)
Broseph: (turns to the army) What the hell, Red!
Red: (off-screen) Damn it! I missed!
(Red, still off-screen, shoots three more at them, but two of the bullets end up hitting other objects. The third one ended up breaking the window glass and killing the waitress.)
Blue: (off-screen) Hey Lord Tourettes! Beware of that British bastard there! He hates everything colorful and cuddly!
Earl Grey: (somewhat pissed) I'm taking a (smashes tea cup against the table) BREAK today, you IDIOT!
(Time lapse. The army finally reaches Le Box.)
Red: (to Le Box) Alright, motherfucker. Today is the day your days…are…(after a long pause of thinking) COUNTED!
(Shows Le Box just sitting there, but there are subtitles below him that read: Bring it on. The army then charges at him.)
Red and Blue: Prepare to d—
(THREE HOURS LATER)
(Red and Blue are shown in the hospital all bandaged up. A moss green nurse opens the door.)
Nurse: (masculine voice) Gentlemen, you have visitors.
(Stacy, Pink, Broseph, and Lord Tourettes enter the room. Pink rushes over and places a hand on Blue’s shoulder.)
Pink: Blue, oh my, God! Are you okay?
Stacy: (walks over to Red’s bed) Holy shnizzles! That box beated the shit outta ya. And it didn’t even move.
Broseph: (takes a seat next to Red’s bed with his hands behind his head) It’s always the one you would least expect to win, dudette.
Nurse: Mr. Red and Blue, I also want to tell you that the doctor will be here any second. (leaves the room)
Red: (groans) Why is it always the dude being the doctor?
Nurse: (off-screen) Here he is.
(At the door, there is a dramatic close up of Le Box with a stethoscope on top of him. Red and Blue's visitors start looking at the two hospital patients with worry. Red and Blue’s eyes then start to twitch.)
(After the credits, Red and Blue scream off-screen.)