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Moronic BFFs
Moronic BFFs
"You are a fucking saint right now!"
Air date August 21, 2013
Written by Alpha-Lonewolf, CookieEyes, & YoshiRocker13
Other episodes by the author

{{{Episode 1}}}

{{{Episode 2}}}

 

Plot

What happens when two of the stupidest fanon characters meet? Cookie chaos occurs.

Transcript

(Kari is seen sitting on a bench in the park, randomly singing Japanese cartoon theme songs as she kicks her legs back and forth.)

Fifi: (skips around the park grass until she spots Kari singing) A juke box! (runs towards behind Kari)

Kari: (stops singing and yawns) When are they coming back already?

Fifi: (slowly rises behind Kari with a quarter and tries to put it in Kari's ear) hey why won't it go in?

Kari: Ow! What are you doing?!

Fifi: Ahh! Talking music box!

Kari: Talking music box?! (looks around) Where?!

Fifi: What's your name music box?

Kari: What music box? I don’t see a music box.

Fifi: You are the song cube silly radio.

Red: (comes in) Sup Kari?

Fifi: Apple Man!

Kari: (gasps and turns to see Red) American Daddy! Quick! Tell me! Am I a music box?!

Red: Uhhh no?

Fifi: What's her name Super Mario?

Red: Kari! She's my little angel! (hugs Kari) Well Japanese angel.

Fifi: (joins the hug) she's my angel then too. Now let’s go fly!

Kari: Oh my God! I am a music box AND an angel?! (gasps)

Red: What!?

Fifi: I'm a Fifi cookie and I sneeze apple jacks

Red: UGH! You IDIOTS!!!

Kari: Fifi cookie? I never had a cookie that before.

Fifi: Yay! We made an impression!

Kari: …We did?

Fifi: I taste like meat and fairies, cuz I can float on rainbows.

Kari: I didn’t know fairies had a taste.

Fifi: I know what you mean the same thing happened to me when I jumped on a bed.

Red: Someone kill me right now.

Fifi: One time I was jumping on a bed—

Kari: (gasps) I love jumping on beds!

Fifi: And then I fell out a window and I landed on Blue and then I said “Yay Blue!” and he was like, “Why did you do that?” and then I when back to my room to jump on the bed but I fell out again and then landed on Blue again then he said “What are you doing?”

Red: Heh, Blue nerd deserved it.

Kari: Who?

Fifi: Then I said giants eat chickens for breakfast then I went to my room again and then I fell out the window again.

Red: SHUT UP!!!

Kari: Boy. Talk about deja vu.

Fifi: (stood quiet for a moment) and then I ate a cookie. The end.

Kari: (claps) Woo-hoo! Happy ending!

Red: How did that relate to anything about fairies?

Fifi: What are fairies?

Red: Rrgh! God Damn it! now i know how Wolf feels!

Fifi: What do you like to do Kari?

Kari: I like jumping on beds, singing, and watching my twin brother and his friend beat up kids.

Fifi: Wow, I wish I had a brother who looked like a girl. And then we can have a cookie party.

(Katorou is seen behind Fifi and turns her around to grab her by the neck.)

Katorou: (angry) Are you sayin’ I look like a girl?!

Fifi: Arf Arf! I’m a cat on a leash. Tee hee.

Katorou: ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION!

Red: Oh no; not this douche again.

Fifi: What question?

Katorou: ARE YOU SAYING I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING GIRL?!

Fifi: Why do you think you look like one?

Katorou: Isn’t that what YOU think?!

Fifi: Cookies!

Kari: (excited) Where?!

Fifi: ... I forgot.

Kari: Aww...

Fifi: Hey who are you? (points to Katorou)

Katorou: Why the fuck do you wanna know?

Kari: That’s Katorou. He’s my twin brother.

Fifi: Was he the one who said he looked like a girl?

Katorou: No! YOU SAID THAT!

Fifi: What did i say?

Katorou: You said I looked like a girl!

Kari: Not really.

Katorou: You stay out of this, Kari!

Fifi: Who's Kari? Is she your grandma?

Katorou: (points to Kari) That’s Kari! She’s my sister, you fucking retard!

Kari: (waves) Hi I’m Kari.

Fifi: Oh okay... so who am I?

Kari: …I forgot.

Fifi: Okay so I'm Katorou.

Katorou: No! I’m Katorou! (points to Kari) That’s Kari! (points to Fifi) And you’re a stupid bitch!

Fifi: And you are my twin sister! YAY!!!

Katorou: THAT’S IT! I’M GONNA GO FIND REI! KARI, STAY RIGHT THERE WITH THAT CUNT!

Kari: Okie-dokie-lokie!

(Katorou stomps away)

Fifi: I can do that too! (stomps around) I'm a butterfly!

Kari: (gasps) Stomping makes you a butterfly?!

Fifi: Who is Rei?

Kari: She’s a friend of ours. She beats up little kids.

Fifi: Does that mean she makes cookies?

Kari: No.

Fifi: Does she make pies then?

Kari: She doesn’t make anything as far as I know.

