|Location||Ball Busters and Alice's apartment|
|Other episodes by the author|
I Am The Man
Thomas needs a great present for his parent's wedding anniversary in an attempt to bring them back together, but he must deal with his sister Hannah getting in the way of his plans. Emma changes her hair. Molly meets some of Veronica's relatives.
- Adult Content
- Adult Language
- Hannah (Semi-Antagonist)
- Sarah Connors
- Chad Cop
- Bitchess (Mentioned)
On a Friday
(Opens with Molly and Alice sitting on their couch, hitting a pink balloon with tennis rackets)
Alice: You know what's a stupid word?
Alice: I know, it's just a word a creeper uses to describe something wet.
Molly: Just say wet you idiot. (Hits the balloon hard enough to bop)
Alice: (Slightly surprised) Well now I'm bored.
Molly: Me too. (Puts tennis racket on the ground, as Thomas walks in)
Thomas: Hey ladies, you know women right?
Alice: Well we are women so that kinda of gives it away.
Thomas: I need to get something for my parent's wedding anniversary.
Molly: Why can't they get they're own presents?
Thomas: Because they're divorced.
Alice: (Confused) So why are you getting presents for them then?
Thomas: Well it's something me and my sister are doing in an attempt to get them back together.
Molly: Your sister?
Thomas: Yeah, I have a sister named Hannah, didn't I introduce her to you guys?
Molly & Alice: No.
Thomas: Well, now you kinda of know her.
Alice: Okay so why is this so important to you then?
Thomas: Because me and Hannah are competitive about everything, who stares the longest, eats the most, sleeps the longest, hold pee the longest.
Alice: So your family is competitive then?
Molly: I know what the hardest competition would be, who divorced who first.
(Thomas and Alice don't laugh)
Molly: (Awkwardly) Sorry, I thought that would be funny.
Thomas: So do you have any suggestions?
Alice: How about a ring, you know so that they can get married again?
Thomas: Nah. Too cheesy.
Molly: I wouldn't know since my parents are, well, let's just say out of the picture.
(Emma storms inside)
Emma: Hey ladies, and Thomas.
Molly: What's up?
Emma: I need some help.
Alice: With what?
Emma: My hair, I walked into this girl who looks like me, except she was this total Bitch, and with have the same exact hair.
Alice: I can change up your hair.
Emma: Great, give me like a new hairstyle, like something original and new, I haven't changed my hair since high school, and that was because back then I had pigtails and was fat as well.
Molly: (Gets up) Well ladies, as much as I would love to give makeovers and do each others hair, I have plans today with Veronica.
Thomas: (In his head) Well that's fucking great to hear.
Molly: Today I'm meeting some of her relatives.
Alice: Really, that's a huge step, that means she trusts you to be with her family.
Emma: Most guys I go out with can't even trust me to be with their apartment keys, so that proves that I'm not the most trustworthy person.
Molly: (Feels slightly nervous) Well great advice Emma.
Alice: Don't worry Mol, just be yourself, but don't overdue, like if you drink too much you may end saying something that will go down in history as the 'Awkward line'.
Molly: (Gulps) Okay, thanks.
(Molly goes out the front door and leaves)
Thomas: Well I got to find something great for my parents so you two, (Points at Alice and Emma) enjoy your little girl time.
Alice & Emma: We well.
(Thomas walks out the front door)
Alice: So Emma, how do you want your hair done?
Emma: Oh, well I don't know much hairstyles.
(Cuts to Hannah looking in a record store with, Thomas walks in and approaches Hannah)
Thomas: (From Behind Hannah) Looking for something cheap sis?
Hannah: (Turns around) It'll probably be better than what you plan on getting mom and dad.
Thomas: And a record store is your best option.
Hannah: You know how Mom is old fashioned and Dad loves classic rock, the two just go together.
Thomas: Really? Okay, what's their favorite band?
Hannah: (Looks confused for a second) Uh… Kiss?
Thomas: Not even close.
Thomas: Well good luck with your song searching, because I'm going to find mom and dad something that will bring the two back together.
