New in Town
New to Town





Written by:


Air date:

30/6/2014 (Pilot) 15/7/2014 (Full Episode)



Rocky, Cream, Spike, Red and Blue


Rocky's parents (Mentioned), Female flight attendant, Cab driver, Bouncer and a bunch of girls

Episode Guide
Other episodes by the author

New in Town

Ron Weasley


New in Town is an fan fic episode of Dick Figures, written and created by Metal-it-is. It's the first episode of series one.


Rocky goes to America after been given an opportunity to go. Rocky has to leave his girlfriend Cream back in England and Rocky struggles to fit in with everyone.


(Warning: Contains strong language and mild sexual references)

3:43pm, Shitty Records Studios, Shitchester, England

Rocky: (Finishing off recording his song)

Studio employee: (Claps) Well Rocky... what can I say? That was not that bad, not good but not that bad either. Keep on practicing and you'll eventually get there.

Rocky: *Gets an energy drink and drinks it* Hey Thanks man, I really appreciate it.

Studio employee: (Laughs) Really Rocky? I was just joking, that was complete utter shit! I don't like this metal shit Rocky! You're not even in a band, you are a loser Rocky, a big bloody loser with no life!

Rocky: Well I'd thought any recording studios would accept any genre of music! Well is there one not far from here that accepts metal?

Studio employee: Yes of course, there are plenty around here, but however, I'd like to make an offer to you Rocky.

Rocky: Sure, hit me with it, what's the offer?

Studio employee: (Punches Rocky in the face)

Rocky: What the fuck was that for?

Studio employee: Well you just said "hit me with it"

Rocky: I obviously didn't mean it literally, now what's the bloody offer?

Studio employee: Ah yes the offer, well I have a friend named Ron who lives in Sol Selegna in America and he's also works in a record studio like this one but much bigger! He's also metal head like you and even though you're not in a band at the moment, he'll can help you get you into one if you want to. Which I know it will never happen!

Rocky: Well... it does sound like an amazing offer... but...

Studio employee: But what?

Rocky: I don't want to have to leave my girlfriend behind.

Studio employee: Bring her with then, Think about it! I'm giving you the opportunity of your life time Rocky, you may never get another opportunity. You and your friend will be living the dream Rocky, the American dream Rocky, you've heard me right, the American dream!

Rocky: She's actually my girlfriend.

Studio employee: I bet is she ins't. Who would want to go out with you? You're always wearing that beanie, many people don't listen to the sort of music you're into and you're so boring.

Rocky: Thanks a bunch and as you were just saying about the American dream?

Studio employee: (Puts his arm around Rocky) Oh yes, the American dream Rocky, Clubs and nightclubs, hot sexy ass bitches with huge tits, hot fast cars, giant mansions on the mountain sides, you bloody name it Rocky, you bloody name it! Now this will be the only time I'll offer you Rocky... so will you live the american dream?

Rocky: Well... alright then, does sound quite exciting actually.

Studio employee: Now that's what I'm talking, I'll call up Ron now and let him know you're coming, I'll buy you a flat to start you off and I'll book you a plane ticket!

Rocky: Awesome thank you so much man, I owe you one!

Studio employee: Yes you do, now get out fuck of my sight!

Rocky: Oh and by the way.

Studio employee: What?

Rocky: (Punches him in the face, knocking him out) That was for when you punched me in the face earlier, oh and you won't believe who taught me how to fight, my girlfriend Cream... oh of course you're unconscious, I've better get going... Thanks again... dickhead!

12:31am, Rocky's flat, Shitchester, England

(Rocky's smartphone goes off)

Rocky: Who could possibly be calling me at this time of night? *Picks up his smartphone and answers it* Hello?

Studio employee: Hey Asshole, great news! I've talked to Ron and he says that he'll like to meet you and record your shitty music and I've also brought you a flat not too far from the recording studio and I've also booked your flight and it leaves tomorrow evening from Shatwick International Airport. Your plane ticket will come through your door in the morning.

Rocky: What? Well that's great thank you but why did you book my flight for tomorrow evening and did you book a fight for my girlfriend?

Studio employee: You're girlfriend? (Laughs) Of course I didn't, you lonely prick, she'll have to make her own way!