Fifi: Let’s play hide and seek from them when they come back. They can be it.

Kari: Ooh! I LOVE hide and seek!

Fifi: I'm really good at it. Wolf takes weeks before he finds me.

Kari: You play hide and seek with a wolf?

Fifi: He always wants to be it and look for me. One time it took a whole year for him to find me in his cabinet.

Kari: Wow. Who knew such dangerous animals can be so playful?

Fifi: Wolf's an animal? Why didn't he tell me?

Kari: I dunno. (gasps) Maybe HE doesn’t know he is one!

(Fifi hides in a tree)

Fifi: Are the others coming yet?

Kari: Who knows? Sometimes they’re gone for a while, sometimes they come back at night.

Fifi: (hears a cookie truck) AFTER THOSE COOKIES!!!

(Wolf is shown driving the truck of cookies until Fifi jumps on the windshield.)

Wolf: WHAT THE HOLY FUCK!!!

Fifi: I want cookies! (licks the windshield)

Wolf: I can't see you fucking moron!

Kari: Hey! What are you doing?! (follows the truck)

(After they’re gone, Katorou comes back with Rei.)

Katorou: Seriously though, this chick is fucking retarded, and I mean more retarded than Kari! So I want you to do me a favor and— (sees that they’re gone) …Argh! Goddammit!

Rei: See? This is why, one, we need to get cell phones, and two, we need to stop leaving her in this spot.

(They hear a crash followed by an explosion far off.)

Katorou: What the fuck was that?

Rei: Let’s fucking find out!

Wolf: (recovers from crash) What the fuck, Fifi! This truck had money in it! I only disguised it as...

Fifi: (eating the money) These are strange tasting cookies.

Wolf: OH MY GOD!!! (shoots Fifi in the head)

Kari: Oh shit!

Wolf: Whew. I feel better.

Fifi: (come back to life) I got no strings to hold me down.

Wolf: The moment was short lived but worth it.

(Katorou grabs Kari)

Katorou: Come on, Kari! We gotta go!

Kari: But—

Katorou: Screw the other retard! Rei will deal with her later!

Fifi: (jumps on Katorou's shoulders) Giddy up camel! WEE!!!

Katorou: Whoa! Get the fuck off me!

Fifi: I'm an astronaut!

Katorou: Rei! Help me!

Rei: I’d rather not. This is hilarious.

Kari: Then why don’t you fucking laugh? If it’s that fucking funny, then start laughing.

Rei: You can’t tell me what to do.

Kari: Okay…

Fifi: (switches over to Rei's back) You're a whale from outer space. Let’s fly under water!

Rei: Good! Maybe I can drown you there.

Katorou: PLEASE DO!

Wolf: Look, I know you don't care what a stranger would say, but believe me when I tell you you cannot kill this moronic fuck-tard.

Katorou: You mean that bitch is immortal?

Wolf: You can make ten seasons of A Thousand Ways To Die with this retarded abomination.

Katorou: Ughhhh… (becomes exhausted and falls down)

Fifi: You look tired. (shoves an old cookie in his mouth) I saved that one in my skirt for three weeks.

Katorou: (spits the cookie out) Look! Just leave me, my friend, and my sister alone! We have children to beat up!

Fifi: Yay! You’re going to make cookies!

Katorou: No we’re not going to make cookies! We’re going to find a small kid, beat the shit out of it, and take his or her goddamn money!

Rei: (eye twitches) Katorou, I have sudden urge to kill everyone in this area. Can you go find a shotgun?

Katorou: What?!

Wolf: (pulls out a whole selection from out of his pockets) What would you like?

Rei: Whoa! (throws Fifi off and runs up to Wolf) You are a fucking saint right now!

Wolf: I also have MK-19's, 50 cal's, mini guns, grenade launchers... (pulls out each at a time)

Kari: How the hell can you carry all of that?

Wolf: For now, let’s just call it magic, cuz I really don't know myself.

Kari: (gasp) Oh my God! You’re magic?!

Fifi: No, he's my taco.

Katorou: Come on girls. Let’s just leave already. I’ve had enough of that purple cunt.

Rei: (to Wolf) Hey dude, can I keep at least one of these?

Wolf: Keep them all if you want, I have an unlimited supply and even this. (pulls out a light saber)

Rei: (picks up a couple weapons) Yo Kari! Help me carry most of these.

Kari: Okay! (grabs the rest of them)

Fifi: Okay bye Wolf!

Wolf: Where are you going? Not that I could care less.

Fifi: I'm going to stay with my new bestest best friends for a while.

Wolf: Shit! Feel free to take a year off with them.

(Katorou overhears what Wolf said and glares at him.)

Wolf: What? I could do with a vacation from this idiot's guide.

Fifi: Can I come Kari?

Kari: Okay, new friend!

Katorou: Just so you two know, when we’re home, I’m gonna lock the both of you in the basement.

Wolf: Good luck with that. (leaves)

Fifi: EEEK! We're going to have so much fun! We’re going to eat cookies and have parties, eat cookies, more parties, eat cookies, eat cookies, eat cookies, and ride pony cookies then eat them!

