Please put on your pants!
|Other episodes by the author|
Simon is asked various questions by his author.
(Simon walks in with his pants off and his large dick is shown)
Simon: Okay, let's get this over with.
AndrewBrauer: Simon, what are you doing?
Simon: I thought I was invited to an orgy.
AndrewBrauer: No, I said it was a Quiz.
Simon: Oh wait, I remember, man I was fucking smashed last night.
AndrewBrauer: Just sit down.
Simon: Fine. (Simon sits on a chair)
AndrewBrauer: And please put on your pants!
Simon: (Puts on his pants) Jealous of my large size?
AndrewBrauer: Simon, the sooner we get started, the sooner you can leave.
Simon: Alright, let's get this bullshit over with.
1. What is your real name?
Simon: It's Simon, duh!
2. What is your surname
Simon: Ain't telling you that shit.
3. What are your three most popular nicknames?
Simon: People like that aqua chick Jess call me a Jackass, but most women like to call me Big Daddy.
4. What is your favorite color?
Simon: Brown, cause it looks like beer.
5. What is your favorite animal?
Simon: Ponies, they look fucking hot!!! Like those on MLP!
6. What type of animal/race of human/mythical species are you?
Simon: I'm human and proud of it.
7. What is your favorite song?
Simon: Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, Rapper told me about it.
8. What is your favorite band?
Simon: LMFAO! Flash your Tities!
9. What is your favorite TV station?
Simon: Anything with the word 'Adult' and 'Porn' in it.
10. What is your favorite pastime?
Simon: Smoking pot and fucking girls!
11. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Simon: Be like Charlie Sheen, rich and famous for doing nothing!
12. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were 4-7 years old?
Simon: Become Superman!
13. Time to get more wacko and personal… are you intimidated?
Simon: Is that a trick question, cause you seem to be answering my question?
AndrewBrauer: Wait, I don't understand, whatever next question.
14. Who do you have a crush on / who are you in a relationship with?
Simon: I was with Alice, but we mostly had sex, still I think about her from time to time.
15. Are you cheating?
Simon: How can I? I'm single bitch!
16. Have you ever cheated on someone before?
Simon: Yes, I'm all about the sex.
17. Do you drink often?
Simon: Fuck yeah! Always looking to party.
18. Do you smoke often?
Simon: Occasionally I like to get stoned.
19. What is your addiction? We know you have at least one.
Simon: Too many to count.
20. What is your naughtiest / dirtiest habit?
Simon: I have a recurring sex dream where I'm the new James Bond, and then I walk into a hotel room and find several naked models in bed, I fuck each girl in a different way, ananlly, orally, and even in that weird sex position where she pretends to be a helpless victim hanging over the edge of the bed and I slowly but smoothly slip through her hands, girls love that shit. Afterwards, three guys who look like master chief come in and want to kill me, my dick turns out to be a machine gun and they're killed. The hotel room is on fire, I save the one girl who looks like Iggy Azalea and we jump out as it explodes and land inside a mattress store and continue to have sex. Man, I wish that happened in real life.
AndrewBrauer: (Odd look) Not exactly what I had in mind but whatever, moving on.
21. What's your sex life like?
Simon: Always like to be unpredictable and try new things in the bedroom.
22. Have you had a recurring dream before?
Simon: Did you not hear my ultimate sex dream, let me repeat it…
AndrewBrauer: No, you don't have to, let's just move on.
23. What was the last dream [ you can remember ] about?
Simon: Making out with Iggy on top of a Blimp at the Superbowl, go big or go home!
24. Tell me something that could make you smile without fail?
Simon: Just have my music play and I'll always be happy.
25. What is your favorite thing to drink?
Simon: Where to start? Beer, Vodka, Rum, Whisky, and even those girly drinks that taste fucking delicious! Wine is not bitchin' to me.
26. What is your master goal in life?
Simon: Live life to the fullest.
27. What is your most recent wish?
Simon: For me to have Sex with Iggy in real life.
