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Your Welcome Mr. Dick
Air date 3-20-14
Written by AndrewBrauer, Alpha-Lonewolf, and Mdkid663
Directed by AndrewBrauer
Set in Daytime
Location Bar, Ancient Secrets "N" Things, and Hell
Other episodes by the author

Nexus Grand Prix

Ultimate Motorboat

 Alice wants to prove to everyone that she can be funny, so she gets a dummy doll to try being a ventriloquist, but it turns out this doll has a mind of it's own.

GET READY THIS IS A LONG EPISODE.

Characters

Transcript

(Opens with Simon, Alice, and Emma at a bar, hanging out at the bar each drinking a beer)

Simon: I needs some good beer! (Throws a beer bottle at Blue's head)

Alice: Simon, please don't cause trouble, remember last time when we were kicked out of that nightclub because you pissed in that red guy's drink?

Simon: You mean Ryle? Oh man, that was fucking hysterical, then again pussies love piss.

Emma: (Laughs) That's funny Simon, piss and pussy rhyme.

Alice: You really think that's funny?

Emma: Yeah! Funny than what you would've said.

Alice: You think I'm not funny?

Simon: Alice come on, I threw a bottle at Blue and if everyone saw it, they would have died laughing from that.

Alice: That's different, he's easy to laugh at!

Emma: All we're saying is that you're not as funny as us.

Red: (comes by) Who's not funny?

Simon: I threw a bottle at your friend Blue and she thinks that she's funnier than what I did.

Red: HA! not by a long shot. that was funnier what you did to Blue.

Blue: Thanks a lot asshole.

(A beer bottle suddenly his Red by the face)

Red: (catches it in his mouth) is there beer in here?

Wolf: (comes by) Sup turds. what's going on here?

(The beer turns out to be an incendiary grenade inside ad it explodes with Red on fire)

Red: AHH give me beer! (runs around)

Blue: (Tries to dump cups of water on Red) stop moving you idiot!

(Ryle comes by with Spark and Violet)

Alice: Okay, what about that time I made a joke about comparing Justin Bieber to a white trash version of a dead-end celebrity?

Emma: That was me, by the way the celebrity was Haley Joel Osment.

(Everyone laughs and Alice grows annoyed)

Alice: So you made a joke about the sixth sense kid and now I'm not funny?

Simon: Kinda of yeah.

Wolf: okay lets hear the best joke you have Alice? right now.

Alice: Why so soon, by the way you look like a rejected mario brother.

(Violet snickers a bit, Spark laughs a little and Ryle laughs completely)

Wolf: and you look like the girl from the grudge.

(Red laughs even when he's on fire)

Alice: (Slightly Confused) How?

Wolf: your hair looks as dead as your jokes along with your skin you B rated horror film.

(Everyone laughs except Alice)

Alice: (Gets Angry) You guys are stupid! (Pushes Wolf out of the way and walks out of the bar)

Wolf: guess some people can't take the heat.

Red: I can. I'm burning. (dances while on fire)

(While walking angrily away from the bar, Alice finds Ancient Secrets 'N' Things and walks inside)

Alice: (To herself) Wonder if I can get something to make me funny.

Raccoon: Oh ho ho ho. I have just-a thing for you then

Alice: What? Some good jokes? (Snickers)

Raccoon: Even better. Forrow me. (heads to the back)

Alice: (Follows The Raccoon to the back) So what are you holding back here anyway?

Raccoon: (pulls out a dusty box and blows on it sending dust at Alice) This is an ancient artifact of comedy. It hords the power to make it's owner very funny.

Alice: Seriously, then why hold it now?

Raccoon: I am-a too awesome to be funny. prus it is-a cruttering up my-a storage space.

(Alice holds and looks at the box for a couple seconds)

Alice: Are you sure this will work?

Raccoon: Absarutry. (mutters quickly) even though it is possessed.

Alice: (Becomes suspicious) What?

Raccoon: I said I need boobs to caress. now that wirr-a be twenty bucks

Alice: Okay. (Hands The Raccoon twenty dollars and walks out of the store with the box) So what could be inside this box to make someone so funny?

(Alice walks back into the bar)

Red: Well look who is back.

Blue: Sorry for earlier. We didn't mean to laugh.

Red: Yes we did

Blue: Shut up.

Alice: Talk all you want, because I got something that's going to make you laugh. (Pulls out a doll)

(Eleven turns visible behind Alice)

Red: You got a doll for playing tea party with? (laughs)

Alice: Not just a doll...

Mr Dick: (While being controlled) Some actual comedy you backward hat looking freak from your mom's basement!

Red: Hey!

(Eleven quietly snickers)

Mr. Dick: (Being Controlled) It's true, it's the only way to make it in life since you were too stupid in school.

Red: I'm not stupid. I'm awesome!