Well why didn't you book one for her and that's not even going to give me enough time to get prepared...  (Studio employee hangs up and then silence) ...fuck.

7:01pm, Shatwick International Airport, England

Cream: (Dropping Rocky off) Well, here we are Rocky.

Rocky: Hey, thanks for dropping me off Cream, I really appreciate it.

Cream: You're welcome Rocky, anything for you... (Signs) ...Well, I guess this is good bye, huh?

Rocky: (Signs) I guess so Cream.

Cream: (Sobs) I'm gonna really miss you Rocky.

Rocky: I'm going to miss you too Cream. (Leans in to hug her)               

Cream: Wait, you've just said, and I quote, "I'm going to miss you too Cream" that doesn't sound like you're gonna miss me. (Cries)   

Rocky: What, of course I'm going to miss you Cream, you mean the whole world to me.                        

Cream: (Crying and hugs Rocky) Oh so you are going to miss me, that's my boy!           

Rocky: I'll defiantly miss you Cream (Sobs and hugs her) but I will come back to Britain too see you again.       

Cream: Hey Rocky, just before you go, wanna you want to make love? 

(People walking by hear Cream and stare at them both, like if they were awkward)       

Rocky: (Staring at Cream and everyone in embarrassment) Well I can't right now Cream, maybe when we see each other again.   

Cream: Maybe this will change your mind! (Changes the car seats into a small double bed and the car interior turns into what seems to be like a romantic bedroom)   

Rocky: (Signs) Look Cream, I really can't right now. 

Cream: Why's that? You hate me don't you?   

Rocky: No it's because A, my flight leaves in an hour and B, everyone is looking at us, plus Cream I care about you more then anything. I swear when I get to America, I'll Wype you when I get there, I promise.

Cream: Oh Rocky, you do really care! (Hugs him tight around the neck)         

Rocky: (Sad and also choking) Alright Cream, I better get going, I'm so sorry, but again, as soon as I get settled there, I will contact you on Wype, first thing! 

Cream: (Sad) Alright then, I'll see you soon Rocky. 

Rocky: I'll see you soon too Cream... bye (Gets out of the car and gets out his luggage) 

Cream: Oh and Rocky!   

Rocky: Yeah Cream?   

Cream: (Shouts) Please don't fuck with anyone while you're there! 

(Everyone's now staring at Cream and Rocky. Rocky then goes all embarrassed looking back and fourth at Cream and everyone else looking at them)             

8:23pm, on board a Airbus A380, Royal Shitain Airways, Shatwick Airport, England

   Rocky: (Takes his seat and Rocky accidentally finds an old photograph of him when he was 10 and his parents in his messenger bag) (Signs and thinks to himself) I actually wonder what happened to my parents, they were taken away from me when I was only 12... I hope they're still alive but I know they would be very proud of me. (Sobs)

Female flight attendant: Ladies and perverts, we will be taking off very shortly, so we would really like you to pay attention to the following announcements. First of all, in an unlikely event of a accident, you're basically fucked. Thank you for listen and we hope you enjoy the flight. 

Rocky: (Sarcasm and thinking to himself) Wow, that was very helpful, thanks a bunch... you wankers!         

1:22pm, Sol Selegna Internation Airport, Sol Selegna, USA

Rocky: Taxi! (Hails a taxi outside of the airport entrance) Hello, could you please take me to this following address please? (Gives the cab driver the address)

Cab driver: (Remains silent) 

Rocky: So how are you doing then?   

Cab driver: (Remains silent)   

Rocky: (Sarcasm) I'm very good myself, thank you for asking.     

1:51pm, rundown apartment blocks, Sol Selegna, USA

Rocky: Hey, thanks man, I really appreciate it, here's your money. (As Rocky hands his money to the cab driver, the cab driver then unexpectedly tightly grabs Rocky's hand)

Cab driver: Right you listen hear Mr Nice Guy! Your kindness and your British accent is making my fucking brain melt and this place you're about to alight right now is one of the most roughest neighborhoods in this city! Everyday in this area people are murdered, tortured, raped, you fucking name it! If you're going to survive, then you better stop acting nice and start being more of a fucking man, and if I ever see you being nice again, I'll swear to god, that I will slit your fucking throat and laugh as you die of your painful death! Now get out of my fucking cab before I break your fucking neck!         

