|Le Chat Noir|
|Air date||May 12, 2013|
|Other episodes by the author|
When Broseph meets a cat who quickly grows attached to him, he tries his best to get rid of it. Friendly reminder that he is dealing with a black cat.
Meanwhile, Red and Blue try to hide a broken piano.
(A black cat is shown sneaking into someone’s backyard. It walks across the garden, investigating certain plants on one side of it, while on the other side of the garden, vegetables begin to have smoke arise from them and burst into flames due to the sunlight.)
(As the vegetables explode, the cat picks up a patch of Lemongrass with its teeth and proceeds to munch on it, but the barking of a dog interrupts its meal. The cat drops the Lemongrass and runs away from the garden, dodging the rifle bullet that was about to kill it. The cat reaches the fence of the backyard and climbs over it. When it was off-screen, a bulldog runs to the fence and continues to bark. A young woman walks up to it and yells out to the cat.)
Woman: Stay the fuck away from my home! I’m telling ya for the last time!
(The cat ignores her and continues running until it reaches the gym. It then calms down and walks into a dark alley right next to the building, where it usually made itself at home. It peacefully lies down on a big, dirty rag near a trash can and tries to go to sleep, but it hears its stomach growl. The cat lets out an annoyed meow.)
(Suddenly, the back entrance doors to the gym open (much to the cat's surprise) and Broseph is thrown out. A muscular guy angrily opens a bag full of weights while Auburn is seen peeking out from the side of the door.)
Broseph: (irritated) Okay! Go ahead and kick me out. (stands up) But I know for a fact that you will, and I mean WILL, beg me to come back here, or my name isn’t Brosep— (the muscular guy throws a dumb-bell at him, causing Broseph to get a black eye) …Brose— (another weight is thrown, this time leaving a bruise on his forehead) …Bro—
(Another one is thrown and he gets a bloody nose. Broseph pauses for a moment as he holds in the blood.)
Broseph: …(speaking real fast) Broseph! (a beer bottle is thrown at him and it shatters into pieces, which makes him kneel down in pain) Oh God! My face!
(The guy slams the doors close, but Auburn opens it a little.)
Auburn: Sorry, but I will admit, you shouldn’t have said that about the coach’s wife, (whispers) even if she is quite large. (closes the door)
(The cat watches as Broseph coughs up blood, but it then hears someone walking from the entrance of the alley and hides behind the trash can.)
Maroon: Well, well, well, look what we have here. It’s “Gel Boy”!
Broseph: (whispers) …Fuck! (holds his nose) What do you want, Maroon?
Maroon: (laughs) I’m just here to watch you fail at life as always. And I’m not surprised you got kicked out of that gym. (rubs his hands together) Now I’ll just have to wait for you to get fired from your manager job at License to Drill and everything will be perfect!
Broseph: You’re just saying that because I fired you from your job as the cashier, aren't you?
Maroon: Oh no, not because of that. I get fired all the time. (slowly wraps an arm around his neck and whispers into Broseph’s ear) Just to watch your misery take over your helpless, weak, body. (Broseph growls and Maroon punches him, causing him to fall to the ground) (laughs) Well then, I’ll be on my merry way. See ya, jackass! (enters the gym) Yo yo! The brave knight Maroon is in the mothafuckin’ house!
(The doors close once more, and Broseph sighs as he looks down at the ground, only to see the black cat licking his blood off the ground.)
Broseph: Hey! (kneels down and shoves the cat’s face away from the blood) Shoo! Go away.
(The cat sneaks underneath his hand and jumps up onto his head, resting itself there.)
Broseph: Oh come on! Not the hair! (groans) Okay. (talks to himself) You can handle this, Broseph. You can deal with this thing later. But first, I'm gonna have to get my face fixed.
(The cat rubs his head in Broseph’s hair and purrs loudly. Broseph glares at it.)
(Time lapse. There is a purple girl waiting at the bus stop. Broseph peeks at her from a bush and sets the cat down on a rock.)
Broseph: Okay. I am just gonna go (does the quotation gesture with his hands) “pass-out” next to that hottie over there. For two reasons. One, to get these cuts treated. And more importantly, two, sympathy for an injured dude lying hopelessly on the ground always leads to love at first sight. So, see ya later, cat. I’ll be back in, like, a day or two.
(At the bus stop, the girl is now waiting more impatiently. Broseph runs up to her and suddenly pretends to trip. He moans in pain as the woman notices him and kneels down to lend him a hand.)
Purple Girl: Oh my God! Sir, are you alright?!
Broseph: Of course not! I can’t feel my arms and legs! (continues to cry out in pain)
Purple Girl: O-Oh! (looks around) Uhh…uhh… (takes her phone out of her purse) D-Don’t worry! I-I’ll call the hospital.