Mr. Dick: (Being Controlled) Awesome at being stupid is what you are!

Emma: That's funny!

Wolf: I guess i can admit that it was funny.

Ryle: (laughs) Sucks to be you Red!

Mr. Dick: (Being controlled) Of course it was, you wouldn't know a good joke if it came of your hat that covers the fact that you have all muscle and no brain, Wolf. As for you Ryle, surprised you managed to get some friends, whenever you aren't on your 24/7 period.

Wolf: (laughs) that is true sometimes.

Alice: See I can be funny.

Ryle: (engulfs in flames) Oh, your fucking dead.

Wolf: Geez no sense of humor.

Mr. Dick: (Being Controlled) (To Ryle) Dead, like your personality.

(Everyone laughs except for Ryle)

Violet: You tell him.

Simon: Where did you get that doll?

Alice: (Thinks for a second) Uh, Maulmart, yeah they sell everything.

Spark: They usually don't sell dummies.

Mr. Dick: Really cause I see all the dummies right here.

Spark: No, I mean. (groans) God dammit.

Wolf: Nice. (Laughs)

Mr. Dick: And we found the biggest dummy here! (Points at Spark)

Alice: What the? I didn't mean to do that?

Wolf: Hey nice acting Alice

Spark: (starts to get pissed) Okay, this is really starting to get annoying.

Alice: Seriously I didn't mean to do that.

Mr. Dick: Is there a pussy here named Simon?

Wolf: She's on a roll.

Red: Keep going this is awesome!

Simon: That's me little dick.

Mr. Dick: Knock, knock.

Simon: Who's there?

Mr. Dick: A message.

Simon: What does it say?

Mr. Dick: Your fuck buddy couldn't make it due since she found someone new, your mom!

(Wolf and Red laugh)

Simon: (Gets annoyed) Really Alice, just because we broke up means that you can make jokes about my family?

Mr. Dick: And your sister.

Emma: Hey!

Simon: Alright that's it, I'm all for comedy, but against my family is too far, let's go Emma.

Mr. Dick: Hey guys! The outcasts are leaving, oh wait, you can't see them because well, they don't know you.

(Simon and Emma leave very angry)

Alice: Seriously, I didn't mean to say that?

Wolf: Come on just go with it. you can make millions with this. Celebrities don't need friends when you got money.

Mr. Dick: If so then why haven't you done it, oh wait you can't because your plans are as lame as your jokes.

Wolf: I find that as a compliment since my plans work a lot.

Mr. Dick: Work as in work to fail, then yes they work every time.

Wolf: fail as in fail to get me killed.

Mr. Dick: Okay, I'm tired of wasting my good material on this jerk off, know any other pussies here?

Wolf: Other than yourself?

Red: OH! burned!

Wolf: good idea. (throws a Molotov at Red)

Red: AHH!!! I'm Burning!

Mr. Dick: Well, well, well, Wolf did something that made me not yawn, next time try throwing yourself off the empire state building and maybe I'll giggle.

Wolf: giggle like a little school girl since you're a pussy already?

Red: OOH! double burned!

Mr. Dick: Do the honors wolf. (Hands him a molotov)

(Wolf throws it at him followed by a blast of fire from a flamethrower)

Red: RED HOT FIYA!!!

Blue: Alice this is getting out of hand. how do you stop this thing?

Alice: I don't know, it might be possessed by a demon or something.

Mr. Dick: (Turns to Alice) You would be right bitch! (Slaps Alice in the face) And I'm going to make showbiz whether you like it or not.

Alice: The Raccoon was right!?

Blue: I think we should have a talk with him.

Alice: Good idea. (Goes back to Ancient Secrets "N" Things)

Blue: Tell us how to stop it you dumb animal!

Alice: It's causing trouble and I can't get rid of it. (Tries to take the puppet off her hand but it won't)

Mr. Dick: I'm a demon you stupid whore!

Raccoon: Werr for the right money I might terr you

Alice: (Gets Annoyed) Are you serious right now?

Raccoon: one must make a riving.

Blue: Ugh, how much?

Raccoon: Fifty bucks.

Blue: What!?

Mr. Dick: (To The Raccoon) No wonder it costs so much, your store is out of business like your ugly appearance.

Raccoon: Fifty bucks or you can get the fuck out.

Alice: Anything to get this thing off of me. (Give the Raccoon fifty dollars)

Raccoon: Arr you have to do is fart in his mouth.

Blue: seriously?

Mr. Dick: Oh no you don't, if you have to take me, then I'll take Alice as well!

Alice: Wait, what!?

(Mr. Dick then while in Alice's hand, pulls himself through the ground and disappears with Alice)

Blue: Oh my God! Alice!

Raccoon: Ah, she wirr be fine.

(2 HOURS LATER)

(Nothing seems to be happening)

Blue: She's not back yet.

