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Wolf's Advice
Wolf's Advice
Hello boys and girls
Written by Alpha-Lonewolf
Directed by Alpha-Lonewolf
Location N/A
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Summary

Wolf gives a presentation to kids on how to deal with problems of life. They may not be the best advice to give to kids, but they will get the job done.

Transcript

Wolf: Hello boys and girls. Are you tired of being bullied, told you’re too small, feel like you can’t do anything, don’t have a hot girlfriend? To sum it all up, do you feel like Blue?

Blue: (camera moves right to Blue far in the background) Hey! 

Wolf: (Camera moves back to Wolf) wouldn’t you want to be the opposite and be strong, tough, free to do what you want? To some that all up, would you want to be Red?

Red: (Camera moves left to Red far in the background) Yeah!

Wolf: (camera moves back to Wolf) Well then you just listen to me about daily problems and I’ll tell you what to do.

Cue card: First Lesson: I‘m a Giant. 

Wolf: Everyday when you want to do something, you hear these words “you’re too small” well there are ways around that. 

(A basic stick figure animation of kid next to a adult)

Wolf: When ever an adult tells you that you are too small to stay up late, go to the movies, drink beer, watch porn, or touch a girls boobs, you have one of the following options.  Number one, Get a pair of stilts and tell them whose too small now bitch.

(Shows the kid on stilts standing over the adult)

Wolf: Number two, inject a chemical to make your legs to grow taller than the adult. This way you can kick them in the balls and run fast because your legs stretch out more.

(Shows kid ‘s legs grow and kick the adult in the balls and runs)

Wolf: Number three, get robot legs to tower over the adult and kick their ass into the sun with your high powered legs.

(shows kid in metal legs and kicks the adult in the ass and into the sun)

Wolf: Number four, get a spell to turn into a giant and step on the house and adult, then go off to do what you want.

(shows kid grow into a giant with a spell and stomp on the house and adult before walking away)

Wolf: Number five, buy a pet dragon to ride and then burn the adult to a crisp so the dragon can piss on their ashes.

(shows kid on a dragon and burns the adult to ash and has the dragon piss on the ash)

Wolf: And if all else fails there is one last thing to try. Get a gun to shoot the adults knee caps and tell them “not anymore” before hitting them over the head with a hammer giving them a concussion.

Cue Card: Lesson Two: I’m Better Than You.

Wolf: It feels bad when you see others do better than you at everything. Here are some ways to fix that so you can excel at everything they can do.

(shows basic stick figure of a kid next to another kid)

Wolf: If a kid gets higher grades than you, you could do the risky way of looking at his sheet to copy or you can threaten him before the class starts to give you the answers by holding an embarrassing photo of him that could ruin the rest of his life and cause him to commit suicide.

(shows a kid holding up another kid against a wall with a photo)

Wolf: If a kid does better at sports than you, challenge him to one on one in football and then break his legs to make sure he can’t ever walk again.

(Shows kids playing football and one kid breaks the other kids legs)

Wolf: If a kid sings better than you in music class, offer him a glass of water. You can ruin his voice if you add one of the ingredients: salt, acid, alcohol, dissolved sleeping pills, or poison.

(shows kids getting a drink and displaying the different side effects)

Wolf: If a kid writes better work than you, wait until he’s alone somewhere, put on a ski mask, and snap every finger before twisting his wrists and stomping on his hands to fracture every bone.

(Shows kid in a ski mask ambush another kid to break his hands)

Wolf: Or if any kid beats you at anything, pay a guy to kidnap the kid and dump his body into the ocean.

(shows a kid pay some thugs, kidnaps another kid, row out to the ocean, and dump the bag with the kid inside)

Cue Card: Lesson Three: My Bitch Now.

Wolf: Are the only girls that like you are fat and ugly? Well tell them to go home because you are about to get your hands pimped up.

(shows a kid  and on other kid with a girl)

Wolf: Number one, you can trick the school’s star athlete to think that the boy with the girl of your dream called him a fag online. Then he will get his whole team to beat the shit out of the boy and allow you the chance to win the girl.

(Shows kid talk to a bigger kid and later has the bigger kid beat up the boy that was with the girl)

Wolf: Number two, blackmail her to dump him and date you or else her life will shatter like a house made of glass in a rock storm.

(Shows a kid with a file on the girl as she dumps her old boyfriend and goes with the other kid)

Wolf: Number three, Threaten her boyfriend for no reason until you make him piss his pants. She will then think you are more manly and date you.

(Shows a kid threatening the boyfriend until he pisses his pants and the girl goes off with the other boy)

Wolf: Number four, use a mind control devices to wipe her memory clean and have her become your devoted girlfriend.

(shows boy place a mind control device on girl’s head as she hugs him with hearts floating around)

Wolf: And finally, as a foolproof plan, push them into a bus and then you could move on to finding a new crush.

(Shows kid shove the girl and boy into a passing bus)

Cue card: Lesson four: Bully Free Zone

Wolf: Now here is the most important part of my advice. Bullies are the obstacle of becoming cool and making everyone respect you. Nowadays bullies are everywhere and ready to take you down, so here are my lessons to becoming cool. Number one. Bring a water gun of dog pheromones and shoot it either in the boy’s crotch or his ass. When the bully stops to laugh at your attempt, wait till you see the first dog running at him and tell him what it was before the dog rapes him. Then that bully will take your place as the school loser.

(Shows kid shoot a bully with the water gun and then a dog jumps onto the bully humping him while it shows the kid celebrating his success)

Wolf: Number two. After finding out your bullies name and address, find a public computer and upload a video of showing edited images of the bully in dresses and make up while playing a theme music “I Feel Pretty” then watch the next day as everyone torments your bully until he cries on the floor.

(Shows a kid upload a video and the next day kids are laughing at the bully)

Wolf: Number three. When a bully proves his strength over your after pushing you down, just take a deep breath, think of a fun and happy place, and then smash the bully’s head in with a big metal hammer.

(Shows a kid pushed down by a bully and when the bully turns away, the kid gets up to take a breath and daydream before smashing the bully’s head with a hammer)

Wolf: Number four. When a bully calls you names just hold your temper until you get home. Then you explore the internet to find the most despicable insults and jokes you can make about the bully and his mama so you can rip him down the next time he calls you names.

(Shows a kid walking away from a bully calling him names before going home to explore the internet. Then the next day he name calls the bully while everyone laughs at him)

Wolf: Number five. Sneak into his house and steal his most embarrassing photos as a baby and make copies of them to hang them on every wall at school.

(Shows kid sneak and steal photos from bully’s house and hang copies of them on school walls)

Wolf: My last piece of advice is the most effective. Hire me to deal with bullies. Sure it might come at a fee, but some things are worth paying for. That’s all for today boys and girls. Remember, pussies run to tell adults, cool kids settle their problems with sweet revenge.

End

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