(To their surprise, the cat walks up to them and meows. Suddenly, pimples appear on the girl’s face and she starts to make chocking noises.)
Purple Girl: (sounding out of breath) I-I’m allergic t-to cats.
(She coughs a couple times and passes out. An ambulance than stops right next to them and a couple men walk out with a stretcher. They put the girl on it and go back into the ambulance with her and drive off, leaving Broseph and the cat behind. Broseph glares at the cat again.)
Broseph: Okayyy…you were alright at first, but now you are really—
(A piano suddenly falls on Broseph, crushing his entire body. From up above, Red and Blue are seen on top of their apartment building.)
Red: (sighs with relief) Finally! Now Dingleberry will stop playing that unicorn barf music.
Blue: (freaking out) Dude! That was his favorite piano in all his life! If he finds out it’s been destroyed, he’s gonna kill us.
Red: The piano is not even at his place anymore. How can he find out?
Blue: Well, it’s right outside the fucking building, dumbass! He may be old, but he could easily notice it there.
Red: (thinking while rubbing his chin) Hmm…
(TWENTY FOUR HOURS LATER)
(The piano is gone and Broseph slowly gets up. He opens his eyes and the cat is still there. The cat meows again.)
(Time lapse. Darla is having a cup of tea near the entrance to the park. Broseph walks up to her with the cat on his head again. She noticed him and more importantly the wounds on his face.)
Darla: Oh my goodness! Broseph, what in the world happened?!
Broseph: I’ll tell you what happened! I get kicked out of the gym, Maroon bothered me again, I try to get some chick to help me, she ends up in the hospital instead, and a piano falls on me and almost breaks my leg.
Darla: Well no wonder. (points to the cat) That is a black cat you have on your head. Haven’t you heard they supposedly cause bad luck?!
Broseph: HA! Bad luck my ASS! I got kicked out before I even met this little shit. You think you could bring this thing back with you to your tent so that it’s finally out of my hands?
Darla: Sorry, darling. My tent is full of too many fragile things.
Broseph: Fragile? Like what?
Darla: Uhh… (looks around)…(points at her teapot) Tea set?
Broseph: (groans in frustration and walks off) You are so useless…
Darla: Yeah. Yeah, whatever. (grins sinisterly) And just to let you know, Broseph, Friday the 13th is in two days.
Broseph: (off-screen) I don’t care!
(Suddenly, Darla’s teapot explodes and the hot liquid is sprayed all over her, even into her eyes.)
Darla: (screams) What the bloody hell?!
(At a hill in the middle of nowhere, there is a windmill on fire. Broseph runs up the side of it and sets the cat down there.)
Broseph: (starts quickly backing away) Okay… I’m just gonna go over here now so that I feel less hot.
(A piece of the windmill starts to fall off right above the cat.)
Broseph: (whispers) Sayonara, pussy.
(Instead of the piece falling off, the entire windmill explodes. After recovering from the force of wind, Broseph now only sees a huge cloud of ashes.)
Broseph: (laughs maniacally) Oh, finally! (continues laughing, but stops to look right above him) What the…?!
(The falling piece from earlier was heading towards him. Seconds later, after the piece crushes him, the cat, covered in ashes, walks up to his crushed body and meows. It sees blood on the ground and licks it.)
(Red and Blue have reached the top of the hill, carrying Mr. Dingleberry’s destroyed piano. Red is shocked to see the windmill burned down.)
Red: Goddammit! Why do all my places for hiding things get burned?
Blue: I told you this wouldn’t work. Yesterday’s paper said that windmill was gonna get burned down anyway because it was just there. No one ever used it.
Red: You don’t understand! That was where I kept my secret porn stash!
Blue: What? I thought your porn stash was somewhere in our apart—
Red: That was only half of it; I kept the other half he— Holy shit! (worried) Did I leave my pictures of Stacy’s boobs and pussy here?! (runs to the wreckage, leaving Blue behind with the piano) Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck!
(ANOTHER TWENTY FOUR HOURS LATER)
(The piece of the windmill is gone and Broseph wakes up with parts of his hair singed. He sees the cat next to him and glares at it, this time with a more homicidal look.)
(Time lapse. Broseph enters a veterinarian dressed in a cloak and hood while holding the cat, with the hood hiding his face. He walks up to the nurse’s desk, pretending to cry.)
Nurse: (playing with a yo-yo, looking real bored) Let me guess. You wanna put your cat down?
(Broseph nods while sniffling)
Nurse: Alright. (points to a room) Go wait in that room over there. The doctor will be there in a few.
(Broseph enters the room and after the door closes, he stops sobbing and starts to laugh again. He sets the cat down on the table and takes off his hood.)