Raccoon: not my problem.

Blue: you asshole!

(Back at the bar Simon and Emma are drinking a bottle of beer)

Simon: Do you think maybe we pushed Alice too far?

Emma: What makes you think that?

Simon: I mean we did say that she wasn't funny, so now I guess this is a way of her biting us in the ass.

Emma: But Alice wouldn't never say anything like that? Not that she's not funny, but it's just not her.

Simon: Yeah, she's funny when she's trying to hard, not when it's a dumb puppet.

Emma: Your right, we should go apologize to her.

Simon: But where is she?

Blue: (runs in) Alice has been taken!

Simon: I knew it? There's no way she made all those jokes, something had to be rigged in that puppet.

Emma: So what happened?

(Blue tells how Alice got the puppet and up to when she got taken)

Blue: And that's what happened.

Emma: All this for laughs, seems kinda of stupid.

Simon: She's probably in hell, since most demons go there.

Wolf: Hopefully Saigron doesn't care to notice her.

Red: why don't you just get another friend named Alice. Maybe even hotter so I can fuck her.

Simon: Maybe she's still alive, we got to get her.

Wolf: Do you know where you can enter hell?

Emma: Know any good demon friends?

Wolf: I wouldn't call them friends but you can ask Eleven. He's got there once.

Emma: My fuck buddy? Alright, he's probably hiding somewhere.

(Eleven taps Emma behind her)

Emma: (Notices) Oh there he is.

(Eleven creates a portal to hell)

Simon: Well there you go Wolf.

(Ryle, Spark and Violet run by)

Wolf: if i do Saigron will find us before we start looking for Alice. It's best if you guys go.

Violet: We heard that you guys are going to destroy that dummy.

Emma: We got some help, so you don't have to worry Wolf.

Wolf: Just make sure you don't draw attention to yourselves.

Simon: We'll make sure. (They enter the portal and find themselves in a mirror maze)

Emma: Are we in hell?

Simon: Looks like a carnival.

(Creepy laughter is heard)

Mr. Dick: (Overheard above them) If you want to see your friend again, you must make it through my obstacles of laughter, first you will enter the maze of mirrors but watch out cause you might see your face!

Blue: What does he mean by see your face?

(He suddenly gets his face hit by a mirror)

Red: Ha! not even your own reflection like you!

Blue: Shut up!

Simon: Let's just find our way through here, pretend it's a carnival game, just find the loophole.

Violet: Yeah.

Spark: Same here.

Ryle: I've had enough jokes for one day.

(They make they're way through the maze, and keep hitting the mirrors, Ryle grows angry from this.)

Ryle: This is REALLY fucking stupid.

(Ryle breaks all the mirrors with his fists and the doorway to the next room is shown)

Emma: There's the loophole, just get Ryle pissed off.

Ryle: Only if anyone pisses me off.

Simon: Technically that would be yourself since you were looking at yourself through these mirrors.

(Some giggling is heard from everyone, as Ryle starts to get more angry)

Emma: Why don't we keep going then.

Ryle: (gets over his anger) Sure, whatever.

(They make it into a room full of model clowns that look creepy)

Blue: Now what do we do in here?

(Emma looks closely at a clown, and it suddenly gets out of trance and frightens her)

Red: Oh shit! I think it wants to rape you.

Blue: Real mature dude.

Mr Dick: (Overhead them) This is the crazy clown cellar, these clowns could pop out and scare you in an instance, the way to escape is where the clowns are going.

Blue: Where are they going?

(They follow the clowns who are just standing in various directions)

Emma: Maybe it's the one where the most clowns are heading to in just one direction.

Eleven: (gets disturbed) ……

Simon: Creepy isn't it?

Eleven: …..

Emma: Why don't we pretend it's a museum and just ignore them like most people do at museums?

(They see several clowns down a direction, one of them scares Blue on the way there, but they make it into a doorway into a dark room)

Red: wow it's dark like the inside of a vagina.

(A noise is heard)

Blue: Dude what is that sound?

Simon: I'll pick it up. (Simon picks it up and it turns out to be a flashlight, he shines it in their direction and they all get scared by the sight of a ugly dead face)

Red: Hey Blue it's you mom.

Blue: Not now Red!

Mr. Dick: (Overhead them) Your final room is simple, just find a doorway, just watch out for the faces!

Violet: So this just means that we have to avoid any dead people?

(More dead faces appear out of nowhere in front of them, as they run from it, more dead faces pop up)

Emma: What should we do?

(Eleven stretch his arms at one of the dead bodies and absorbs them)

Eleven…

Emma: I was going to suggest that maybe we punch the faces out of the way, and then we can find the doorway.

Ryle: (punches the faces) Wait, what did you said?

Emma: Nevermind, we just got to punch these faces out of the way, right guys?

Spark: Pretty much.