Hannah: Not before my searching leads me to something better.
(Cuts to Alice brushing Emma's hair on Alice's couch)
Emma: What's a good hairstyle?
Alice: (Brushing Emma's hair) Maybe I can give you my hairstyle.
Emma: I don't know, seems too desperate.
Alice: Well, what should you describe to me what style you want?
Emma: I think it would be cool to have some bangs hanging out around my eyes and the back of my hair to be a little longer than it looks.
Alice: Okay. (Pulls out the back of Emma's hair and it turns out to be long hair) This is going to take some work.
(Cuts to Thomas looking behind the bar, with Simon and Michael approaching Thomas)
Simon: (To Thomas) Looking to make a martini buddy?
Thomas: (Gets Up) I'm running out of options for what to get my parents for their wedding anniversary.
Michael: (To Thomas) Why is this so important to you?
Thomas: Because me and my sister Hannah fight about everything and anything.
Simon: I got an idea!
Thomas: I don't think a twelve pack of beer and a stripper will help this situation.
Simon: Probably not, but it would certainly help my situation.
Thomas: (To Simon) What situation?
Simon: Any, that's the point.
Michael: How about a beautiful ring?
Thomas: Okay why does everyone keeping saying that?
(Suddenly Hannah approaches them)
Hannah: Because it's that obvious. (Pulls out a shiny diamond ring)
Thomas: Hannah you bitch!
Simon & Michael: Hannah?
Thomas: Oh right, you guys didn't meet Hannah, she's that stupid sister of mine who thinks she's better than me.
(Simon & Michael nod)
Hannah: That's because I am, this ring will bring the two back together, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Thomas: Really? (He then flicks Hannah's forehead and takes the ring without her noticing) What now?
Hannah: Nuts! (Kicks Thomas's crotch and takes the ring from him)
Thomas: (Tackles Hannah) Give it back!
Michael: (To Simon) What should we do?
Simon: (Thinks for a few seconds) I'll get some popcorn.
Michael: I was just thinking that.
(Cuts to Molly and Veronica entering a restaurant)
Molly: So your brothers visit here whenever they come to the states to see you?
Veronica: Yeah, they always love the steak here, plus it's within their price range.
Molly: And I'm guessing you come from a family of cheapskates?
Veronica: Cheapskates isn't the first word to describe them.
(Right when Molly and Veronica sit at their table, a bright yellow fat man and a skinny orange man with a beard comes in)
Orange Man: Veronica!
Yellow Man: Little sister!
Veronica: Hey, my lovely older brothers! (Hugs both of them) Molly these are my brothers.
Molly: (Nervous) Oh hello.
Orange Man: I'm John.
Yellow Man: And I'm Joseph.
Veronica: They always protected me from everything, whether it was boys, clothes, or porn.
John: Well we made sure we had porn for that special time.
Joseph: Which was every time!
(John, Joseph, and Veronica laugh while Molly kinda of laughs, they all sit down at the table)
Molly: So what should we get?
John & Joseph: Steak!
Veronica: (To Molly) Now you wonder why they love to come here.
(Cuts to Alice using a curling iron on Emma's hair)
Emma: Do you think Chad Cop will like this?
Alice: Is this why you want to do this?
Emma: No, because I don't want to look like a bitchess.
Emma: This is good, besides you can take a break from your crazy behavior.
Alice: Crazy behavior?
Emma: Yeah, I mean I can be crazy, but that's because I smoke crack, which reminds me. (Pulls out a crack stem and proceeds to smoke it)
Alice: You know what. (Takes the crack pipe away from Emma) Why don't you do your whole crack-thing later and finish your hair.
Alice: (Using curling iron on Emma) So you think I'm crazy just because of Simon going out with Sarah Connors?
Emma: No, I mean Sarah has all the qualities of a typical whore, it's because you still love Simon.
Alice: (Pauses for a few seconds) That I don't know about, maybe it's because everyone is just searching for that special someone, You and Chad Cop, Simon and Sarah, Molly and Veronica, even Thomas going after Molly. It's crazy, I feel left out.