28. If you could accomplish one thing for yourself or someone else, anything at all, what would it be?
Simon: Be a millionaire!
29. Tell me something that you desire that you can't accomplish by yourself; something that someone else has to do for you.
30. What is your worst weakness?
Simon: Being weaker than everyone else.
31. What is your worst fear?
Simon: All my friends being killed by Hopkins.
32. Name off five traits of your dream boy/girl?
Simon: Smokin' hot, nice ass, hot body, willing to get drunk, and is commitment free.
33. What is your idea of the best day ever?
Simon: I wake up from my awesome sex dream, then I watch the Die Hard Trilogy on Netflix, by Noon I order pepperoni pizza and call up my friends, we'd eat a dozen pizzas and then smoke plenty of grass, by nighttime we all separate, the girls go to the club, and the rest of us, guys pre-game by drinking a six pack of bud light and then ordering a limo to head to our nightclub 'Ball Busters' the girls called in other people to work there, and all we do is get drunk and dance. At like midnight, me, my friends, all of Rapper's friends, and maybe Wolf all go to the Limo and host a party at my place, it goes on til three in the morning, once there, I get Alice and Stacy drunk, have the two make out, and then all three of us go have a threesome in my king-sized bedroom. I fall asleep once again to my ultimate sex dream.
34. Who is your best friend?
Simon: Alice probably, we hangout a lot, and I always get her into the craziest shit ever.
35. Who is your worst enemy?
Simon: Hopkins, he is just pure evil!
36. Describe to me your most prized possession?
Simon: My sunglasses, makes me a pretty motherfucker!
37. If you could make peace / friends with anyone right now, who would they be?
Simon: Ryle, he maybe an asshole, but so am I.
38. The president announces that the world will come to an end at midnight of the next day, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Who would you want to spend the last day of humanity with, and what would you do?
Simon: Alice, we would spend every last second together and do everything possible.
39. What is the one thing you desire above all else as of today?
Simon: My Sex appeal, without it I'm a nobody.
40. The UPS man leaves a box on your door when you aren't expecting any packages. You open it to find a fancy glass bottle that resembles something between women's perfume and a wine bottle; the label reads "SHALTEIR's Love Liquid." Who do you test it on and how do you sneak it to them?
41. You lover / best friend is announced dead via suicide. How do you react?
Simon: Know all the reasons as to why.
42. You were walking alone through your local park come 11:24pm at night when out of the blue you get tackled from behind. What is you next move?
Simon: Take off my glasses and use my eye rays on them, and then turn into Superman and defeat that random stranger, hopefully my sidekick will come to help me.
43. You're having a movie-at-home date tonight. When you go to blockbuster, what are your top three movie options that you and your date would probably enjoy?
Simon: Sex comedy, action, and porn.
44. Back to reality… who are you the angriest at?
Simon: Hopkins, everything that guy does makes me so pissed!
45. What was the scariest moment of your life?
Simon: You'll just have to wait and see.
46. What was the best moment of your life?
Simon: The day I lost my virginity.
47. What was the worst moment of your life?
Simon: All of Spark's friends trying to kill me.
48. What was the saddest moment of your life?
Simon: Hasn't happened yet.
49. How do you think you'll die / how did you die?
Simon: By Cocaine overdose in a bed full of naked models.
50. What is your "theme song" – in your opinion, a friend's opinion, or your creators?
Simon: My favorite song is my theme song.
51. Do you have any pets?
Simon: Too lazy to take care of any.
52. What is your job?
Simon: Manager of Ball Busters.
53. What is your nationality?
Simon: American, bitch!
54. When were you born?
Simon: That seems too personal.
55. How old are you?
Simon: Did you not just hear me?
56. What is your weapon of choice?
Simon: A laser rocket launcher.
57. How much do you weigh?
Simon: About 150 pounds.
58. Did you think this quiz was helpful?
Simon: As long as the government doesn't track me down from this.
AndrewBrauer: And that's about it, thank you for coming in.
Simon: Whatever. (Gets up, opens a bottle of beer, and leaves)