Violet: Yeah.

Eleven: ..... (nods)

(They all start punching many faces with Ryle punching them extremely hard, suddenly Simon sees a doorway)

Simon: I found the doorway!

(Violet opens the door)

Emma: Looks like the next room, let's go you guys!

(They make it out and into a funhouse room and find Mr. Dick in a king's throne watching over them high up on a platform)

Mr. Dick: I see you barely made it here.

Red: And you can suck it!

Blue: Let go of Alice!

Mr. Dick: Not surprised. (Pulls down a lever and Alice is seen strapped to a table above a huge hole full of lava)

Alice: Help!

Blue: What do you want from us asshole?

Mr. Dick: To be the funniest puppet, in the world, and you guys seem to take advantage me, especially my owner Alice, who didn't understand humor, now your ready to taste my backlash! (Mr. Dick pushes a button and the table slowly starts to fall down to the lava)

Simon: You stupid puppet! What makes you so powerful!?

(Mr. Dick suddenly grows into a giant puppet who can shoot fireballs)

Emma: Well, there's your answer.

(Violet facepalms)

Mr. Dick: (Demonic Voice) You think I'm more than just being FUNNY!! (Roars at them)

Ryle: Bitch, I can do more better roars than a dumbass puppet can!

(Mr. Dick shoots a fireball at them, and instead of killing them, it traps them in an unbreakable cage, Mr. Dick then lifts up the cage and straps it next to the table with Alice on it)

Alice: Hey guys, thanks for coming, even though we're now going to die.

Blue: Anyone have any ideas?

Emma: I don't know, this cage can't be broken.

Red: Hey Emma. Want to fuck before we die?

Emma: Red, your lines are as bad as your rhymes. (A bar from the cage suddenly falls off)

Simon: Guys I think I have an idea.

Red: I get to fuck Emma?

Simon: No, Rhymes go as good as rhymes, but only if they are funny, maybe if we say a bunch of those, we can get out of here!

Alice: But what about me, I'm still trapped in this table next to this cage, and I think it may start to lower again.

Red: That's easy. I make rhymes all the time.

Blue: Please don't

Emma: Maybe once we get out we can finally defeat Mr. Dick with Red farting in his mouth.

Red: look at me dance, I say look at me dance. I look much better when I take off my pants. (takes pants off)

Blue: Red! Stop doing that!

Simon: Hey guys! Red is looking to be dead if he did that in front of the feds! (A couple more bars fall off)

Emma: It's working!

Simon: Come on guys, I can't do this by myself.

Blue: Let me try. I sat on my chair and now i have bad hair. (everyone stares at Blue) What?

Emma: Blue you tried to help but you just made us yelp for some good kelp. (A door falls off)

Simon: Well that worked.

Blue: (feeling sad) I thought my rhyme was funny.

Simon: Hey, it inspired Emma to get us out or here.

Mr. Dick: (Notices) So I see that you found out my big trick, impressive I might say!

Red: that is all you can say because you are totally gay.

Blue: you can stop rhyming now.

Mr. Dick: Well you forgot one other trick I have. (Pushes a button that releases Alice from the table into the Lava as she screams)

Everyone: NO!!!

(A person jets across to catch Alice in the air followed by a foul scent)

Emma: Is that flatch!?

Flatch: To the rescue! (farts out long)

Mr. Dick: (Gasp) No! My own worst enemy, farts and gross humor!

Flatch: Fire in the butt hole! (Aim his ass at Mr. Dick and blast out a heavy cloud of gas all around Mr. Dick)

Mr. Dick: (Coughs) No! This can't happen! I will be the funniest being in the world!! (He then explodes)

Red: I'm so jealous.

Blue: because that guy saved the day?

Red: no cause that guy has awesome farts.

(They all go into Eleven's portal and return back to earth)

Wolf: Well you guys got back and... (Sees Flatch) who the hell are you?

Emma: He's Flatch, and he just came unexpectedly.

Flatch: And I saved the day!

Wolf: what did he do?

Simon: Let's just say he gave Mr. Dick a bad taste in his mouth.

Wolf: that's good enough for me to know.

Alice: (To Simon & Emma) Listen you guys, I'm sorry about everything, I just wanted to prove myself to be funny.

Simon: Well you kinda of do owe us one.

Emma: But we think you can be funny, when your trying really hard.

Alice: (Smirks) You guys. (Hugs both of them)

(Flatch lets out a huge fart)

Wolf: What the fuck is wrong with you!?

Flatch: It felt like a good time to rip one

(After-credits)

(Shows a truck taking out boxes and putting them on shelves, the boxes turn out to be multiple copies of Mr. Dick, the camera zooms out of the shelves and it's location for the boxes is in Maulmart)

Mr. Dick: (Voiceover) Your Welcome Mr. Dick.

The End

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