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Suck It commercial
Awesome 63
Episode short
Air date Sept 19 2012
Written by Alpha-Lonewolf
Other episodes by the author

1st

TV Live-Ray commercial

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Transcript

Wolf: Does your vacuum not suck enough? Does it not suck the way you want? Does it suck as much as Blue’s manly story?

Blue: Hey!!

Wolf: Well then today is your day. Introducing the “Suck It” vacuum cleaner. Yes that’s right bitches, the new Suck It vacuum! How does it work you say? Well sit down and shut the fuck up and let us shoot the shit.

Wolf: (stands outside a house) Messy house? (turns on vacuum as it starts sucking the house apart) This baby will suck the living shit out of the tiniest spots.

Man: What the fuck!?! What did you do to my house!?! I’m calling the…

(man gets sucks in the vacuum)

Wolf: Troublesome people? A thing of the past. Next!

(Transition to a family room)

Wolf: Need to clean the family room while the family is in the way? No problem.(switches on Blow Job Mode and starts blowing out the family through the walls) On Blow Job Mode this sick puppy will blast that pesky little family problem out the window, or for this instance a wall. Now you can loot… uh I mean clean out this room. (uses vacuum to suck mostly everything valuable) Next!

(Transition to bathroom as the show is on)

Wolf: Nothing in a bathroom is clean so this is where this bitch gets serious. (starts sucking in stuff and then the shower curtains revealing Pink taking a shower)

Pink: HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! (covers self with a towel) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE YOU ASSHOLE!!!

Wolf: See here miss it seems you have some dirty water and scum in your shower.

Pink: What the fuck you think it is I was just taking a shower!!

Wolf: Well not to worry all I have to do is switch this on and… (vacuum begins to suck up all the water on the shower floor and the soap scum on the walls)

Pink: Wow that thing can suck real good.

Wolf: (speaks quickly) That’s probably what Blue told you last night.

Pink: What!?

Wolf: Any ways as you can see it can suck even the most permanent stains and is guaranteed to…(accidentally sucks Pinks towel rendering her completely naked)

Pink: AHH!!! YOU ASSHOLE LOOK AWAY!!! (tries to cover her exposed body)

Wolf: Guarantees to give you a live show of live nudes. (slaps Pink’s ass)

Pink: GET! THE FUCK!! OUT!!!!! (starts throwing objects at Wolf as he runs out of the house)

Wolf: Just make sure you’re fast enough to make a quick get away!

(Transition to Blue’s car)

Wolf: Look at this piece of shit. I say it’s time to suck the fuck out of it.

Blue: Wolf what are you doing to my car!?

Wolf: Relax I have it under control with this hippy car.

Blue: Just because I want to use clean energy doesn’t mean…

Wolf: Shut it pot head and watch this miracle of wonder. (turns on vacuum and shoots out a large laser disintegrating the car)

Blue: AHH!!! MY CAR!!!

Wolf: Oops I forgot it was on Extreme Clean Mode.

Blue Why do you even have that as a feature!?

Wolf: So one can turn huge trash into dust and sweep it up after.

Blue: GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Wolf: Well with that attitude I no longer want to sell you this vacuum.

(Transition to Mr. Dingleberry)

Mr. Dingleberry: Eh my apartment is crawling with cockroaches!

Wolf: Cockroaches you say? Then have I got the answer for you Methuselah!

Mr. Dingleberry: Eh? How did you get in my apartment?

Wolf: I broke down the door Oldy Mc Fuck Fuck. It’s a standard business man’s trick. Now watch as I deal with these roaches.(turns on vacuum to spew out trash all over the room)

Mr. Dingleberry: What are you doing!?

Wolf: Now your roaches have enough to eat for a year and they can live young happy lives.

Mr. Dingleberry: I don’t want to make them happy, I want to kill them all!

Wolf: (stares shocked at Mr. Dingleberry) You sick old fuck. Our company does not partake in mass murdering of harmless insects. (uses Extreme Clean Mode on Mr. Dingleberry) Now you don’t need to worry about those roaches cuz you’re dead.

(Roaches make a small high pitched cheer)

Wolf: Happy living little guys (leaves the room as it catches on fire and small high pitched screams are heard) Wait! Aw man I lost my self lighting match… oh well at least it’s not gonna hurt anyone.

(Shows the building burning to the ground as tenants are screaming, running, and jumping out of windows on fire)

(transition to commercial)

Wolf: Now can this thing suck or what? Not only can it suck houses, cars, and women's towels it can also suck your dick too. Just ask this satisfied customer.

Raccoon: NOW I AM DICKRESS!!!

Wolf: See it sucks so hard it can suck the dick right off of you. It is also a bully solution. (walks over to Broseph) Just use this Suck at Life Mode and… (sucks the life out of Broseph) badda bing badda boom no more bully. But don’t take my word for it just ask these other satisfied customers.

Man: (crying) It killed my family!

Wolf: With excitement.

Woman: (crying) It destroyed my only home!

Wolf: With cleanliness.

Boy: (crying) I’m an orphan!

Wolf: Cuz he sold his parents to gain this machine of happiness.

Old man: (crying) It took away everything I loved and cherished!

Wolf: Cuz there is only room for this vacuum in his heart for love and uh cherishness.

Old Man: I want to die!!

Wolf: So come down today and get your very own Suck It vacuum so I can make off with your mon… err I mean monthly troubles to never be heard from again.

Foully: Fucking side effects may include: fevers, boils, leprosy, herpes, pregnancy, brain loss, amnesia, broken bones, lost souls, droughts, earthquakes, beating helpless animals, the Armageddon, super world war, and random attacks from rabid, Jedi, cyborg, teddy bears.

Wolf: So don’t delay, order today! Just send me the money and you can expect your Suck It vacuum as soon as I can, for no dark reasons.

-Commercial End-

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The poll was created at 19:26 on September 25, 2012, and so far 5 people voted.

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