Rocky: Uh... you're welcome? (Gets out of the cab and looks at his new apartment) (Sarcasm) Seems very nice.         

5:00pm, rundown apartment blocks, Sol Selegna, USA

(After settling in, Rocky goes onto Wype to contact his girlfriend, Cream)

Rocky: Hey Cream, I'm finally in America!   

Cream: That's great to hear, I guess it's not so bad once we've contacted each other on Wype.       

Rocky: Yeah, that's cool so how's everything going? 

Cream: Yeah it's fine about from you not being here.

Rocky: Yes, I wish I could be there with you too. (Hears banging from outside his room) Hey Cream, I'll be right back, it sounds like if someone is nailing me in.     

Cream: Alright... (Shouts) as long as you're not going to fuck with anyone!     

Rocky: (Annoyed) I won't.     

(Rocky heads outside of his room and sees a light blue stick man with long hair and also wearing a beanie trying to get into his room by bashing on the door)               

?: Man I've could of swore that this was the right key!       

Rocky: Uh... hello, are you okay?   

?: (Turns to Rocky) Oh hey man, what's cooking? 

Rocky: Um... (Looks behind him) I'm not really cooking anything, why can you smell something?   

?: (Laughs) No man, I meant as in how's it going? 

Rocky: Oh, sorry, but yeah everything's fine, I've only just moved in and I could hear noises in the corridor so I just decided to see if everything was alright?   

?: Well not really bro, I can't get into my room. I'm using the right key but it won't let me in.   

Rocky: (Rocky then sees that there's another key attached on the same key ring he's using) Um... I think you're using the wrong key. 

?: Huh... (Realization) ...oh no wonder I couldn't get in man! Thanks again bro... (As he was about to enter his room he walked back a few inches) ...I'm Spike by the way... awesome to meet you man! 

Rocky: I'm Rocky... awesome to meet you too Spike! 

Spike: Oh by the way Rocky Balboa, are you doing anything tonight bro? 

Rocky: Not really why?     

Spike: Oh because me and a couple of my other friends are going to this party tonight, you should totally come man!      

Rocky: Um... sure why not?   

Spike: And also man, we can head down to their place now if you want too. It'll be very awesome to get to know you!   

Rocky: Yeah, sounds good, let me just get ready first. 

Spike: Pfft, alright then Rocky Balboa.   

Rocky: (Stares at Spike as he's annoyed)     

7:26pm, apartment blocks, Sol Selegna, USA

(Rocky and Spike are both outside Spike's, friend's door)

?: Oh hey Spike, whats up?     

Spike: Red, what's cooking my man? 

Red: As normal, we're awesome... who the fuck is the bogey coloured man?     

Spike: Oh that's Rocky Balboa!   

Rocky: No it's actually just Rocky.     

Red: Oh hey Rocky Balboa, can I have your autograph? 

Rocky: Uh... very nice to meet you too?     

(Rocky and Spike then enter Red's apartment)   

Blue: Oh hey Spike.     

Spike: Blue my man, what's cooking?     

Blue: Oh nothing much, apart from Red taking a crap on my pillow, oh hey, I'm Blue and you must be?     

Rocky: Oh hey I'm Rocky, nice to meet you. (Both shake hands)   

Spike: So my man Rocky Balboa, why don't you tell us a little about yourself? 

Rocky: Okay so first of all, I'm not Rocky Balboa, I'm just Rocky. Second, I'm trying to form a band and I'm a experienced rock climber.         

Spike: Awesome man! Wait what kind of band are you trying to form bro?   

Rocky: Oh just a metalcore band, I just play guitar and also unclean singing.   

Spike: Shit dude, I am as well! I play the drums and we should defiantly form a band together dude!

Rocky: Yeah sounds awesome to me, we should defiantly Spike, in fact...             

Spike: Hey Red, shall we go and see who can take the biggest crap?           

Red: Hey yeah dude!           

Blue: Just not in my bedroom! 

(Red and Spike run off, heading towards on of the rooms)       

Rocky: They're not in your bedroom...     

(Red and Spike go into Blue's bedroom)     

Rocky: ...They are in your bedroom.     

Blue: (Signs) Well that's just great!     

(A few minutes later Red and Spike pop their heads out of Blue's bedroom)     

Red: Hey do you both want to see our crap, that we've done on your bed Blue?   

