New Red Dawn
New Red Dawn
Groom my dick!
Air date 05-23-14
Written by Alpha-Lonewolf, YoshiRocker13, MDkid663, AndrerwBauer
Directed by Alpha-Lonewolf
Location Church
Other episodes by the author

God of the Monsters

Cyber Chase



Red finally moves to settle down with Stacy's sister who is not so fat and ugly anymore. it's a brand new dawn for Red's life


(at the Drunken Bear Tavern with Red's Bachelor party)

Jones: (Flies in) Time to start this bitch!

Rapper: (dancing around strippers) This is the best bachelor party EVER!

Lad: Beers are on the house fer me wee lad Red!

Wolf: And to think this is the last time you'll ever drink Red.

Jones: Sweet! (Chugs a beer mug)

Rapper: Yeah! (drinks beer) By the way, who are you getting married to anyways Red?  Wait, let me guess. Stacy?

Red: The love of my Life Tracy.

Jones: Stacy's fat ugly sister? (Laughs)

Red: Yeah Stacy's sister but she isn't fat anymore

Wolf: I heard as much. how did that happen?

Jones: Bullshit, how?

Rapper: Oh really? Prove it.

(Red gives Rapper a picture of him and Tracy.)

Rapper: Whoa, you weren't kidding.

Red: We both started working out together and she is super hot now especially with her eyes.

Jones: Damn I would tap that... (Pauses) uhhhh never mind, she's your wife.

Wolf: Well she will be soon.

Jones: This is basically your last night of freedom, go crazy!

Red: She's worth it

Wolf: Wow she really turned your life around.

Whoop: I think that is awesome for her to change you like this

Ryle: (comes by) I heard someone's gettin' married.

Wolf: That's right sour puss, Red is getting married.

Ryle: I don't mind.

Rapper: Good for you Red, she's almost as hot as Fox.

Jones: Yeah, she's hot, but Jade is still the hotter to, well, many men.

Wolf: Second place.

Jones: (Glares at Wolf) We'll see. (Chugs another beer mug and burps)

Rapper: Make that third, since I think Tracy is more hotter than Jade.

Wolf: Fox is hot to men and women. She could make a gay man straight and a straight woman a lesbian.

(Ryle facepalms)

Jones: Seriously Rapper? (Shows photos of Jade naked with her big ass and breasts all out)

Ryle: Exactly!

Rapper: (rolls her eyes) I don't find it enjoyable.

Jones:  (A random stranger sees the photos and faints from pleasure) Whatever. (Puts them away)

Ryle: Let's just keep enjoying the party.

Jones: It ain't a bachelor party with a stripper, know any?

(The three strippers that were dancing with Rapper walk up to Jones)

Jones: It's in my pants, and it's all hundreds. (Laughs)

Red: uh hey Wolf. can I ask you something

Wolf: Sorry no adventures now that you're about to be Married

Wolf: What might that be? an Epic Drunk Party
Montage for your bachelor party?

Red: No. Can you be my best man at the wedding?

Wolf: What!? What about blue?!

Red: look I know Blue is my best friend, but you are real awesome and I want an awesome best man.

Ryle: Well that's nice.

Wolf: So you mean I am to be the awesome man.

(both laugh)

Red: So will you be my awesome man at the wedding? Pleeeeeeease!

Wolf: raaagh, Do I have to dress like a fucking penguin?

Red: Hell no! you are the awesome man. You get to wear awesome clothes!

Wolf: Fuck Yeah! I'm there then!

Red: Also I want Lad to bring the best beer for everyone else since I promised not to drink anymore.

Wolf: Wow looks like this girl has shot a deadly blow to your party monster.

Ryle: Same here.

Red: she's still worth it

Rapper: (to Ryle) No one gives a shit sour puss.

Ryle: (to Rapper) I know.

(Jones then walks over to Rapper with the three strippers)

Jones: Whoever hired these bitches, is genius!

(Ryle rolls his eyes)

Rapper: Fuck you. (walks to a table)

Jones: (To Rapper)Anyways, I gotta get out, these girls wanna come back to my place for a private show,  unless you or Ryle wants to come along?

Ryle: (to Jones) Fuck it, I'm coming with ya.

Rapper: (pulls Ryle back) I don't think so tough guy, your suppose to be supporting your friend.