Emma: Maybe you just miss all the crazy from him, my brother me be a sick son of a bitch sometimes, but deep down that disgusting body of his, there's a hint of some heart.
Alice: (Pauses for a second) But what if he doesn't feel the same way, is it just because of me?
Emma: I don't know, but this sappy talk is taking my time, what do you think I should do to impress Chad Cop?
Alice: What do you mean?
Emma: We've been going out for a couple weeks and I kinda of want to spice up our relationship.
Alice: Emma it's been a couple weeks your not a married couple.
Emma: I know, but that hat makes him so mysterious, I kinda of want to get into that sexy mind of his.
Alice: Look, I don't know. (Talks in her head) Wait, this could give me an idea for Sarah Connors. (To Emma) Why not surprise him.
Emma: What do you mean?
Alice: This new hairstyle can be part of the full package, get some lingerie and perfume, also have a rose in your mouth and just surprise him at his front door, but don't tell him, it's best to keep it unknown.
Emma: Your right, I'm known for being unpredictable, thanks Alice.
(Emma gets up and looks at her new hairstyle, which is slightly longer hair with hair coming out from the sides of her head)
Emma: Oh wow! I look sexy. I better go get something uncomfortable to give that cop a long stick in his pants.
(Emma goes out the front door, as it cuts to Thomas and Molly wrestling each other over the ring, with the score Thomas versus Hannah playing in the background)
Simon: (While eating popcorn) How long have those two been fighting?
Michael: (To Simon) Almost a whole hour.
Thomas: (Gets up) You know what, wrestling isn't going to cut it.
Hannah: So what's your plan then genius?
(They both look at Simon and Michael)
Simon: Uh, how about a test to see how much you really love your parents.
(Thomas and Hannah both shrug, as it cuts back to Molly, Veronica, John, and Joseph eating in the restaurant, Veronica is eating a salad, while everyone else is eating Steak)
John: So when did you two meet?
Molly: Well, my friend Emma introduced me to her during a boring night, and we just hit it off real quickly.
Veronica: How is Emma these days?
Molly: Still a whore, though she is dating a cop now. (Chews on a piece of steak)
Joseph: So what is it about you that you find attractive about our sister?
Molly: (Turns to Veronica) I love her hair, her worldly experiences, her attitude.
Veronica: (To Molly) And I love your kindness and personality.
John: (Interrupts) So how about this steak, great isn't it?
Molly: Yeah, how did you guys find this place?
Joseph: It was during one night we came to the states and we were about to get smashed, then we smelled some good steak and we came here.
John: Now we come here whenever we want to see our little sister here.
Joseph: Even though the bitch is vegan.
Veronica: At least I'm not a fat fuck like you. (Points at Joseph)
John: (Punches Joseph's shoulder) Got you again, you really should lose the weight.
Joseph: Not until you gain some weight you anorexic crackhead. (Points at John)
John: Shut up. (They start pushing each other)
Veronica: Oy! Stop it!
John & Joseph: Sorry.
Molly: (To Veronica) This happens a lot.
Veronica: Yes, even though I'm the youngest kid in my family.
(John and Joseph give each other a noogie on each others head, it then cuts to Emma looking at her new hairstyle in the bathroom mirror)
Emma: Oh wow.
Alice: Is it good?
Emma: Better than good, I look sexy.
Alice: Well then, my work is done then.
Emma: I got more to do, I'm heading to the closest sex shop to find something to make that cop grow a nightstick in his pants.
(Emma runs out of Alice's apartment, as it cuts to Thomas and Hannah each sitting at the bar each holding the ring)
Hannah: Well the speeches didn't work.
Thomas: They were both so good, that they're crying.
Simon & Michael: (Offscreen in the bathroom) No we're not, we just had a bad lunch.
Thomas: (Sighs) This is ridiculous, why don't we just both give them the ring?
Hannah: Well, what other option do we have?
Hannah: No, we're not going to murder each other.
Thomas: What makes you think that?