Broseph: Well, kitty, I believe this is where we part. Now if I ever tell the doctors that I will miss you, (closes his eyes for a moment) please note that’ll always be a complete li— (opens his eyes, but sees that the cat isn’t there) What the? (looks around) Where did you— (notices an open window above the table)
(Broseph looks out the window to see the cat running towards the park. Broseph facepalms himself, takes off his cloak, and climbs out the window to go after it.)
(As soon as he is gone, the vet enters the room.)
Vet: Hey. I heard there is a cat that needs to be put dow—… (leaves the room with an irritated look) Nurse Boredashell, is this some kind of joke?
(At the park, Pink is walking down the sidewalk, listening to her iPod with ear buds on. She suddenly halts as the cat crosses the path right in front of her. She watches it run until it is off-screen. She shrugs and continues her walk, but as soon as she takes another step, the ground collapses and leaves a huge hole in the path. Pink screams as she falls all the way down, possibly to her death.)
Broseph: (jumps over the hole and continues to run) GET BACK HERE!
(The cat climbs up a tree and sits on a branch. Broseph climbs after it.)
Broseph: (laughs insanely) First, the girl with allergies, then, the stupid windmill, then, Blueballs’ hot girlfriend!
(The cat notices the branch starting to break behind Broseph. He meows at him with a worried face.)
Broseph: Oh no! Your cuteness is not gonna work on me.
(The branch is about to fully break and the cat tries to use its paw to point behind Broseph.)
Broseph: (laughs once more) Goodbye Kitty!
(Lord Tourettes is seen at the base of the tree.)
Lord Tourettes: Oh goodness! You need to take a FUCKING chill pill.
(The branch breaks off-screen and Broseph screams as he falls all the way down, causing him to lean forward and a small branch right above the cat jabs him in the forehead as soon as the branch hits the ground.)
Lord Tourettes: Welp, ta ta! (laughs and frolics away)
Cat: Rroawr. (Translation: I warned ya.)
(SCREW THE TRANSITION. YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW MANY HOURS HAVE PAST NOW.)
(Broseph is sitting on the sidewalk with the cat licking blood off the ground again. They look at each other before the cat nuzzles against him.)
Broseph: You know what? …I’m not even gonna try anymore. Like the bitch-witch said, it’s Friday the 13th, and if I have to gain another facial injury—
Woman: Uhh, hey Grey.
Broseph: (turns around to see Wednesday and gets up) Oh my fucking God, yes! You’ve gotta help me, Wed—
Wednesday: (noticing his injuries) Oh God! What happened to your face and hair?
Broseph: I’ll explain later, but just to be clear, you like cats, right?
Wednesday: Yeah. They’re cute, I guess.
Broseph: And you like black things right?
Broseph: (picks up the cat) Look! It’s a black cat. (laughs) You like black cats, don’t ya?! (eyes twitch)
Wednesday: Grey, are you okay? You look like you’re about to go crazy.
Broseph: CRAZY?! WHO’S CRAZY?! I’M NOT FUCKING CRAZY! (shoves the cat in her face) Can’t you please just take this little shit?!
Wednesday: (thinks) Hmm…
(She imagines what Lord Tourettes would do if he met the cat.)
Lord Tourettes: (holding the cat) Why, you’re so cute, I could SQUEEZE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!
(As he says this, he hugs the cat real tight until its head pops right off. Wednesday’s thought stops and she has a very disturbed look on her face.)
Wednesday: (looks at Broseph, then looks at the cat) …No! (runs away)
Broseph: What?! Why?
Wednesday: (off-screen) Trust me. It’s for its own good.
Broseph: Its own good?! I’m the one suffering here! (lets out a frustrated groan and walks off)
(As he walks, Wednesday is running across the crossroad. She is almost on the other side of the street when a car runs over one of her legs, which immediately comes right off, causing Wednesday to fall and accidentally drop her wallet.)
Wednesday: Ah! No! (watches as the wallet drops into a sewer hole) (eyes turn red) FUCK!
(Time lapse. Broseph is still walking while holding the cat.)
Broseph: I’ve gotta get rid of this guy, I just can’t try to kill it…
(He thinks until he sees Red and Blue, still carrying the piano.)
Red: Do we really need to bring it back to him? We could easily hide this huge piece of crap somewhere in Mexico or something.
Blue: Enough is enough, Red. We’re taking this back to Mr. Dingleberry and we’re telling him that you destroyed it.
Red: Why do we have to say I destroyed it?
(Broseph grins as he thinks he finally found the solution to his problem.)
Broseph: (runs up to them) Yo, dudes! What is up?
(Red and Blue stop to look at him.)
Red: (notices his wounds) Wow. Just when I thought you couldn’t look anymore ugly…
Broseph: What? (points to his face) These? Ha! These don't even sting. I got these when I fought some creep and, of course, he was no match for me and my muscles. Not to mention I saved a bunch of strippers that guy held captive.