Foully: So who do you fucking have for the god damn other positions Red fuck?

Red: Well I have to pick out three more dudes for the men of honor

Jones: Alright! (To Red) Me and Jade will see you at the wedding tomorrow, have fun while you still can. (He and the three strippers leave)

Whoop: How about me? I can shoot a laser off after you two get married

Red: Awesome!

(Shawn comes by, hearing about everything)

Wolf: I guess since no one else will step up for the last spot I got another person you could choose.

Red: Really? Who?

Wolf: How about James Bauer?

Red: You mean the super spy guy? AWESOME!

Shawn: I can make the ice statues.

(Damon teleports with a bible)

Damon: Hey Red, if you don't mind I was thinking if I could do the ceremony.

Red: but aren't you a demon and allergic to that holy stuff?

Wolf: What about your last two small positions?

Red: I asked Lad if Lass could be the flower girl

Wolf: Won't that be adorable? guess I'll be bleeding from the eyes from restraining myself from the urge to kill. I'm guessing Blink is the ring bearer.

Red: Yep. Oh and can you try not to kill people there? My girl doesn't want a blood bath.

Wolf: You are really putting the chains on me dude.

Red: It's just for one day.

Wolf: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, Fine!

Damon: Why can't Ryle do the ceremony?

(Red and Wolf laugh out loud)

Wolf: And who says Damon doesn't have a sense of humor?

Red: i can imagine sour puss trying to do that job.

Wolf: We'll have The Raccoon do that job

Rapper: (laughs) Yeah, that sounds better.

Red: (cries) I'm really gonna miss you dudes!

Wolf: I wonder if we can cry out tears of beer like the way we piss it out.

Red: (quickly calms) Yeah I wonder if it taste good. That would taste awesome I bet (goes back to crying) Hey! Stop ruining my emotional moment!

Wolf: Sorry that I can't join the puss moment. I lost my tears after I killed my whole class.

Red: (cries) Dude you were always like the older brother I should have had. You were always awesome!

Wolf: Well I'll still be around. but I don't think your new wife will want you near me anymore.

Red: (cries) I know! I can't believe this is happening! it feels like I'm about to lose an older brother even though I never had one. (calms down a little) Now i know why Fox wanted you as a brother.

Wolf: What can I say? If you want death and anarchy mixed with adventure and danger than I am the man for the job even if it's just going to the bathroom.

Red: (sniffs) Yeah, I'll always remember the time we took out all those gods.

Wolf: was nothing new to me actually.

Red: ha yeah.

Wolf: Oh yeah and I got you a little something for your last night as a bachelor.

Red: What could I possibly want more than all of this?

Wolf: (Gives all the guys protective eye wear) You guys will want to put these on.

(Fox steps onto the counter where Red and Wolf was in a short, white, shiny, leather suit revealing all of her back, most of her mid section, her belly, a 3rd of her breast. She wore a extra soft fox tail that she could control and fox ears. Her hair was in pig tails. She wore a the necklace Wolf got from Drake and gave her an angelic look with shiny skin and an angelic voice)

Fox: Congratulations on your new life Red.

(a lot of the men die from the sight of her from over exposure to her hotness)

(Red slurs his speech as he stutters when blood drips out his nose, ears, and eyes along with every other guy in the bar. Around the would mostly every guy felt a surge of sexual pleasure from looking at Fox)

Wolf: Look but don't touch.

Red: How am I suppose to do that? (Wolf ties Red's arms behind his back with titanium chains) Oh, good idea. Fox: (sits down on Red's lap) Don't worry, I won't do anything that will kill you. (Licks his ear)

Red: I just exploded in my pants.

Blue: (comes in the tavern) Hey guys sorry I'm... HOLY SHIT!!! (Nose bursts out bleeding and faints to the ground)

(Fox begins to give Red and lap dance at a slow speed with smooth movements as Red tries in vain to try and keep from reacting to  Fox's movements)

Broseph: Lucky bastard Brah.

Lord Tourettes: That is so GOD DAMN FUCKING SEXY BITCH!!!

Blue: (in a daze) Why didn't I get a bachelor party like this?

Ryle: I feel like killing myself..... (nose bleeds heavily)

Trollz0r: I'm getting a level hundred on my greatsword of Godly Might just by watching.