Hannah: Your look, every time you have that look, it means you have a dirty plan.
Thomas: Okay. (Snickers)
Hannah: I knew it. (Grabs the ring and leaves)
Thomas: Hey! (As Hannah leaves Ball Busters, Thomas tackles Hannah which leads her to drop the ring and it goes into the sewer, they both look shocked)
Hannah: No! I payed two thousand dollars for that ring.
Thomas: (Gets up) Wait, you payed for the ring?
Hannah: Yes, you stupid dipshit!
Thomas: Well, your the stupid dipshit since you payed for that, meaning that you lose, yes!
Hannah: No, I just got to find the ring, maybe I can go into the sewer and find it.
Thomas: While you do that, I'm going to find mom and dad a little something that you will be looking for, well, forever.
(Hannah walks away sadly, as it cuts to Emma in a montage going through a sex shop looking at dildos, sex tapes, and leather clothing, she then finds a red lingerie outfit, then she buys perfume and a rose, all while the song Try Me On is playing, this lasts for thirty seconds)
Emma: All set.
(Cuts to Thomas and Alice sitting on a couch in Alice's apartment each drinking wine)
Thomas: So Emma still doesn't know.
Alice: She will soon, once she sees who Chad Cop really is.
Thomas: What do you mean?
Alice: You'll see later. Anyways, what about your sister, how did you solve your problem?
Thomas: There was no point in getting them a gift, it turns out that my mom has moved to New York to continue working as an author.
Alice: She writes?
Thomas: Yeah, she writes a novel every time she has sex with someone new, meaning she hasn't written a book in twenty seven years.
Alice: Wow! They were married for that long?
Thomas: Yep, and my father is now getting back into film making, but he's back doing the kind you find only in certain stores.
Alice: You mean the kind Emma was going to today?
Thomas: (Stares in confusion for a few seconds) Okay seriously, what did you do to her today?
(Molly suddenly walks inside and approaches Thomas and Alice)
Molly: Well it turns out that I was overreacting about meeting some of Veronica's relatives.
Alice: How did it go?
Molly: Great, it turns out that Veronica's family is just like every family. (Shakes in fear)
Alice: What's the problem with that?
Molly: I never had a normal family, I don't know how all that works.
Alice: (Puts her wine glass up) Welcome to a normal family then.
Molly: I got to go do some research, I'll be in my room probably for the next few days.
(Molly goes inside her room, as it cuts to Emma outside Chad Cop's apartment door wearing lingerie, with a rose in her mouth)
Emma: Hope this works. (Knocks on the door)
(The door opens and Sarah Connors appears inside the front door, Emma is shocked and her rose falls off her mouth)
Emma: (Confused) Uh, Sarah, what are you doing here?
Sarah Connors: Oh, Chad Cop isn't here, I'm just… (Thinks for a second) Housesitting for him, he had to run off somewhere.
Emma: Okay then, well… (Notices Chad Cop's hat sitting on the couch inside) Then why is his hat inside?
(Sarah Connors grows worried, and then Emma has a shocked look on her face)
Emma: Okay, I see. Tell Chad that I've seen it all, and that he can go fuck himself!
(Stomps the rose on the ground and walks off angrily, as Emma walks outside, she calls Alice on her cellphone)
Emma: (On the phone) Alice?
Alice: (On the other line) Hey Emma, you okay?
Emma: (On the phone) No. (Turns her head) Because cops are just like men… (She turns to see Sarah Connors in her apartment and sees her transform into Chad Cop, Emma looks shocked, and turns her head away)
Alice: (On the other line) Emma?
Emma: (On the phone) Alice, I got to see you right now! (Hangs up)
Created By AndrewBrauer
Written By AndrewBrauer
-Lightshow Episode 15-
- The debut of Hannah, Thomas's sister.
- The first time Bitchess is mentioned.
- The debut of Veronica's brothers, John and Joseph.
- Marks Emma as the third one to know about Sarah Connors/Chad Cop.
- Emma has officially changed her hairstyle, since it originally looked too much like Bitchess.