Blue: Ugh, what do you want? My arms are starting to break.
Broseph: Okay. Look, I know we bros have had some difficulties in the past.
Red: NO SHIT!
Broseph: But, would you guys kill me if I had a cute little kitty cat in my arms? (shows the cat to them as it meows curiously)
Red: (inspects the cat) Hmm… Where is this going?
Broseph: How about this. If you get this guy off my hands, I promise I’ll not to bother ya for a month.
(The cat looks behind Red to see Blue looking back at it, trying to keep the piano from falling. After a moment, the cat suddenly hisses and attacks Blue’s face, causing him to drop his side of the piano and run while the cat is scratching at his face. Red glares at Broseph before he pushes his side of the piano upward, causing the instrument to flip over.)
Broseph: (nervous) So, ha ha…we got a deal, man?
(From Broseph’s point of view, Red punches him in the face real hard. Back in third person view, Broseph falls to the ground, but surprisingly back at the back entrance of the gym. He looks up to see Maroon laughing.)
Maroon: Well then, I’ll be on my merry way. See ya, jackass!
Broseph: (gets up) What the hell…?
Maroon: (about to open the door) Hmm?
Broseph: (confused) How did I end up here?
Maroon: Whazzup with you? Did I give ya amnesia? (excited) Alright! (whispers) Maybe if I tell him fake stuff about him, he’ll be less annoying.
Broseph: I was sure that… Uhh…
(A meow is heard off-screen and they both look down to see the black cat. It begins to lick up blood off the ground.)
Broseph: Great; this bitch again.
Maroon: You know this cat? Wow. Looks like you finally found a friend who actually wants to hang out with you.
Broseph: He's not my friend. I've been dying three days in a row thanks to this pipsqueak.
Maroon: Welp, (about to enter the gym) not my problem.
(The cat suddenly leaps up and attacks Maroon’s face. He runs away screaming, leaving Broseph alone. Broseph goes back to wondering how he got back to the gym.)
Broseph: Did Red-bro send me back in time? If so, then he sure knows time travel better than the bitch-witch.
(He starts to walk out of the alley when he notices the dirty rag near the trash can. Sewn into the cloth is a name in cursive writing. Broseph kneels down.)
Broseph: Hmph. (reads the name) Fresko, huh? I guess the guy did have a name after all. But why would he be living here if clearly someone must’ve gave him a name?
(He thinks for a moment before standing up and running out of the alley.)
Broseph: (looks around) Maroon? …Maroon, where the fuck are you?!
(Somewhere in the city, Maroon finally gets the cat off of his face.)
Maroon: Look, man! I’ll forgive ya for not messing with the hair, but what was that shit all about?
(He sees the woman from the beginning with her rifle. The cat again grows worried.)
Maroon: Can I help you?
Woman: Actually, yes. I see you found the little thief that has been taking stuff from my garden.
Maroon: What? The cat?
Woman: Yes; and I also see that he has been trying to eat your face judging by your scratches.
Maroon: Well, I wouldn’t say eat, but yeah. This fucker was tearing at my beautiful face, alright.
Woman: How ‘bout this. You let me kill that bitch, and I’ll make you watch my garden and kill any critter that tries to take anything.
Maroon: Really? (the cat lets out a frightened meow) Sweet! (holds out the cat so she can shoot it) I’ve always wanted to have another security guard job.
(She is just about to shoot the terrified cat, when suddenly, someone gets in front of her and kicks her on the chin, causing her to fall back and lay unconscious.)
Maroon: (looks at the woman on the ground) What the hell?!
(The person, revealed to be Broseph, turns around, glaring at Maroon. Maroon takes a couple steps back before Broseph punches him in the face, making Maroon drop the cat and stagger into the street.)
Maroon: Ow! What the fuck, ma— (is run over by a car)
(Inside the car)
Blue: (wakes up from his nap) Huh? (looks at Red, who is driving) Red, where the hell are we going?
Red: No time to explain. (close up of his face) (deep voice) I’ve got music business to take care of.
(Back on the sidewalk, Broseph is sitting with Fresko.)
Broseph: You know? You may be the cause of my deaths for the next three days…
(Fresko meows curiously.)
Broseph: But for attacking Maroon… (smiles) I suppose this time I’ll give you a freebie.
(Fresko gets on his lap and purrs.)
(A light blue girl walking down the sidewalk notices the two.)
Girl: Oh my God! That is a cute cat. Is he yours?
Broseph: (eyes widen) …Uhh—
- This is Fresko's debut episode.
- "Le Chat Noir" is French for "The Black Cat".
- Maroon calling Broseph "Gel Boy" is a reference to the superhero name Broseph gave himself at the end of BatWoman.
- However, Maroon only called him that just to mock him.