Raccoon: I'm about to go beastiarity!

Auto-tuned Bee: Me too mother fucka! OW!

Shawn: I'm about to melt!

(Damon shoots himself and comes back)

Mr. Dingleberry: (Slaps his dick) Wake up you dick! Time to go to work.

Fox: (shows Red two buttons) Which would you like to see first?

(Red headbutts the second one as it starts to rain on them both and Fox starts to slowly belly dance in front of Red)

Fox: (seductive) good choice.

(Shawn feels his body sweating from Fox's hotness)


Wolf: do you need a bucket for all that semen oozing out your pants Red?

Red: (Small high pitch voice) yes please. you're not going to kill me for this are you?

Wolf: Nah, I'll let it go this time since you are getting married to Tracy. (Fox continues to perform for Red as he sits in a state of shock and pleasure. later the wedding is ready to begin)

Stacy: (prepares Tracy's dress) Good luck sis, I'm rootin' for ya.

Tracy: Thank you Stacy.

Violet: I can't believe that your getting married.

Fox: I know Red will treat you fine Tracy

Tracy: I know he will. Red is a good person.

Lass: You look like an angel from the winter lands of Scotland

Tracy: (hugs Lass) Thank you. You are just too adorable

(A royal blue girl knocks the door where Tracy and the others are)

Royal Blue Girl: Hello? Anyone there?

(Fox opens the door to see who it is)

Fox: can I help you?

(The girl was shown to have headphones and a eighth note on her left cheek)

Royal Blue Girl: I heard that Red and Tracy are about to get married, and I want to help.

Fox: Well we do need one more for the maids of honor

Royal Blue Girl: Thanks.

Tracy: What is your name?

Royal Blue Girl: I'm Sonia.

Stacy: okay everyone lets finish up. we are about to start.

(Meanwhile in the church room. Jade and Jones sit down for the wedding)

Jones: It was so weird, last night when I was fucking the strippers, I got a sexual vibe from somewhere in the city.

Jade: That is strange.

Red: Dude I am so nervous!

Blink: (puts his bow on) I'm so nervous! I've never been a Ring Bearer before!

Ryle: (to Red) Come one, you got this.

Wolf: (In a marines Dress Blues) Don't worry about it you two. everything will be fine.

Red: (looks at Wolf in his uniform) I wish I was a Marine.

Wolf: Too bad you weren't. The ladies love to be with Marines and this suit is like a chick magnet.

(shows lots of the women in the church with hearts in their eyes staring at Wolf)

Ryle: (puts on nose plugs to stop the bleeding) I swear to God and Jesus Christ themselves if Foxy wears that DAMN outfit I'm gonna-

Wolf: Don't worry Ryle. As a maid of honor Fox has to wear the traditional maid of honor dress

Ryle: Good.

Shawn: (to Red) Good thing your getting married.

Blink: I'm so happy for Uncle Red!

Shawn: (to Blink) Me too kid.

(the music starts to play)

Wolf: Everyone get ready

(Everybody stands up and the men and maids of honor walk down the aisle and soon after Lass comes down the aisle as everyone talks about how adorable she looks and then Tracy walks down until she is across from Red. The Raccoon goes through his lines and gets to the part if Red has anything to say)

Raccoon: Does da groom have-a anyting he wishes to say?

Red: Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for coming out tonight. My big thanks goes to Wolf for being my best man, to Lass for being the flower girl, and to everyone here supporting me. Nothing makes me more happy than having all you bros here today to support me getting married to the woman I love.

(Raccoon has them go through their vows and gets to the final part)

Raccoon: Do you two-a take each other to rive as husband and wife as a-rong as you both sharr rive?

Red: Hell ya I do.

Tracy: Yes, I do.

Raccoon: then I-a pronounce you two a-husband and wife and go arr night baby!

(Wolf clears his throat at Raccoon)

Raccoon: Oh yeah and you may-a kiss da bride.

(Red and Tracy kiss lips as the crowd claps. Whoop shoots out a laser from his mouth in celebration of the marriage and James Bauer orders a group of agents to salute Red and Tracy. Later, Dub-step Music plays as everyone dances for the after party)

Ryle: Hey Wolfy boy.