Kari: Yay! Basement fun!

Katorou: Ugghhhh! I feel uneasy.

Rei: Hey, look on the bright side. At least we got cool ass weapons.

Katorou: Yeah. I guess so…

(At the basement)

Fifi: So we can stay in here for our cookie party?

Kari: Yup. Katorou said we can have the cookie party here for the rest our lives as long as we don’t escape.

Fifi: Well we'll come visit them when we want more friends for tea cookie parties.

Kari: Ooh, you’re right!

(with Rei and Katorou)

Rei: (Japanese) Are you sure they won’t come out?

Katorou: (Japanese) Positive! They’ll be so busy obsessing over cookies, they’ll forget all about us.

Fifi: (appears right behind them both) HI GUYS!

(Katorou and Rei both scream in fear.)

Fifi: I wanted to first tell you both about the time I flew through a window into a puppy pound and after that the owner kicked me out cuz I think I landed on the puppies that didn't turn out to be puppies but fluffy kitties. Then I went outside to... (Continues to talk nonstop very quickly)

Katorou: SOMEONE FUCKING KILL ME!

Fifi: Hey that's what Wolf says. You must be twins.

(Katorou lies down in his bed crying.)

Fifi: What's wrong with him Rei?

Rei: Everything that involves you.

Fifi: Wow, I must be so great that I make him cry. He really likes me.

Rei: No he doesn’t.

Fifi: Then that means he loves me YAY!

Rei: He doesn’t like you OR love you. That’s just put it at that.

Fifi: He adores me!

Rei: (sighs) No…he hates you… He fucking hates you.

Fifi: He hates me not being around! Yay!

Rei: You really don’t understand, do you?

Fifi: I love everyone and everyone loves me!

Rei: Are you sure?

Fifi: Always, cuz I’m real smart.

Katorou: IF YOU’RE SO SMART, WHY CAN’T YOU LISTEN TO US AND JUST LEAVE ALREADY?!

Fifi: Kari and I are still having a party! And Wolf said I can stay as long as i want.

Katorou: Then go back to the basement!

Fifi: Okay! (leaves)

(Katorou hides his head with his pillow.)

Katorou: Why did she have to be immortal?

Fifi: (Pops up behind them again) Because I promised Wolf that no matter what, I will always be around to be his bestest best friend

Katorou: (growls) Then why don’t you and Kari have your cookie party at HIS place?!

Fifi: Uhhh... I forgot how to get there.

Katorou: Then go out and ask someone for directions or something.

Rei: (whispers to Katorou) Dude! That guy has a shit-ton of weapons. I don’t think it’d be best to involve him in this.

Katorou: (whispers back) I don’t care. As long as she gets out of my hair, I just don’t care if he kills me in the middle of the night.

Fifi: (whispers) I can whisper too. It's fun.

Katorou: You know what’s more fun? Staying quiet!

Fifi: I can do that! (keeps quiet)

Katorou: (thinking) Wow…that actually worked…

(Fifi starts to poke them on the head.)

(Katorou pulls his blanket over his head in annoyance and Rei puts on a helmet.)

(Fifi brings out some stick and plays professional drumming on Rei's helmet.)

Rei: (grabs Fifi’s arms) You know, I’m sure Kari is probably waiting for you to come back. Why don’t you go back to the basement so you two can have your cookie party or whatever?

Fifi: You're right! (crashes through wall to basement)

Katorou: Oh thank God she’s gone…

Rei: For now…

(They both feel a slight tremor coming from below.)

Rei: What the fuck is that?

Katorou: An earthquake?!

(Fifi and Kari walk up with innocent expressions and covered in charred cookie dough.)

Katorou: Alright! What the fuck did you two do?!

Fifi: Uh, how much does a new basement cost?

Katorou: What do you mean by that?

Fifi: Well Wolf says it's best to start things off with a bang.

Kari: So we tried to bake cookies with grenades.

Fifi: It was a very big cookie.

Katorou & Rei: You what?!

Kari: I know! Isn’t that cool?

(Fifi starts to eat the charred dough off Kari's head)

Katorou: Mom is going to be pissed...

Fifi: Hey Kari, let’s make them again in the kitchen!

Kari: Okay!

Katorou: (lets out a frustrated cry) That’s it! I’m outta here!

Rei: Yeah…I gotta go home.

Fifi: I'll add this from what Wolf gave me. (holds a nuke) Wolf said I should keep it to use one day to play with.

Kari: Cool! Let's go put it in the oven. (takes the nuke and skips to the oven)

(Katorou and Rei scream and run for their lives.)

(Camera shows the city before it explodes in a nuclear blast.)

-Episode Ends-

(After credits)

(Midnight Blaze is sitting at the park bench (the same one Kari was sitting at in the beginning) late at night while sipping a can of lemonade.)

Midnight Blaze: (Japanese) …Why do I feel like I don't have to go home anymore...? (looks around, gets up from the bench, and walks off) (English) Yo French kissing couple! Know any good hotels around or do I have to camp out here where I could possibly get mosquito bites on my dick?

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