Rocky: Eh... no thank you?     

Blue: Ew no... well, welcome to my world Rocky. 

Red: Hey, ain't we going to that party Spike?   

Spike: Oh yeah... and perfect timing as well, let's go!   

8:11pm, some random shitty club, Sol Selegna, USA

Bouncer 1: You're all not coming in I'm afraid!


Bouncer 1: Because you are meant to book to go and you're not all on the list! Now all of you get out of my sight!          

Red: OR WHAT?         

Bouncer 1: (Gets out his gun)     

Rocky: (Panicking) Okay fair enough, let's go. 

Blue: (Also panicking) Yeah come on everyone!   

(Rocky, Red, Blue and Spike walk off)   

Red: Rocky and Blue, seriously, you're both such pussies!     

Spike: (Laughs) Yeah... but thanks you two for ruining our evening!       

Blue: But he had a gun!   

Rocky: Exactly! I rather just go home and play computer games! 

Red: Wait... isn't the party on the other side of this wall?   

(Red, Blue and Spike look at Rocky as they know he's an experienced climber) 

Rocky: Oh no... I ain't doing it!       

(The scene then changes and shows Rocky climbing a brick wall and helping the others up)     

Rocky: Do we really have to this, I mean what about the bouncer? 

Red: Oh just shut it you pussy! Pull us up and he won't kill us if you hurry the fuck up!     

(Rocky helps up Red and Blue. Then when he helps Spike as soon as he gets to the top, he accidentally falls, knocking Rocky over and both fall on top of Red and Blue)       

Rocky: Oh shit... (They all get up) you guys think anyone noticed?   

Red: Nah, probably not, now if you excuse me, I'm off to get some hungry ass bitches! (A bunch of girls suddenly surround Red) Ah yeah, now that's what I'm talking about! (The girls then pick up and carry Red) 

Rocky: (To Blue and Spike) So... drink?     

(Scene changes to Rocky, Spike and Blue drinking. Rocky and Blue are drinking beer whilst Spike is drinking a whole bottle of vodka) 

Rocky and Blue: 0_0 (Staring at Spike)   

Spike: (Drunk) Uh... what? (Pukes on a girl walking by)   

Girl: Ew... you disgusting little fuck! (Runs off) 

Rocky: Okay I'm off to the toilets! 

Blue: Me too and by the way Rocky, they're called bathrooms!   

Rocky: But we call them toilets in England! 

(As Rocky and Blue rush to the toilet Rocky trips over and falls onto a girl)   

Rocky: Holy shit, I'm so sorry!       

Girl 2: It's alright babe... why don't we just stay in this position?       

Rocky: Um... I think I'm alright thanks! 

Girl: 3: Oh come on, let's have some fun... if you know what I mean.   

Rocky: Yes I get what you mean!       

(A bunch of girls suddenly start to surround Rocky, wanting sex from him)     

Rocky: Oh come on, I already have a girlfriend! 

Girl 4: Maybe this will change your mind! (Rips her bra open) 

Rocky: Okay never mind, I'll stay here!     

(A few minutes later, one of the bouncer's go on toilet break)   

Bouncer 1: (Urinates) Oh... (Gets out his phone and updates his status: Having a lovely piss, oh yeah) (But then notices Blue in the urinal next to him and then drags him out as he wasn't on the list. He then grabs Spike, Red and Rocky and throws them out.)       

Bouncer 1: You four are not on the list! (Gets out his gun) Now shag off before I shoot you off all of your dicks! 

Spike: Oh... man no... (Pukes on the Bouncer's face)     

Rocky: ...fuck.       

The End   








This is the first episode created and written by Metal-it-is to be featured on wikia.

The main image at the top of the artical for the episode is actually a deleted scene. It was removed due to lack of interest.

Some of the places mentioned in the episode are actually based on real life (e.g.)

  •  Shitchester is based on various places with the name Chester, Caster or Cester which indicates the

site of the Roman castra, meaning military bases or forts. Some of these places include Manchester, Worchester and more can be seen in this link here:

  •  Another example, Shatwick Airport is based on Gatwick Aiport.
  •  Sol Selegna is Los Angeles backwards.

 Wype is a parody of Skype.

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