Wolf: What? can't you see I'm busy trying to keep these girls away without killing them? (tries to keep a swarm of girls away)

Blink: (shy) I have nobody to dance with...

Lass: (pulls Blink onto the dance floor) Dance with me!

Blink: (blushes) O- Okay Lass.

Ryle: Remember the WHOLE overexposure of Foxy's body?

(Ryle pulls out a gallon of fake blood)

Ryle: I was just screwin' with ya.

Wolf: Nice try Ryle I know you thought Fox was that hot. otherwise something is wrong with you.

Ryle: Wait! WHAT!? I was just screwin' around!

Wolf: Suuure you were.

Ryle: (deadly serious) I NEVER think of Foxy that damn hot.

Wolf: then that proves it. You are gay Ryle.


Lass: Spin me Blinky!

Blink: (spins Lass around)

Lass: Whee!

Blink: (giggles) Your a good dancer Lass.

Lass: You are too because you are fun. (kisses Blinks cheek)

Blink: (face turns red and he giggles) Thanks Lass...

(Lass continues to dance al***l night with Blink)

Sonia: (walks up to Blue) So, your Red's best friend right? It's nice that Red finally changed.

Blue: I guess he is now.

Sonia: (to Blue) Yeah, I'm Sonia by the way. Also, why do I get the feeling of that black guy wanting to kill himself?

Fox: (trying to avoid lots of men) How are you holding up with the ladies Wolf?

Wolf: Maybe this uniform was a bad idea.

Ryle: No shit. (to Wolf) Come on think of it, ya DO look sexy.

Wolf: Dude, that sounded totally gay right now

Ryle: Changed my mind again, THAT is a bad idea wearing that outfit Wolf boy.

Wolf: good thing you said that. I was about to put you on my kill list for later.

Rapper: Pfft, you just don't like being called Gay, well your not as cool as you sound.

Ryle: But seriously, I feel like dying right now.

Sonia: (to Rapper) Does he always act like that?

Wolf: Sorry can't help you there. I promised Red not to kill tonight

Sonia: (to Rapper) Does that black guy always act like that?

Blink: (tired) Lass, I think I'm getting tired...

Lass: Lets get you a drink. (runs to the table and tries to reach for a cup of juice)

Blink: (drinks the juice) Mmm, tastes yummy.

Lass: Where is your friend Ellen?

Blink: She couldn't make it, unfortunately. (looks down sad)

Lass: (Hugs Blink) don't I make you happy?

Blink: (blushes) Yeah, you do.

Lass: Good I'm glad I make you happy instead of sad. You did a good job as the ring bearer. You looked real handsome and cute.

Blink: (blushes) You looked beautiful as the flower girl.

Lass: (squeals) Thank you! (kisses Blink on the cheek again)

(Blink blushes and laughs nervously)

Shawn: (watches them) Now THAT'S adorable.

Fox: I just hope Ellen doesn't get jealous.

Rapper: Ellen's not even here, how the hell can she know?

Fox: Things always tend to get found out later. let's just hope that doesn't happen.

Sonia: (to Rapper) You do know you shouldn't swear in front of children.

Lass: I'm tired Blink can you hold me?

Blink: (blushes) S- Sure.

Lass: Thank you. (snuggles and starts to sleep against Blink)

Blink: (smiles and kisses Lass' head while she sleeps) Your welcome.

(Everyone adores the sight and takes pictures)

Rapper: Yup, Ellen's gonna kill Blink when she sees this.

Fox: that is just too precious.

Ryle: (shudders) I feel killing right now.

Stacy: oh my god that is kitty amazing level of cuteness.

Violet: Same here.

Ryle: Welp, I'm just gonna go leave the after party.... and back to my home. (slowly walks away)

Rapper: (watches with disappointment) Ryle, you're such an ass fuck.

(Blink takes Lass to a sofa and rests her on the pillow)

Tracy: just wait until we have kids Red

Red: (turns pale) Oh god.


(After Credits)

(shows Ellen looking at the picture of Blink and Lass)

Ellen: (teary) Blink... Why?!



  • 1/5 Unicorn Barf!
  • 2/5 It was like Meh.
  • 3/5 I guess it was... pretty good.
  • 4/5 This is like crazy right?

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